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Briefs

Albino squirrel suffers meltdown under pressure of stardom

AUSTIN—Sources confirm that the University of Texas’ albino squirrel has suffered an intense mental breakdown after buckling under weight of campus stardom, falling into a dangerous spiral of heavy narcotics and alcohol to cope with the pressure that has seemingly broken his tiny will. “He still can’t even admit that he has a problem. That’s the worst part,” said junior Michael Pearson, who added that the UT community has banded together around their fallen hero. “Rehab is next for the little guy. I just hope he gets out soon though.
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God Puts Cleveland in Its Place Again

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN—Following Game 7 of the 2016 World Series, The Lord God Almighty has announced that he has finally put the city of Cleveland, Ohio back in its rightful place. “I told those assholes not to get their hopes up,” explained The Author and Finisher of Our Faith, pausing to smite some lowly orphan with cancer. “Fifty years without a championship, and then I let the Cavs win just to get their hopes up, all so I can humiliate them the same way I did Golden State.” At press time, God was considering relocating every Cleveland professional sports team just to fuck them a little more.
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Roommate courageously admits to clogging the toilet

AUSTIN— Twenty-year-old Alice Fisher did the unthinkable this Tuesday when she approached her roommate and revealed that she was responsible for clogging their shared bathroom toilet. “Since moving into a joint apartment, I couldn’t go a night without having petrifying nightmares about obstructing the toilet. They would always end with my roommate standing in the doorway and turning slowly, pointing an accusatory finger at me. I would always wake up screaming,” said Fisher in an effort to explain why it took so long for her to admit wrongdoing. “At first, I was really scared.
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Local man finally sad enough to drink Busch Lite

EL PASO, TX—After an extended period of reflection on his life, career, and personal appearance, local man Aaron Beckner has reportedly decided that he is finally sad enough to crack open a case of Busch Lite. “Back in the good ol’ days, it was always Natty or Bud—Miller Lite, if I was celebratin’,” explained Beckner, nailing an “Out of Business” sign onto the door of his now-defunct bait shop. “After Leanne left, I moved down to Rolling Rock and then on to Keystone.
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Area masochist disappointed election season over

AUSTIN—After closing his MSNBC tab and frantically searching through TMZ and Daily Mail websites for any form of controversy, area masochist Hector Ramirez lamented that the tumultuous election cycle is, at last, over. “I really got off on forcing myself to watch the debate on repeat, paying close attention to Twitter and Facebook commentary from people I went to high school with,” said Ramirez, who has been known to watch post-debate Tomi Lahren videos in their entirety.
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Church of Scientology sues man one thetan at a time

LOS ANGELES—The Church of Scientology recently announced its plan to sue each individual thetan in Nikolai Rai’s body. “At first we didn’t think we were up to the job,” said Reginald Bellbottoms IV Esq., the church’s attorney, “but then we imagined it not as us suing all his thetans, but all our thetans against all of his. This trial shall be a holy war and we are the anointed crusaders. We will crush the infidel thetans. They had the Hubbarddamned nerve to write that blog post.
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Mom and salmon-colored throw pillow a match made in heaven

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Suburban soccer mom and self-proclaimed interior designer, Tammy Miller, has created a match made in heaven with her recently bought salmon-colored throw pillow. “I swung on over to TJ Maxx the other day while I was waiting for Tyler’s Model UN meeting to get out and that’s when me and that little fringed beauty locked eyes and hearts,” explained Miller as she did some housework with the pillow under her arm.
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Area Man Pretty Sure That Tinder Must Be Broken

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Following months of using an account that hasn’t received a single match—let alone a sweet, sweet nut on the follow up—local pharmaceutical rep Adrian Baronowski is considering the possibility that perhaps the Tinder app he’s been using is broken. “This thing is not being very cooperative,” said Baronowski, who added that he’s experienced problems like this with technology before and the best thing to do is be patient and not let it get to you by thinking it has something to do with your worth as a man.
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White Guy with Dreadlocks has an Opinion

AUSTIN—Last Wednesday, Dan Spina, a white guy with dreadlocks, announced to classmates in his ‘Race in the Media’ class that he had an opinion. “But why isn’t it ‘All Lives Matter’? We’re all important. Race is just a concept,” said Spina, who has reportedly been growing his blond locs since his high school days in suburban Dallas. “Cultural appropriation? Doesn’t exist. We’re all part of the human race.” As of press time, Spina was discussing plans for a tattoo featuring a sankofa symbol superimposed on Bob Marley’s face.
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