Child abduction is no laughing matter. I certainly wasn’t laughing when I poured a fully grown man into my bowl of cereal. His name is David. He had been missing since July 1988. I was horrified, first, because I usually check the expiration date for these kinds of things. But then I realized I had to call the police, and that sucked because I hate talking to people over the phone.
This is one of many such cases. Here’s how the events may unfold, according to experts: in a flurry of wonder and excitement, determined children shrink down to gopher size to escape from their bastard cousins. Scientists have discovered this as an evolutionary trait to make us ‘really good at hide and seek’. Once inside the milk carton, the walls are too slick to escape, and the contents too intoxicating. As a sick joke (I hate jokes), Big Milk then photoshops a picture of the child onto the back of their cartons. Big Milk, of course, wants to bury this secret so they can keep selling milk. I never told you this information, or I’m next.