JESTER WEST – On any given Wednesday, UT freshman Truman Watson can be spotted in the FAC looking longingly at a group of nursing students studying for their weekly microbiology quiz in the hopes that one of them will come over and ask him for help. Truman is a Human Development and Family Sciences major. While he doesn’t know about microbes or bacteria, he does know that he should have had sex at least once at this point in the game.
“Truman has been pretty down these days, and it’s obviously because he’s not getting any ass,” claimed his roommate Sanjay Anand, a fellow UT freshman. “I’ve been laying pipe all over the Forty Acres. This has gotta be tough for him, seeing me live the dream and all.” The boys’ RA confirmed that Truman is absolutely not getting any action, but after a bit of investigation, we can confirm that Sanjay isn’t either.
“I know I’m no Shawn Mendes, but I figured I could still get some. It’s really messing with my misplaced confidence I’ve always had,” said Truman in a desperate tone. And he is not alone. Every year, young men from all over the world make their way into college with a head full of dreams and a wallet full of condoms. Truman is just one of these boys, navigating the sea of sex, or lack thereof. In a desperate attempt to lose his virginity before he and all his friends go home for Thanksgiving, Truman was contemplating joining a yoga studio at press time.