MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Astounding genealogists across the globe, a new report has set fire to our preconceived notions of heritage and its workings. In an increasingly competitive DNA testing market, 23andMe boldly claimed their spot at the top by nonconsensually indexing each and every living human’s genetic information. What they discovered will shock you. We are literally. All. Africa. Every member of the human race contained at least a 0.5% African genetic background. The implications are startling. Rachel Dolezal, famous for claiming to be African-American, claimed she “rightfully deserve[s] a public apology from Howard University, Spokane, Washington, and the world at large.” Scientists are still shaking, and sociologists are fiercely debating the new moral implications of saying the N-word.