LURLENE, IOWA — “My heart has absolutely no regard for its effect on my body,” yelled Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders at a speech on the campaign trail this week. Sanders has publicly spoken out about the attack his heart unjustly inflicted upon him earlier this month. “Yeah, it’s not gonna help your blood pressure when you’re always so pissed off about everything,” said Sanders’ doctors, indicating that his attitude has not helped to prevent his condition, and probably also caused it. However, Bernie, even while hooked up to multiple monitors, never stopped being exasperated, continuing the fed-up attitude he’s spread all over the country in his campaign for the 2020 Democratic nomination. “My heart’s blatantly conservative control over my blood will not stop my body from winning this election,” said Sanders confidently. At press time, Sanders’ doctors, grasping for straws, had recommended a specialized regimen of rage-induced exercise, consisting of watching videos of Mitch McConnell speaking while simultaneously using an elliptical machine.