Texas Travesty

Since 1997

We Asked AI to Combine Every SXSW Stand-up Into One Concise Bit

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The Texas Travesty attended nearly all stand-up comedy shows this SXSW, and it was a waste of time. Your broke ass didn’t have a badge, and that’s fine. We asked AI to combine every stand-up bit into one special so you can spend time doing what really matters: being on your phone!* Comedian: Hello, how is everyone doing tonight Crowd cheers Comedian: Come on, I know … [Read more...] about We Asked AI to Combine Every SXSW Stand-up Into One Concise Bit

Santa Claus Under Scrutiny as Private Sleigh Emissions Are Revealed

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THE NORTH POLE — For weeks, debate over Santa Claus’s private sleigh travel has been abuzz on social media. The mythical creature reportedly burns over 9,000 tonnes of carbon emissions annually — half of which comes from just one day (December 24th). The internet is now searching through Claus’s past and present to determine his public standing. The world’s eye has been … [Read more...] about Santa Claus Under Scrutiny as Private Sleigh Emissions Are Revealed

Santa’s Elves Unionize: Cite Abuse from Santa Claus and Management

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Pictured above is child-sized and aged elf, in front of the brutal conditions of the North Pole sweatshops. SANTAS WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE—Santa’s Elves posted a formal statement to the International Labor Relations Board this morning. The small humanoids pointed out possible illegal practices taking place in Santa’s Workshop and made a list of demands, among them the possible … [Read more...] about Santa’s Elves Unionize: Cite Abuse from Santa Claus and Management

Hidden Figures: Cain

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History is written by the victors, as the saying goes. The dominant culture of the time dictates what is preserved, and what isn’t, who is vilified, and who isn’t. But recently, there’s been a push to recover the untold histories of those who were never provided a voice. The plight of the disabled is one as old as time itself, and as such their defenders are just as ancient, … [Read more...] about Hidden Figures: Cain

Missing children were inside the milk carton the whole time

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Child abduction is no laughing matter. I certainly wasn’t laughing when I poured a fully grown man into my bowl of cereal. His name is David. He had been missing since July 1988. I was horrified, first, because I usually check the expiration date for these kinds of things. But then I realized I had to call the police, and that sucked because I hate talking to people over the … [Read more...] about Missing children were inside the milk carton the whole time

Forex trader unable to understand what’s keeping Dak Prescott from taking the first step

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DALLAS — Early Saturday morning, experienced forex trader Candace Bronx direct messaged Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott inquiring if he would be interested in joining her team and “turning his dreams into a lifestyle.” Anyone who trades in the foreign market is technically a forex trader; however when an experienced forex trader like Bronx asks you to join her team, she … [Read more...] about Forex trader unable to understand what’s keeping Dak Prescott from taking the first step

Goodbye World

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Some are going to say that the above title is too ‘dramatic’ and ‘insensitive’ given that I’m simply leaving a campus satirical magazine and not killing myself.  But I will counter: you really have neither a life, nor voice, nor worth if you no longer write for your state school’s satirical magazine. When I was nineteen, I joined the Travesty. Louis C.K. was my … [Read more...] about Goodbye World

The Travesty “apologizes” for taking Payroll Protection Program loan

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We, the Texas Travesty, must come clean. Like fellow small businesses Harvard University and the Los Angeles Lakers, The Travesty applied and received a loan of $500,000 from the payroll protection program in order to funnel money to our legal counsel and former associate editor, Aakash “Michael Cohen” Saraiya. While we understand our readers may be upset at this admission, let … [Read more...] about The Travesty “apologizes” for taking Payroll Protection Program loan

The Future of My Family

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I have seven siblings and I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close to any of them. I do care about them though, and have followed their lives with quite some interest. I’ve given them almost little to no advice, preferring more close observation. I have been able to do this from afar or undetected for quite some time. But because of our return to living together in quarantine, … [Read more...] about The Future of My Family

Why watching a single, feature-length movie is my version of getting into baking bread

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All anyone can talk about in quarantine is hobbies — and the most shudder inducing so far has been people getting really into baking bread. Is it the 1800’s? In many ways actually, yes (with the whole plague and all) — but still. I have decided to make better use of my time: watching a single, feature-length movie till the end. It takes the same amount of time and demands the … [Read more...] about Why watching a single, feature-length movie is my version of getting into baking bread

