AUSTIN—I know I’m probably the only person in the entire world who is affected by seasonal allergies, but that shit hits me hard. It’s one of the quirkiest parts of me and something that I refuse to change! Come springtime, I wake up without my previous ability to breathe (or form meaningful relationships). Recently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the radical move to see a medical professional. Very, very brave. As soon as I sat down in the doctor’s office, I felt my hopes lift. I couldn’t wait to feel better and also try to renew my Adderall prescription. Secretly I hoped the doctor would ask if I’m sexually active just so I could flex for a second. When my doctor entered the room, she (yes, my doctor is a woman!!!) was immediately concerned by how my breathing sounds like what some are calling a sputtering car engine. She pulled out her little flashlight even though the one on her iPhone would probably have worked and looked into my nose. “Fuck” she said, “it’s so tight.” She went on to describe the state of my sinuses, calling them “extremely unsettling but definitely tight as shit.”