We, the Texas Travesty, must come clean. Like fellow small businesses Harvard University and the Los Angeles Lakers, The Travesty applied and received a loan of $500,000 from the payroll protection program in order to funnel money to our legal counsel and former associate editor, Aakash “Michael Cohen” Saraiya. While we understand our readers may be upset at this admission, let us explain. The Travesty has been in dire financial straits ever since our endowment, which had been invested exclusively in Dave and Buster’s stock, went bankrupt. We know monetary loss is no excuse for doing things against our values as an organization. But sometimes, it is. Mr. Saraiya had the bright idea to sell the Travesty’s stockpile of N95 masks to get us out of the red, but unfortunately, the Feds filed a suit against us for price gouging, leaving us even more desperate. That is why we took the loan. We know that our readership might be shocked and upset at this revelation. But the Travesty, like Ben Affleck with Hollywood, knows that you will come crawling back to us despite our past mistakes. Where else would you get your brief chuckle as you walk half-brain-dead across West Mall at 3pm having only eaten a slightly undercooked egg in the morning? Like Vanessa Hudgens, we know there’s nothing we can do to kill our reputation. What are you going to do, not mooch off your family’s Disney+ account to revisit the High School Musical series during a pandemic? This story, despite the #lamestream media’s attempts to smear the Travesty, is really nothing more than a classic case of the government failing to let the free market operate and making us suck on its discolored, wilting teat for dough. We apologize. But don’t think you’re going to get much more remorse out of us, you entertainment-starved deadbeats.