A LITTLE LSD NEVER HURT ANYBODY, EXCEPT MY FRIEND THAT ONE TIME

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WE’RE SEEING NEW HISTORICAL PRECEDENTS EVERYDAY. BUT THERE’S ONE REMARKABLE OPPORTUNITY STARING US IN THE FACE: NEVER HAS THERE BEEN A BETTER TIME TO TRIP ACID. UNSURE WHERE YOU STAND IN THESE TRYING TIMES? THEN YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. FAST-TRACK YOUR INTROSPECTIVE SUCCESS AND OPEN YOUR MIND TO HORIZONS YOU WOULD HAVE PREVIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. IT’S THE … [Read more...] about A LITTLE LSD NEVER HURT ANYBODY, EXCEPT MY FRIEND THAT ONE TIME

Bernie cures coronavirus, “What took him so long?” asks Fox News

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Bernie Sanders called a press conference today to announce that he has found a cure for the coronavirus. But we at Fox News are asking: What took him so long? We believe Sanders took his sweet time finding a cure for the virus because he and his commie friends want America to burn. First, he wants to give us free healthcare then he wants to forgive our student loans, why won’t … [Read more...] about Bernie cures coronavirus, “What took him so long?” asks Fox News

Saying goodbye to the only way being the funny friend has paid off for me

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Firstly, I am deeply saddened by everything that is going on but I’m the most sad about the fact that this cannot be a movie moment for me. By not having this article published on actual paper I can’t imagine everyone that was a part of my journey these past 4 years reading this on campus at weirdly the same time and smiling to themselves while “Don’t You Forget About Me” plays … [Read more...] about Saying goodbye to the only way being the funny friend has paid off for me

Local Jewish #girlboss says goodbye to only source of validation

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Many people think that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. To that I say: have you tried being a woman in comedy? Well I have (is that even OK to say?) and I’ve met so many amazing people as a result. Everybody on Travesty is so uniquely funny in their own wonderful way. The random (quirky, even) slew of personalities is the best part of this organization. I am funnier … [Read more...] about Local Jewish #girlboss says goodbye to only source of validation

Jaded comedy veteran reminisces about funnier days

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I’ve always been a big comedy guy. I even have a plaque in my apartment that says “Bless this home with love and laughter” because I want people to know when they visit me that I’m a huge fan of jokes, and also love. I still remember the first time I ever laughed: when they called Jerry Girgich “Gary” on Parks and Rec. From that moment on, I knew I wanted to do comedy. Fast … [Read more...] about Jaded comedy veteran reminisces about funnier days

Area Travesty Editor-in-Chief thinks this funny business has gone on long enough

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Dear [Your Boss’ Name], Please accept this letter as formal notification that I am resigning from my position as [the Editor-in-Chief] with [The Texas Travesty]. My last day will be [today]. Thank you so much for the opportunity to work in this position for the past [year]. I’ve greatly enjoyed and appreciated the opportunities I’ve had to [order pizza for the crew], and … [Read more...] about Area Travesty Editor-in-Chief thinks this funny business has gone on long enough

Op-ed: You would think The Cure’s band manager would be all over this

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I’ve spent hours on end, every night of quarantine, staring at the ceiling and begging to know: Where is The Cure? Sometimes I’ll even turn over and Google search “Did The Cure actually get back together or was that just a fever dream?” I literally cannot think of a better time to be The Cure’s band manager than during a global pandemic. Every day I open up Twitter and see “The … [Read more...] about Op-ed: You would think The Cure’s band manager would be all over this

Area woman mistakenly identified as horse girl

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I like horses. So what? That doesn’t make me a horse girl. I like to wear my hair in a long braid and enjoy boot cut jeans. Sue me. And you know what? It’s my choice to walk on all fours — it’s faster and more economical. Who cares if I neigh from time to time — we’ve all done it. I’m sick of all the hate I get simply choosing to wear a saddle and a bit on occasion. I’ve seen … [Read more...] about Area woman mistakenly identified as horse girl

I wish porn would play a little more “hard to get”

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Well, yet another day in paradise (isolation in my childhood bedroom)! Time for my only recurring appointment that I’ve managed to have in quarantine ... my 3:30 p.m. masturbating sesh. I do all of the hits: reaching across the bed for my vibrator, opening up Safari and uselessly pressing “Private Browsing Mode.” A mode I can only assume Apple includes just to get us to shut … [Read more...] about I wish porn would play a little more “hard to get”

