Briefs

Briefs

Girl wearing men's deodorant must really be her own person

AUSTIN—Not giving a flying fuck what others think of her, sources report that men’s deodorant-wearing Sammie Suchs must really be her own person. "People are always confused when I tell them I wear Old Spice: Wolfthorn. And not just because they never asked... I think it’s because I still give off such a feminine, sexy vibe,” said Suchs, who transferred high schools six times for unspecified drama-related issues. "You can’t pin me down. Believe me, people have tried.
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Well-curated Facebook profile never going to be seen by ex-girlfriend.

DES MOINES – While thoughtfully weighing potential featured photos, local Junior Justin Lau reportedly realized this week that his well-curated Facebook profile was never going to be seen by his ex-girlfriend. Compounding the already existential insecurity of presenting an inauthentic version of oneself, Lau was forced to come to terms with the fact that his self-idealized image was not only false, but probably less interesting than other people she had since known. "I think it's time to turn over a new leaf," he mumbled while shoving pizza boxes further down into his trash can.
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Political cartoonist really gets the bastards this time

NEW YORK—Retired father of three and frequent coffee shopper Ben White was reportedly seen chuckling over an issue of The New Yorker this morning. “I really get a kick out of this political cartoonist. Those big banks will really feel the heat this time!” said White, as he started reading an article about Elizabeth Warren taking on Wells Fargo. White was, however, unable to articulate how exactly the cartoonist, ‘got the bastards’, or how exactly the cartoon would prompt Congress to regulate multi-million dollar banks.
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Suspicious-looking MLK statue shot by police officer

AUSTIN—At a press conference on Monday morning, Austin Chief of Police Jim Smith reportedly confirmed that the North Mall statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. had been fatally shot following a confrontation with police. “Hey, let’s be honest. All statues look the same to us,” admitted Officer Smith, quickly shifting his head to the left to keep his eyes on a hooded passerby. “But there’s definitely a justification for our actions.
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Area dad has extra flash drive just in case

LONGMEADOW, TX—Brian Matthews, PTA president and father of three Eagle Scouts, announced to his family today that he has an extra flash drive in his pocket just in case. “I’ve realized it’s always handy to have an extra USB. I just heard about this new thing called file sharing and I want to experience that with my children,” said Matthews, as his sons panicked in unison and began frantically deleting files. “Hey Jimmy boy, hand it over. I know you have lots of movies I can unload to my zippy little Flash Stick.” At press time, Matthews could be seen opening a file titled ‘Forest Cump.’
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Roommate sets weird tone by nailing enormous cross to wall

AUSTIN—Frantically consulting her friends via group text, Jester West resident Elizabeth Reid reportedly expressed discomfort with her new roommate’s choice of décor. “At first, Sandra seemed low maintenance—she moved in with one burlap sack and a flask full of holy water,” confided Reid, before explaining how their relationship had soured the next morning when she woke to find her roommate mounting an enormous, hand-hewn wooden cross. “When I opened my eyes, Sandra was looking right at me, like she was in some kind of trance. Then, she stripped naked and self-flagellated.
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Clueless man hopes drums aren’t bothering neighbor who’s been dead for weeks

GORDITA BEACH, CA—Local man Sean Arbuckle reportedly expressed his sincerest hopes that his late night drum playing night did not disturb his elderly neighbor, who—unbeknownst to Arbuckle—had been dead for three weeks and four days. “He seems to live a pretty solitary life. Never leaves the house, doesn’t check his mailbox, leaves his dog in the backyard. I just hope to God I don’t keep him up at night,” said Arbuckle between failed attempts to twirl a drumstick in his fingers.
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Clinton Refuses To Release Amazon Order History

NEW YORK—After months of false starts and mounting pressure from both major parties, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton informed the media today that she didn’t see the importance of releasing her Amazon.com order history. “Look, transparency clearly has it’s limits in certain areas, folks,” said Clinton, adding that all of the items on her order history were gifts for friends and family anyways and that we all need to relax a little bit. “There are some things in this world that need context. We all use Amazon.
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Area kid selling kidney as last ditch attempt at teenage rebellion

NEEDHAM, MA—In a final effort to test her parents’ patience, sources report that local kid, Kelly Anderson, was seen on Tuesday night sneaking out of a dark alley, a trail of blood behind her. “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission, am I right?” said Anderson, going on to explain that despite weeks of heated arguments, her parents still had refused to let her sell her kidney on the black market. “You know, I’ve always been a good kid—I get straight A’s in school, I never get ketchup on my sweater during lunch. But time was running out.
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