Well, yet another day in paradise (isolation in my childhood bedroom)! Time for my only recurring appointment that I’ve managed to have in quarantine … my 3:30 p.m. masturbating sesh. I do all of the hits: reaching across the bed for my vibrator, opening up Safari and uselessly pressing “Private Browsing Mode.” A mode I can only assume Apple includes just to get us to shut the fuck up about privacy (i.e., I don’t fully understand what the Patriot Act is but I can grasp that it basically means the government is obsessed with me and everything I say). Nevertheless, I persist, and open up a new tab to type in “girl guy porn” and just like that, porn is handed to me. So easy, so quick, so accessible. Ugh, so boring! Like, no offense, but can some evil evangelical preacher step up their game on protesting porn so it’s harder for me to get on Pornhub? In real life, I have to dance around a guy I like for six weeks by texting and pretending that I like craft beer and The Mandalorian until he finally friend zones me. I’ve been conditioned to be turned on by this though, so to just be given my sexual fantasies like this is ineffective and a huge yawn. I just wish porn would play a little more “hard to get.”