Briefs

Briefs

Area man hasn't seen hill he wouldn't roll down

BORGER, TX—According to family and friends, area geographer Mark Franwallis has never seen a hill that he wouldn’t voluntarily roll himself down. “I fell in love with him because of it,” explained Franwallis’s wife as she gently massaged her husband’s shoulders. “We were hiking on our third date. He pointed out a small hill to me and said, ‘That one over there looks perfect for a tumble.’ By the time I started to ask him what he meant, he was already halfway down.
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Exit Sign Nervous He Not Bright Enough, Red Enough, Good Enough

AUSTIN—Local exit sign Light Miller, located at the Paramount Theatre on Congress Avenue, has reportedly expressed insecurities regarding its performance. “This happens every time we hire new, young signs with brighter bulbs,” said the theatre’s owner Jacob VanMiner. “So I started a fire and herded everyone out of Light’s door, just to prove to him that he is still in working order. He seems to be feeling better.” Although tragic, multiple sources agreed the lives lost during the fire were a small price to pay in helping Miller get his groove back.
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God contemplating whether to create shark that can run around on land for a little bit at a time

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN—According to a few crudely scribbled images found in his bedroom, God has been thinking about making a shark grow a pair of legs so it can run around densely-populated areas and really freak 'em out. "He's such a creative deity. You should have seen how excited he was when he came up with dinosaurs," said Mother of God, God's mother. "I still have his first crayon drawings of the earth on my fridge." At press time, God was overheard telling his friends that maybe a flying shark would be even cooler.
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Obama in cold sweats after three months without deporting a single child

BELIZE—Following a three month dry spell from deporting undocumented workers and their families, former President Barack Obama has reportedly begun to experience symptoms of withdrawal. “It’s just so hard to give it up cold turkey, you know? I’ve had such a fun time traumatizing Hispanic children across the country,” said Obama as he stared blankly at the rehabilitation facility brochures spread in front of him.
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Drunk man just wants you to know

SAN ANTONIO—Feeling uninhibited enough to tell his gravest secret, inebriated party-goer, Leslie Schubert, reportedly just wants you to know. “Listen, I was in the war, the one in Afghanistan, I don’t know if it’s been named yet,” whispered Schubert loudly, spewing words and foam all over his unwilling confidante. “Probably called the Afghanistan War. There were a lot of innocent people there, good dudes.
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Late Night Birthday Wishes from Former PE Coach Confirm Suspicions

CARTHAGE, TX—By sending late-night happy birthday wishes to a former student, retired gym instructor Alan Tuber confirmed every dark suspicion held by then-students of Carthage Elementary. “In retrospect it seems so obvious,” stated Julia Kanreki after reading all seven of Tuber’s identical messages requesting her ‘new age’ and complimenting her eighth-grade composite photos.
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Secret Service foil another Melania Trump escape plot

NEW YORK—Earlier this week, Melania Trump was caught rappelling down the side of Trump Tower by Secret Service agents in yet another foiled escape attempt. “Last week we found her crawling through the vents. The week before that she tried to sneak out dressed as the cleaning lady. It almost worked that time but we heard Consuela whimpering in the coat closet just before Mrs. Trump made it to the lobby,” said a member of the Secret Service as he removed the hinges from the First Lady’s bedroom door. “It was a close call this time—she was just inches from the ground when we found her.
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Baby pictures in man's office cubicle just of himself

HOUSTON—Slowly swiveling in his office chair, 45-year-old Jeremy Halloway explained to reporters that the cute baby boy featured in frames all around his cubicle is indeed Halloway himself, and not some miserable offspring. "Thank you," said Halloway in response to a coworker who complimented the adorable baby with chubby cheeks. "Actually, those pictures are of me. Yes, I have an infant son, but he is ugly, just like my father.
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Father hoping daughter’s confidence “just a phase”

MIDLAND, TX—Showing great confusion and disappointment, local father of two Billy Preston complained about his daughter’s newfound confidence. “She’s got this strange thing happening and I don’t like it. Suddenly she’s walking around not caring what others think of her, talking about the male gaze and how we need to close the wage gap,” said Preston as he threw away the last of his daughter’s Beyoncé CD’s. “I just don’t know where it comes from because I sure as hell didn’t teach her it was okay.
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Beautiful woman's sneeze not so beautiful

NEW YORK—Veronica Palmer, the most beautiful girl in the room 90% of the time, caught her colleagues off guard when her sneeze proved both loud and obnoxious. “To be honest, I didn't realize she had sneezed. It sounded more like a fart or you know, something not beautiful,” said John Baker, who surfs reddit in the cubicle next to Palmer. “She's really been playing us.
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