KANSAS CITY, MO (randomly not in Kansas)—Diane Marshall, a Southern Baptist mom of three and self-identified “choco-holic” was now the proud owner of an iPad. After learning this was not in fact a gag gift from her kids to make fun of her deteriorating eye-sight by getting her a novelty sized phone, she was hooked. She could finally scroll through Facebook on the “big screen” and intensely stalk her kids on Instagram. Unfortunately though, her kids and husband were starting to notice her refusal to ever look away from the device. During their classic family bonding time of just vibing while watching House Hunters International, light from Diane’s iPad appeared like a beacon as she looked at recipes on Pinterest. She wasn’t even making her usual commentary about how there is no way “on God’s green earth” that two freelance graphic designers can afford a $450,000 house in the wine country of France. Her eldest daughter, Maybelline Marshall, made a scathing observation: “We literally have the words togetherness and family in a bold cursive font on our walls and she won’t even look at us because she’s addicted to Candy Crush and commenting on people’s photos of their kids on Facebook?” At press time, Diane was seen vigorously pinching her fingers together trying to zoom in on her son’s (28) Instagram story of him holding what could be, upon closer inspection, a beer.