Pictured above is child-sized and aged elf, in front of the brutal conditions of the North Pole sweatshops.
SANTAS WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE—Santa’s Elves posted a formal statement to the International Labor Relations Board this morning. The small humanoids pointed out possible illegal practices taking place in Santa’s Workshop and made a list of demands, among them the possible prosecution of Santa Claus himself. We spoke with Elvish spokesperson Sugarplum Mary and are sharing the letter out of solidarity.
When the Elven species was first contacted by Mr. S Claus, we were elated to be given such a generous work opportunity. Our people could not fight in wars due to our size, and our singular ability of amateur and small-scale craftsmanship left us useless in trade negotiations. The offer from Mr. Claus (which was 2 times the minimum wage at the time) was a Godsend, and we allowed him to gain control over us. We did not know it then, but this decision would mar our species for years to come.
Mr. Claus has yet to raise our wage since our employment in 1830, so our pay is now just 30% of the minimum wage. The Indian minimum wage. Despite this economic turmoil, other companies that would use our craftsmanship are paid off by Mr. Claus to deny our applications. Additionally, the proliferation of Elves in media, approved by Mr. Claus, makes us ineligible candidates for most white-collar industries. Employers cannot take us seriously, granting Mr. Claus an unsupervised monopoly over our species.
In the workshop, Mr. Claus constantly berates us, calling us “His itty bitty wittle guys,” a slur in Elvish culture. He constantly asks the female elves if they “craft their own sex toys,” hangs mistletoe above their workstations, and forces them to call him “sexy red” (not a reference to the rapper). It’s also a well-known fact among female laborers that “visiting” his gingerbread manor while Mrs. Claus is away is the only way to be promoted. Inside, he forces the desperate elf to snort candy-cane dust, leaving them impaired and reducing their credibility. Upper management, composed of senior male elves, knows about all of this but denies everything. During toy-making hours (20 hours of the day), upper management will force lower management to physically discipline anyone behind their quota, establishing an abusive and hierarchical relationship among our own friends and family. Upper management also likes to eat cookies collected by Mr. Claus on Christmas Eve right before us, taunting us while we starve in the non-arable North Pole.
In lieu of the abusive work environment Mr. Claus has created, we, colloquially known as “Santa’s Elves” have created a list of demands from the international courts and Claus Toys, Inc.
- An immediate break up of Claus Toys under anti-trust laws. We believe the company is a monopoly, especially over the Elven people.
- Increased social scrutiny on the depiction of Elves in media. Movies only cast humans to play elves and usually shorten characters and apply pointy ears using VFX. Not only are these casting choices a detriment to our economy, but the use of pointed ears is comparable to blackface in our culture.
- Legal investigation into the acts of Mr. Claus and upper management.
- Tolerance for Elves in white-collar industries and higher education.
- A law against the discrimination of elves for being non-human. We have had to endure Jim Reindeer laws, preventing us from rights like voting and marriage, for far too long.
- Stop calling us “Santa’s Elves.” This deepens our unwanted public ties to Mr. Claus, which is a name we did not choose. Henceforth, we would like to be referred to as “biggie tallman people.” We would also like to reclaim the “itty bitty wittle guys” word and prohibit its use by humans.
- Immediate monetary reparations from San Francisco. But only San Francisco.
- Please stop sexualizing us. It’s weird. Stop making sexy elf outfits that show off your cleavage, stop making porn where a short person is an elf, just stop. Please.
- Provide homes for us. We must live in trees, and people think it’s by choice. Do you know how many trees are in the North Pole? We have to plant all of them and wait a century until move-in. Mr. Claus has intentionally red-lined us while circulating that we prefer it.
- Give us cookie. We want cookie. Claus eats all of them, give us cookie please.
We do not think these demands are ridiculous and ask the public and the international courts to please consider our case. We have faith that the elves will finally see justice after multiple centuries.
Signed,
Biggie Tallman People