AUSTIN — I know I’m probably the only person in the entire world who is affected by seasonal allergies, but that shit hits me hard. It’s one of the quirkiest parts of me and something that I refuse to change! Come springtime, I wake up without my previous ability to breathe (or form meaningful relationships). Recently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the … [Read more...] about “Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses
News
Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough
LOS ANGELES—After the trilogy’s final movie was released in late December, scrambling longtime Star Wars fans have turned their nitpicking efforts towards the series protagonist, claiming her tits “weren’t big enough.” “It’s probably the most disrespectful thing the franchise has done. I mean if you’re going to have a female protagonist, why not make her have huge jugs? It’s … [Read more...] about Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough
Calling your panic attacks “vibe checks” makes your therapist hate you
AUSTIN—Therapists in the U.S. are going out of business left and right because of a sudden surge in mental health geniuses and experts across social media platforms. Some girl on twitter made a thread on “low-key signs you have anxiety” and now self diagnosing is so much easier. Clicking a pen really fast? Damn, guess you have ADHD. Bummer. Now that mental health information … [Read more...] about Calling your panic attacks “vibe checks” makes your therapist hate you
Man who rollerblades to work happy to have hobby, sad in every other capacity
AUSTIN—Local Austinite and Philadelphia dual citizen Eric Fauster was once just like the rest of us: unsatisfied, lonely, emotionally distant, and sick of his damn commute! Unlike most, however, Fauster has been able to find a consistent source of momentary relief from the banality of life’s routine. It all started this past fall, when, despite the impending collapse of their … [Read more...] about Man who rollerblades to work happy to have hobby, sad in every other capacity
Report: Ben Shapiro has kinks and boy are they doozies
LOS ANGELES — According to a stunning exposé by The Earthly Enquirer that shocked no one, political firebrand and perennial weirdo Ben Shapiro was revealed to have an interesting array of kinks ... and boy are they doozies! The source (a jaded ex-lover who wishes to remain anonymous) has been verified and is believed to be credible. “One of his favorites was having me whisper … [Read more...] about Report: Ben Shapiro has kinks and boy are they doozies