AUSTIN, TX – During the annual Superlative Awards Ceremony conducted by the Undergraduate Geological Society (UGS), a Spanish oak tree in the East Mall area has been named the club’s quietest member. The tree received unanimous votes for the title, making this the fourth consecutive year, and sixth out of seven, that the tree has taken home the honor. “The tree literally never speaks – we meet every Wednesday in the grassy area next to the SAC, and I still haven’t heard a peep out of it,” remarked Crack Peterson, senior environmental science major and president of UGS.
AMARILLO, TEXAS – Following a trend that began over half a decade ago, incoming 5th grader Timothy Lewis threw out his orange at lunch leading to a grand total of 2,190 wasted oranges and an accumulated loss of $1,817.17 for the Lewis family. “Oranges are the worst; I just want to eat cookies and pizza,” Timothy said, digging through his lunchbox and throwing out a Ziploc bag of carrot sticks. “Why can’t Mom just be cool like Phil’s mom?
WEST VIRGINIA - After a particularly tubular wakeboarding accident, revolutionary jaw surgery fails to fix Tony’s stupid smile. “We’re all glad that he’s able to eat solid foods again,” said Tony’s mother, “but we wish the team of doctors could have made Tony look less like an unlovable, gerbil-faced idiot.” Though the pinnacle of medical science was used in reconnecting most of Tony’s shattered jaw line, his dimples and disproportionately large gum-line unfortunately remained intact. “Sometimes I wish Tony had lost all of his teeth.
According to a study conducted by the Center for Those Without Definite Plans Yet, Mitch is assuredly still available this Friday night. The study was taken from a population sample of one and has been ongoing for several months. Remarkably, it seems that all results have been consistent and conclusive, with little change in Mitch’s commitment level from week to week. “It’s almost, uncomfortably odd.
DALLAS – Just in time for the holiday season, Southwest Airlines is raising prices for customers traveling with emotional baggage.
PHILADELPHIA – After finding a duffel bag full of racially diverse adult DVDs in the closet of her boyfriend, James Crowe, local girlfriend Andrea McDougal breathed a sigh of relief for the fact that she isn’t in a relationship with a complete racist. “Some of the stuff in here is pretty adventurous for James,” said McDougal as she combed through the large collection of videos, the majority of which are set in a Harlem jail cell. “It’s nice to know that deep down he doesn’t hate everyone.
WASHINGTON – According to a poll released Wednesday, Anderson Cooper has come out as the leading sex fantasy of girls who don’t understand sexuality, making the openly gay news anchor one of the most irrational sexual catalysts in the country. In the poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, Cooper led among demographics other than senior women that believed homosexuality is a product of not having enough fiber.
JACKSONVILLE – In a scene described as both “grotesque” and “kind of funny” by witnesses, paramedics were once again forced to exhume local resident Rick Diddleson’s penis from a hand dryer.
PHILADELPHIA – In an effort to balance his district’s budget, U.S. Congressman Paul Ryan has introduced unconventional cuts for Wisconsinites this Halloween. “It shouldn’t be a social convention that people can come to my house on October 31st in costume and expect me to hand out candy. That means they aren’t at their own houses passing out their fair share of candy,” stated the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. His running mate, Mitt Romney, has also agreed to stop giving handouts to trick-or-treaters. “Jobs stimulate the economy,” Romney stated. “Jobs.
During a school trip to the Chauvet Cave in southern France, student Eliot Ratray improved on a 35,000-year-old depiction of a buffalo by drawing a big old dong on it. “My friend Ian dared me to draw a wiener so I did,” Ratray said. “I was going to make it peeing but Mrs. Wiser started walking over.” First discovered in 1994, the Chauvet Cave is home to hundreds of paintings depicting as many as 13 different species of prehistoric animals, as well as the recent addition of a crude drawing of the male anatomy rendered in Sharpie.