CUMBY, TX—Cumby Sheriff Dean Gilberry, pulled over a Nissan Sentra at 2:30 A.M. last Thursday night with probable cause. The car was going 8 mph on Highway 30 according to the officer. “Officer, it smelled like this when I bought it,” said the potato. … [Read more...] about Baked Potato Gets DWI
Archives for February 2020
If Bernie wins life will instantly get better, but I won’t get any hotter
UT—Like so many young and #hot people, I am looking forward to casting a vote for Bernie Sanders for President. Even better, as an American Jew I am excited to see myself represented by someone who isn’t Woody Allen or Alan Dershowitz. Bernie’s policies will take the country very far and make healthcare and education accessible to all, which is the hottest thing anyone can do. … [Read more...] about If Bernie wins life will instantly get better, but I won’t get any hotter
Opinion: If the Grinch was real, he would definitely be a school shooter
Most bad parents raise their kids to be one of two things: high-end celebrities or school shooters. For one’s well being...it’s helpful to be friendly to both types. While I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas over winter break I had an epiphany. The family friendly movie is not only symbolic of the true meaning behind Christmas, but also the heart-wrenching story of a … [Read more...] about Opinion: If the Grinch was real, he would definitely be a school shooter
“Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses
AUSTIN — I know I’m probably the only person in the entire world who is affected by seasonal allergies, but that shit hits me hard. It’s one of the quirkiest parts of me and something that I refuse to change! Come springtime, I wake up without my previous ability to breathe (or form meaningful relationships). Recently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the … [Read more...] about “Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses
Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough
LOS ANGELES—After the trilogy’s final movie was released in late December, scrambling longtime Star Wars fans have turned their nitpicking efforts towards the series protagonist, claiming her tits “weren’t big enough.” “It’s probably the most disrespectful thing the franchise has done. I mean if you’re going to have a female protagonist, why not make her have huge jugs? It’s … [Read more...] about Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough