AUSTIN—Local Austinite and Philadelphia dual citizen Eric Fauster was once just like the rest of us: unsatisfied, lonely, emotionally distant, and sick of his damn commute! Unlike most, however, Fauster has been able to find a consistent source of momentary relief from the banality of life’s routine. It all started this past fall, when, despite the impending collapse of their unilaterally open marriage, (now-ex) wife Sherry gifted the father of two a pair of rollerblades. At that moment, Eric had a feeling that things were starting to look up. And if you’ve had the pleasure of catching him zoom by on his way to work, I’m sure you’d concur with his intuition.“I just sort of knew it when I opened the box and saw the in-lines,” the Eagles fanatic recounts. “Things just couldn’t get any worse. I didn’t even mind that they were visibly used. I just thought it might help with…things.” “When you’re on the wheels, you can’t really waste any headspace dwelling on your shortcomings, be they professional or personal,” explains the neighborhood icon, slipping on the same ill-fitting Donovan McNabb jersey he wore to his custody hearing. “It’d just be too much of a distraction. As comforting as the thought of aimlessly drifting in front of a Capital Metro Bus sounds, I can’t really afford another lawsuit if it doesn’t finish the job.” When asked what he enjoys most about his new mode of transportation, Fauster instead opted to submit a personal message for publication: “Sherry,” pleaded the indebted sports gambler. “Please. I need you.”