OK so that’s what the Safdie brothers look like

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My (fictional) boyfriend is very … alternative. For example, if I want him to pay attention to me, I have to say the magic word: “Can you imagine if a man said that to a woman?” He’s obsessed with weed, speaking over others, and making me feel guilty for shopping on Amazon sometimes. I don’t know how I got so lucky! As you might have imagined, he was really into “Uncut Gems” … [Read more...] about OK so that’s what the Safdie brothers look like

Why I gave my moms cooking 3 out of 5 stars on Yelp

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I’m not asking for much here. I’m home from university and all I’ve requested is that 2-3 times a day, I receive a home-cooked meal or maybe just a little love and appreciation. My mother thinks otherwise.  First of all, her presentation is weak. When I came down for dinner just the other night, the lasagna was carelessly slapped in the middle of the same chipped china … [Read more...] about Why I gave my moms cooking 3 out of 5 stars on Yelp

Why your decision to bake bread at home pisses me off

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Okay, so you spent your whole weekend growing yeast and collecting dough from the dough bushes you grew on your porch or wherever the fuck that comes from, all for some measly, seedy loaf? Bonkers, I say. Why the hell would you go to all that trouble when you can simply get bread at a supermarket? Ever been to one? It even comes in cool shapes like circles. But this bread is … [Read more...] about Why your decision to bake bread at home pisses me off

Mccombs student says coronavirus will actually be good for the economy

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As the US confronts the worst public health crisis of the century, most Americans are worried about the disastrous economic impact and impending recession. But if you’re one of the 22 million Americans currently out of work, have no fear. UT-Austin Red Mccombs School of Business (did you know it’s nationally renowned?) student Brayden Lawrence has some good news for you. In … [Read more...] about Mccombs student says coronavirus will actually be good for the economy

Coronavirus isn’t as toxic as your ex — for instance, corona can finish you off

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Look, I’m horny. There, I said it! Social distancing and quarantining at home have taken huge tolls on my mental, physical, and sexual well-being. I might be the only person in the entire world going through this. Or at least, the only one brave enough to talk about it openly. If anyone else is going through this, let me tell you, you’re not alone! Living at home for the first … [Read more...] about Coronavirus isn’t as toxic as your ex — for instance, corona can finish you off

Sony announces sequel to Greta Gerwig’s “Little Women” titled “Tyler Perry’s Big Ol’ Ladies”

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LOS ANGELES — Executives confirm that Sony will move forward with a Little Women sequel from Perry’s production studio, slated for a summer release.  Perry said the title of Gerwig’s film alone gave him the idea for a movie that could evolve into a “long-term franchise.” Perry says the movie is about the perspective of the women in his family and their journey into adulthood … [Read more...] about Sony announces sequel to Greta Gerwig’s “Little Women” titled “Tyler Perry’s Big Ol’ Ladies”

Report: Mom’s obsession with iPad is tearing family apart

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KANSAS CITY, MO (randomly not in Kansas)—Diane Marshall, a Southern Baptist mom of three and self-identified “choco-holic” was now the proud owner of an iPad.  After learning this was not in fact a gag gift from her kids to make fun of her deteriorating eye-sight by getting her a novelty sized phone, she was hooked. She could finally scroll through Facebook on the “big screen” … [Read more...] about Report: Mom’s obsession with iPad is tearing family apart

Super Bowl Parties oppress me, but at least there’s spinach dip

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SOUTH BEND, IN — In the grand scheme of things, there’s simply nothing worse than a Super Bowl Party. College student Alyssa came face to face with this reality earlier this month, at her first college S.B.P. (Shitty Boys Party). During the tenth mansplaination of the “nuances of football,” Alyssa realized something that was troubling, but altogether beautiful: Super Bowl … [Read more...] about Super Bowl Parties oppress me, but at least there’s spinach dip

Report: Dad is nodding at CNBC, so the economy must be good

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—For decades, economists have developed and argued over a variety of metrics to best assess economic performance—GDP, unemployment, labor productivity, and a host of other complex calculations. But this dispute exists no longer. Top economists have shifted to a consensus that only one measure truly matters: The amount Dad nods at CNBC. “For years, I used to … [Read more...] about Report: Dad is nodding at CNBC, so the economy must be good

Local comedian leaves audience in a roar of nose exhales

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AUSTIN—On any given Monday, you can find Teddy Angelle giving it his all on the stage at Spider House for open mic night. Teddy is a regular participant and heckler of open mic nights at the Austin institution. After being a long time audience member, Teddy decided to begin performing as a comic a few months ago after making the grocery store clerk laugh with the classic “It … [Read more...] about Local comedian leaves audience in a roar of nose exhales

