I have seven siblings and I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close to any of them. I do care about them though, and have followed their lives with quite some interest. I’ve given them almost little to no advice, preferring more close observation.
I have been able to do this from afar or undetected for quite some time. But because of our return to living together in quarantine, their personalities and subsequent future fates have really been weighing on my mind. They’ve been crowding my subconscious and desperately begging to be further explored.
Thus making what follows, necessary.
Below you will find my thoughts on each sibling and how they will end up in the coming years after quarantine. Although some are fun and some are tragic, all are fitting.
Logan (24, M)
After mistakenly watching Blackfish when he was seventeen (he thought it was a Jaws/Piranha type sea-disaster movie) in the theater, Logan was touched. He decided then and there that he would devote his adult life to the liberation of orcas everywhere, and thought the best way to achieve this was by controversial paintings and canvas prints. His most famous work is titled “You and Me and the Orca,” which is an oil-based painting that features an anthropomorphic orca holding hands with Gandhi, Martin Luther King jr., and Cesar Chavez, with tanks and protestors facing them in the foreground.
His paintings have been described as “edgy,” “uninspired,” and “evidence that neither free speech nor expression should exist.”
Before the pandemic, he was living in Los Angeles, paying the bills by managing a Finish Line and desperately trying to sell his work. It is quite obvious that Logan will not be leaving Finish Line any time soon. He never was the artist of the family.
Carly (6, F)
The artist of the family. Carly began and has thus continued a series of performance art pieces that involved her refusing to eat certain foods. At first glance, this sounds like typical picky-child behavior. But the true nuance of her work relies on a close examination of the foods she conscientiously objected. Instead of the usual broccoli, carrots, and tomatoes, Carly instead chose to forgo french fries, chicken nuggets, and various candies.
Her reasoning? Carly believed that the exploitative marketing targeting children was inherently evil, unfair, and disgusting. Although it’s fair to say that her protests will yield almost no results concerning the fundamental change she wishes it will, it’s still fascinating.
Every year I advocate to our parents that she needs a video camera for Christmas so that she can make documentaries. They never listen. Last year they got her a hamster, and she taught it sign language.
If her intellect and inherent passion are mined appropriately, Carly will presumably be apart of Harvard ’36. If not, studies have shown that when the gifts of gifted children are ignored, they will end up in prison.
Christian (38, M)
Never recovered from when our parents’ marriage was going very badly in early 2010s, and to make matters easier on themselves [our parents], they started referring to him as “the accident.”
Also has never recovered from his obsession with Home Improvement. He ended up losing millions in the housing crisis of 2008 and a couple more thousand nine years later when he was an early investor in the Fyre Festival. He has been living in financial ruin and the basement for quite some time.
I really have no educated hunch where Christian will be in five to ten years, because even the thought of any future of his fills me with intense, un-ironic sadness.
Jordan (20, M)
Lost his leg in a planking accident when it was popular many years ago. His story was very inspirational and he became a poster boy for various “dangers of the internet” campaigns. He got to meet Kevin Spacey and even took a picture with him. It was his Facebook profile picture up until Spacey’s fall from grace.
Jordan will most likely be able to coast off the injury lawsuit in which he was awarded a couple million dollars. When it happened, he immediately contacted some lawyers on the internet (without the consultation of our parents), and they advised him to put the money in a secret international bank account that can only be accessed by him on his 21st birthday.
If he has any sense at all he will claim the money and never speak to this family ever again. We have not one, but two opportunistic uncles that are both going through divorces at the moment.
Gale (17, M)
He’ll die in a car crash. He’s always been a terrible drinker.
Shelby (12, F)
She’s already a TikTok star, and a good one at that. She’s really cornered the market on cooking videos about biscuits. Shelby has been known to experiment with shrimp biscuits and cream cheese and mayonnaise biscuits. It’s because of this culinary experimentation and her general charisma that she has gotten the attention of many age appropriate suitors online.
She is currently dating the thirteen year old prince of Swaziland, who already has seven other wives. She says she doesn’t mind, and hopes to marry him when she turns eighteen. What a life.
Theodore (11, M)
Theo is a horrible playwright that will never make it in the industry. Sixth grade is going to be tough on him.
If it were up to me, I’d suggest another field to direct his energy and passion. Macroeconomics, field marketing, or data analysis. Any one of these would work.
Fern (10, F)
Fern is very nice and bookish, but she has the tendency to be too trusting. She’s too loyal to our parents – two adults that have recently proven that they should not be listened to so sternly. Rebellion is something that every child should partake in one instance or another if they expect to have a naturally developed psyche.
It’s sad nonetheless, and unfortunately, Fern will most likely join a cult in the next eight years.
This piece may come across as too bleak given that I am talking about my own family. But keep in mind that I love most of them, if that means anything.
sent in from an anonymous writer