Briefs

Briefs

Widowed Construction Worker Still Catches Self Catcalling Deceased Wife

PHILADELPHIA- Despite the fact that his spouse’s death occurred nearly two years ago, local construction worker Hank Anderson still catches himself catcalling his late wife, Jennifer. “I’m always mid-holler when I remember she ain’t livin’ no more; I can’t bring myself to whistle or hoot at any girlie but my girlie,” said Hank, remembering the time when, being distracted by some sexy little 8/10 redhead, fatally wounded his own 7/10 broad as he pulled into their driveway. “When I first crept up real close to her and screamed ‘Hot damn momma,’ she didn’t run away terrified.
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Theater Usher Sweeps Up Corpses Of Comic Book Fans Still Awaiting Post-Credit Scenes

PORTLAND, OR - It wasn’t until 2 p.m. that local theater usher Mariah Maples finally finished sweeping the last of the corpses of people who died while waiting for the scene at the end of Lizardboy 3’s credits. “I’ve had to clean up at least five times as many bodies after Marvel started putting scenes at the end of credits. These nerds are dropping like dead flies. But flies that can’t fly. Because they’re dead,” said Mariah, banging her dustpan against the inside of the trash can, emptying its contents of detached limbs and thick, nerdy glasses. “You know, it’s kind of sad.
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Student In Government Class Really Wants You To Know He A Marine

AUSTIN, TX - Reports have emerged from the front row of your government class that Greg Rockhart, 25, did indeed serve in the U.S. Marine Corps and really wants you to know it. “I think that clarifying my personal history provides critical context to my explanations regarding my faceted notions of the functioning of our government,” Rockhart clarified as he looked up from his plethora of study materials.
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Area Musician Searches For Best College To Drop Out Of

ROUND ROCK—Hoping to join the elite company of some of his favorite artists, local musician Benjamin Gerzik has been looking for the best university to drop out of. “Failing out of school is just part of the music industry. I’m sure it will make me a more talented and desperate artist,” Gerzik said, excited to hole himself up in his dorm room the exact same way he does at home. “I’m interested in schools that only have engineering programs.
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Panera Bread Commercial Most Satisfying Sensory Experience Of Area Man’s Week

WACO, TX — In a week that contained his son’s first birthday and his daughter’s ballet recital, area resident Doug Jackson told reporters that the Panera Bread advertisement interrupting the season finale of NCIS was his most satisfying sensory experience that week. “Sure, the sounds, visuals, and raw emotion of my daughter’s successful performance were nice, but no match for what the marketing team at Panera cooked up,” said Jackson, who’d recently convinced his colleagues to join the rewards program at the popular deli chain. “You can’t beat soup in a bread bowl.
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Student Asks PCL Thief To Watch His Stuff

AUSTIN—Noah Gripeson reported several personal belongings missing after asking a criminal to keep an eye on his bag at the Perry-Castañeda Library this afternoon. “He seemed so excited to help a fellow longhorn while I took a call,” said Gripeson. “I think it’s just disgusting that a thief would steal another’s items after being asked to do just the opposite.” The Texas Travesty would like to remind students in this disheartening time to never judge a crook by its cover. A watched backpack never boils.
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Area Mom Spends Half of Story Trying To Explain How Someone Is Related to Daughter

AUSTIN, TX—During a phone call with one of her daughters who never calls, Gertrude Simons reportedly spent half of the conversation explaining how her daughter is related to someone. “I called because I wanted to know whether or not it was okay for my son to smell like burnt glazed ham, and she started talking to me about my Uncle Thomas, who likes glazed ham,” said Samantha before looking out at the horizon, thinking of all the things she could have done differently to avoid that conversation.
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Point/Counterpoint: Let's Shake Things Up

Counterpoint: Let’s Shake Things Up

Comedy is all about experimenting with form, the constant pushing against the established to arrive at new and innovative creations, paving the way for the growth of human understanding. We as comedians and humans are beholden to nothing, and I will not stand to see my beloved Travesty’s creativity stifled by a blind adherence to Custom. By inverting a staple of this time-honored student publication, we can become our own gods, inventing for ourselves a heaven of hell and opening the door to exciting, new possibilities.

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Disappointed Kid Leaves Grandma’s House With No Free Swag, Won’t Attend Next Year

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Attributing it to the lack of free merchandise given out, 10 year old Tanner Bishop found this year’s annual visit to Grandma’s house incredibly lackluster. “As a longtime fan, it’s very sad to see the deterioration of a once beloved and highly anticipated trip,” pouted the empty-handed Bishop in the back of his mother’s 2015 Honda CR-V.

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Area Man Struggling to Hold Back Tears During Moonlight Wikipedia Synopsis

MCALLEN, TX - Trying not to burst into a violent sob, Richard Baker bravely scrolled his way through part one of the Moonlight Wikipedia synopsis. “Of the 10 to 15 water cooler conversations I’m regularly excluded from each week back at the office, at least two of them are always specifically about the Oscar-winning 2016 film Moonlight,” Baker said, his right hand resting on his ergonomic mouse pad that bears a stunning likeness to a pair of female breasts.
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