Bernie Sanders supporters say online harassment isn’t real, you idiot sluts

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AUSTIN—In an attempt to unify the party and mobilize supporters after the inconclusive results of the Iowa Caucus, the local chapter of Austin for Bernie released a statement claiming that online harassment from Bernie supporters “isn’t real, you idiot sluts.” “Using the term ‘Bernie bro’ is literally racist,” local supporter Byron Jacobs said, pausing his game of Counter … [Read more...] about Bernie Sanders supporters say online harassment isn’t real, you idiot sluts

Throwing it back is a metaphor for redistributing the wealth

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Abstract: When conducting this study, we found that a vast majority of straight young men want a girl that can throw it back, but only half of these young men support the heavy taxation of billionaires. In this article, we assess the lack of correlation between these survey responses and propose why the two viewpoints should, in theory, align more … [Read more...] about Throwing it back is a metaphor for redistributing the wealth

I am growing a full bush, but only to combat worldwide deforestation

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SAN DIEGO—Sometimes I feel so powerless when I read the news and learn about the environmental catastrophes taking place around the planet. I first felt a call to action during the wildfires in the Amazon rainforest last August. I donated as much as I could to the Rainforest Trust and Replant Amazon, but I never truly felt as though I was making a difference to combat … [Read more...] about I am growing a full bush, but only to combat worldwide deforestation

Opinion: Why #babynut made me a pro-lifer

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Where were you when Mr. Peanut died? On the phone? On the toilet? In the shower? I was a pro-choicer at that time, so death meant nothing to me (by the way, I was chowing down on a snack). It was not his death that impacted me most, but his resurrection. The way it mirrored the resurrection of Jesus Christ triggered a passion I thought was far gone. From spud to full nut, he … [Read more...] about Opinion: Why #babynut made me a pro-lifer

If Bernie wins life will instantly get better, but I won’t get any hotter

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UT—Like so many young and #hot people, I am looking forward to casting a vote for Bernie Sanders for President. Even better, as an American Jew I am excited to see myself represented by someone who isn’t Woody Allen or Alan Dershowitz. Bernie’s policies will take the country very far and make healthcare and education accessible to all, which is the hottest thing anyone can do. … [Read more...] about If Bernie wins life will instantly get better, but I won’t get any hotter

Opinion: If the Grinch was real, he would definitely be a school shooter

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Most bad parents raise their kids to be one of two things: high-end celebrities or school shooters. For one’s well being...it’s helpful to be friendly to both types. While I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas over winter break I had an epiphany. The family friendly movie is not only symbolic of the true meaning behind Christmas, but also the heart-wrenching story of a … [Read more...] about Opinion: If the Grinch was real, he would definitely be a school shooter

“Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses

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AUSTIN — I know I’m probably the only person in the entire world who is affected by seasonal allergies, but that shit hits me hard. It’s one of the quirkiest parts of me and something that I refuse to change! Come springtime, I wake up without my previous ability to breathe (or form meaningful relationships). Recently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the … [Read more...] about “Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses

Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough

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LOS ANGELES—After the trilogy’s final movie was released in late December, scrambling longtime Star Wars fans have turned their nitpicking efforts towards the series protagonist, claiming her tits “weren’t big enough.” “It’s probably the most disrespectful thing the franchise has done. I mean if you’re going to have a female protagonist, why not make her have huge jugs? It’s … [Read more...] about Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough

Calling your panic attacks “vibe checks” makes your therapist hate you

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AUSTIN—Therapists in the U.S. are going out of business left and right because of a sudden surge in mental health geniuses and experts across social media platforms. Some girl on twitter made a thread on “low-key signs you have anxiety” and now self diagnosing is so much easier. Clicking a pen really fast? Damn, guess you have ADHD. Bummer. Now that mental health information … [Read more...] about Calling your panic attacks “vibe checks” makes your therapist hate you

Man who rollerblades to work happy to have hobby, sad in every other capacity

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AUSTIN—Local Austinite and Philadelphia dual citizen Eric Fauster was once just like the rest of us: unsatisfied, lonely, emotionally distant, and sick of his damn commute! Unlike most, however, Fauster has been able to find a consistent source of momentary relief from the banality of life’s routine. It all started this past fall, when, despite the impending collapse of their … [Read more...] about Man who rollerblades to work happy to have hobby, sad in every other capacity