THE NORTH POLE— For weeks, debate over Santa Claus’s private sleigh travel has been abuzz on social media. The mythical creature reportedly burns over 9,000 tonnes of carbon emissions annually — half of which comes from just one day (December 24th). The internet is now searching through Claus’s past and present to determine his public standing. The world’s eye has been … [Read more...] about Santa Claus Under Scrutiny as Private Sleigh Emissions Are Revealed
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Santa’s Elves Unionize: Cite Abuse from Santa Claus and Management
Pictured above is child-sized and aged elf, in front of the brutal conditions of the North Pole sweatshops. SANTAS WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE—Santa’s Elves posted a formal statement to the International Labor Relations Board this morning. The small humanoids pointed out possible illegal practices taking place in Santa’s Workshop and made a list of demands, among them the possible … [Read more...] about Santa’s Elves Unionize: Cite Abuse from Santa Claus and Management
Missing children were inside the milk carton the whole time
Child abduction is no laughing matter. I certainly wasn’t laughing when I poured a fully grown man into my bowl of cereal. His name is David. He had been missing since July 1988. I was horrified, first, because I usually check the expiration date for these kinds of things. But then I realized I had to call the police, and that sucked because I hate talking to people over the … [Read more...] about Missing children were inside the milk carton the whole time
Forex trader unable to understand what’s keeping Dak Prescott from taking the first step
DALLAS — Early Saturday morning, experienced forex trader Candace Bronx direct messaged Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott inquiring if he would be interested in joining her team and “turning his dreams into a lifestyle.” Anyone who trades in the foreign market is technically a forex trader; however when an experienced forex trader like Bronx asks you to join her team, she … [Read more...] about Forex trader unable to understand what’s keeping Dak Prescott from taking the first step
Bernie cures coronavirus, “What took him so long?” asks Fox News
Bernie Sanders called a press conference today to announce that he has found a cure for the coronavirus. But we at Fox News are asking: What took him so long? We believe Sanders took his sweet time finding a cure for the virus because he and his commie friends want America to burn. First, he wants to give us free healthcare then he wants to forgive our student loans, why won’t … [Read more...] about Bernie cures coronavirus, “What took him so long?” asks Fox News