PHILADELPHIA – After finding a duffel bag full of racially diverse adult DVDs in the closet of her boyfriend, James Crowe, local girlfriend Andrea McDougal breathed a sigh of relief for the fact that she isn’t in a relationship with a complete racist. “Some of the stuff in here is pretty adventurous for James,” said McDougal as she combed through the large collection of videos, the majority of which are set in a Harlem jail cell. “It’s nice to know that deep down he doesn’t hate everyone.
WASHINGTON – According to a poll released Wednesday, Anderson Cooper has come out as the leading sex fantasy of girls who don’t understand sexuality, making the openly gay news anchor one of the most irrational sexual catalysts in the country. In the poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, Cooper led among demographics other than senior women that believed homosexuality is a product of not having enough fiber.
JACKSONVILLE – In a scene described as both “grotesque” and “kind of funny” by witnesses, paramedics were once again forced to exhume local resident Rick Diddleson’s penis from a hand dryer.
PHILADELPHIA – In an effort to balance his district’s budget, U.S. Congressman Paul Ryan has introduced unconventional cuts for Wisconsinites this Halloween. “It shouldn’t be a social convention that people can come to my house on October 31st in costume and expect me to hand out candy. That means they aren’t at their own houses passing out their fair share of candy,” stated the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. His running mate, Mitt Romney, has also agreed to stop giving handouts to trick-or-treaters. “Jobs stimulate the economy,” Romney stated. “Jobs.
During a school trip to the Chauvet Cave in southern France, student Eliot Ratray improved on a 35,000-year-old depiction of a buffalo by drawing a big old dong on it. “My friend Ian dared me to draw a wiener so I did,” Ratray said. “I was going to make it peeing but Mrs. Wiser started walking over.” First discovered in 1994, the Chauvet Cave is home to hundreds of paintings depicting as many as 13 different species of prehistoric animals, as well as the recent addition of a crude drawing of the male anatomy rendered in Sharpie.
HOUSTON – After a massive budget cut, NASA has begun exploring local unemployment offices near mission control in its new program dubbed “Near Space Exploration.” It took 3 years and $400 million to prepare astronauts and construct a shuttle able to reach the office a few miles away, but everyone at NASA celebrated when the ship landed in the parking lot today. Mission control predicts they will unearth new elements and hopefully even discover possible life.
AFGHANISTAN – After another successful mission last Tuesday by a formation of F-22 Eagle fighter jets in the Parwan province, sources report that at least one UH-1N Twin Huey helicopter felt pangs of jealousy and an overwhelming desire to be reinstated as a fixed-wing aircraft. “Huey,” as the aircraft is known to acquaintances, was found in his hangar looking over photographs of jets firing missiles and watching AMC reruns of Top Gun. “Man, I’m lame,” said a dejected Huey over the roar of much more awesome jets flying in the background.
AUSTIN - Local UT sophomore Jesse Goodman claims his roommate, Chad Frost, really wants it to be “sweater weather” but doesn’t hesitate to show it. Even on days when temperatures are in the 90’s, Frost is often seen wearing an argyle over a wool-knit sweater, totally trying to play it “cool.” “Chad really loves those sweaters. He sometimes turns the thermostat down to 60 and just lays in his bed and rubs them against his skin,” comments Goodman. In the summer, Frost can be seen walking down Guadalupe while holding his “God hates the sun!” protest sign.
In response to the many recent turtle robberies committed by the local homeless community, University of Texas officials have started a campaign to stop the indigent robbers from procuring food illegally from the campus’ turtle pond. “We understand that turtle meat is a traditional cuisine of the homeless, but these turtles aren’t wild — they are property of the university,” announced Jeremy Fitch, head of UT security, at a press conference last Tuesday. Smelmi Balzak, a drag rat of five years, claims that the turtle eating is not a matter of poverty, but of preference.
AUSTIN- After spending two straight weeks at an all-girls training camp, The University of Texas volleyball team is ovulating. Their mass release of eggs comes at an opportune time for the team, which is now entering a tough stretch of conference games. “It’s impressive to see how aggressive they all are,” said head coach Jerritt Elliott, watching his team seamlessly set then spike ten consecutive points.