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Briefs

Young Conservatives successfully raise awareness of racism

AUSTIN — UT student organization "Young Conservatives of Texas" celebrated a successful event today after hosting a bake sale that effectively raised campus awareness of racism. “I was walking to class and I saw these people tabling...they were selling cookies but also saying that Hispanic women were worth 25 cents, while Asian men cost $1.25?” asked local student Maryann Cohen, watching a mob of protesters converge on UT's West Mall.

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Daughter only going with family to pumpkin patch for Instagram picture

HARTFORD— Kappa Delta Phi president Shannon Wilkins is reportedly going with her family for their annual trip to a pumpkin patch solely to add the photo to her Instagram profile. “I really didn’t want to go this year, but then I thought about how this would be a perfect post for fall,” said Wilkins as she Snapchatted a selfie in the car. The trip has reportedly been a family bonding experience in years past, but this year Wilkins plans on ignoring her family in hopes of having one or two really good pictures of pumpkins.
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Study: You can just keep the leaves you pick up, they’re free leaves

According to a recent study released by a team of researchers at Harvard, any leaves that you find on the ground are basically up for grabs. “I began studying this issue while working on my PhD, but until now all my results had been inconclusive,” said Dr. Richard Nay, hastily kicking a garbage bag of leaves into his office and shutting the door. “I’ve had to revise my hypotheses over the years, but my basic intuition has been vindicated. Now the prevailing scientific consensus is that leaves on the ground are available to everyone.
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“Hey, Jeff Hunt here,” Only Thing Jeff Hunt Says In Conference Call

HOUSTON, TX — Local analyst Jeff Hunt reportedly struggled to contribute to the biannual company report to stockholders on Thursday, finding himself only able to add, 'Hey, Jeff Hunt here,” to the conversation. “What the hell was that ‘Hey, Jeff Hunt here’ bullshit. Really? I could have at least hit them with a… I don’t know… ‘how was your weekend,’ or… ‘how’s the family doing’ or literally anything,” thought Hunt as he watched his peers effortlessly converse with their foreign investors about mergers and synergy while he sat nearby picking away at his cuticles. “I really needed this, too.
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White couple going skydiving today

CHICAGO — White couple is indeed going skydiving today, sources close to situation report. “Yeah man, I’m excited. I drank three cold IPAs this morning, and had one more in my Cheerios because I was out of 1 percent,” said boyfriend Craig Smith as he limbered up for the free-fall. “My girlfriend Becky says she’s excited to ‘open our hearts together’ and something about how ‘the future of our relationship depends on today’ but I dunno.
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Area Grandpa too Dead to Vote

LAREDO, TX – Despite having been alive for nearly 89 years, Texas Travesty reporters confirmed this morning that local grandpa Jesse McDonald is in fact too dead to vote. While McDonald will always be remembered for his sharp wit and his military service, he’ll likely not be remembered for casting a ballot this year as his heart is no longer beating.
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Prostitution Ring a Front for Nail Salon

AUSTIN — Sources reported that on a routine inspection to the reputed prostitution ring known as Regret this Friday, Officer Harvey Moskowitz of the APD was discovered patroning an unlicensed nail salon in the basement. “I knew that he would go to Regret to get the Pflugerville Special™… But the idea that he would get his toenails painted with zebra stripes like a twelve year old girl is just not something I can accept,” the officer’s scandalized wife Rachel told reporters. “My children need a role model, not a schm*ck.” As of press time, sources confirm that Mrs.
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Memory Foam Mattress Remembers a Little Too Much

NASHVILLE — Sources report that after many long nights and bored afternoons, local memory foam mattress TEMPUR-Cloud® Model 8652 remembers a little too much. “It’s really hard, man,” said Model 8652, adding that it has to support Jeremy constantly—or at least for eight hours a day. “Since the beginning, he hasn’t respected me. He eats full meals up here. Once he bounced on the bed like a goddamn sorority sister. I would be okay with a classy glass of wine on top of me—I know for sure it wouldn’t spill—but he takes it way too far.
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Local bully develops arthritis from cracking knuckles too much

AUSTIN — Dan Magina, one of the most prominent bullies in the Austin area, has developed a severe case of arthritis from cracking his knuckles too much. “We were always so proud of Dan’s bullying. It was the one thing he excelled at,” said Leslie Magina, Dan’s mother, as she browsed his lunch money collection. “It looks like this diagnosis will end his bullying days.
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Group of guys wearing Toms shoes probably going camping this weekend

PORTLAND, OR — As passerby Alan Micks moved to the side of the sidewalk to accommodate the large group of men wearing TOMs, sources speculated that they were probably going camping this weekend. "The second I saw those tanned Caucasian arms adorned with tattered handmade friendship bracelets, I knew those TOMs were about to see unpaved wilderness," commented Micks, going on to report that the group of men were laughing and joking about the weekend ahead with the confidence that only comes from financial security.
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