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Alcoholic lawmaker disappointed to discover which kind of open carry he voted for

AUSTIN—Mark Smithson, Republican lawmaker and alcohol enthusiast, was disappointed to discover today that the open carry law he voted for was not the open container law that he had so passionately championed. “Guns and beer are so similar, it’s no wonder I confused them,” said Smithson while sipping on a Busch Lite. “I should have figured something was up when a bunch of gun nuts showed up in favor of the bill, but I just assumed the two groups overlapped—hell, I own a few guns myself.
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Humanity finally decides it is pronounced ‘gif,’ not ‘gif’

GENEVA—In a landmark move meant to bring a divided society together, a council of the world’s greatest linguists have officially declared that the name of the most popular animated image format is pronounced “gif.” “I feel a bit silly now—I spent so much time arguing with friends that it was pronounced ‘gif,’” said meme artist Jessica Fargrove, still somewhat shaken. “Relationships were ripped apart by these arguments. And now to hear that it was ‘gif’ the whole time?
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Wishing well almost saved up enough to pay off student loans

AUSTIN—In the face of rising premiums, a local wishing well has almost saved up enough money to pay off its accumulated student debt. When asked for money management advice, the well replied, "Honestly? Just do what I did. Have people literally throw money at you, day after day, for years and years, until you can finally shrug off the oppressive chains of debt." After a brief pause, the wishing well shrugged its pagoda and noted, "What– were you expecting me to tell you to get a job? Come on.
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Charlie Strong Forcibly Removed from Turtle Pond Again

AUSTIN—Despite being barred from returning to the University of Texas after a similar incident last month, former UT football coach Charlie Strong was forcibly removed from campus once again after he was found swimming in the turtle pond with a megaphone and a half-empty bottle of schnapps. “We wish the best for Coach Strong and his family as he transitions into his new job at South Florida,” stated Texas’ Athletic Director Mike Perrin, who likely never foresaw having to wrangle Strong’s termination notice from a bale of Asian box turtles.
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Senator appreciates angry phone calls that aren’t from his wife

HARTFORD, CT—After a barrage of angry phone calls from his wife concerning his “lack of concern for their marriage,” beleaguered Senator Judd Lichen (D-CT) was appreciative of a furious phone call from one of his constituents instead. “The people of Connecticut actually care about what I have to say. Sure, their businesses might have been foreclosed on, but they listen. Brenda just bitches about how I forgot her birthday, again. She doesn’t see all this work I’m doing for the state,” Lichen told reporters after directing his staff to reroute all his wife’s calls straight to voicemail.
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Liquid in stairwell could literally be anything

AUSTIN—Emanating a variety of fun smells to the rest of the building, insiders report that the puddle of liquid in a local stairwell could be literally anything. “I think that this pool is definitely one of seven thousand things,” said the local liquid expert, moving his beady eyes side to side rapidly while flicking his tongue in the air. “One must understand that we can never be certain that this is one thing or another. Liquids are mobile and fickle in nature. One time it’s apple juice and the next time it’s ammonium. One time it’s water, and the next time it’s vodka.
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Bitter hag refuses to enjoy La La Land

HOUSTON—Despite rave reviews from critics and the enthusiastic feedback of her friends, local harpy Allison O’Conor failed to enjoy the movie La La Land upon seeing it last Saturday. “I thought it was just okay. I don’t get all the hype,” reported the sour-faced shrew as she left the theater, unimpressed. “I liked Crazy Stupid Love better. Now that’s a movie.” The musical, described as “captivating” by the New York Times and “cute” by Allison’s mother, simply could not crack the heart of this callous, withered crone.
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Roommate Into Jazz For The Week

SIOUX FALLS, SD — Tired of all the pretentious music these days and craving something smooth and sophisticated instead, local roommate Robert Gurden told reporters he plans on being into jazz for the week. “As far as I’m concerned, this is just better than the music my friends listen to. This is real music played by real Artists,’” assessed Gurden as he listened to some of his favorite compositions on Spotify’s official ‘Coffee Table Jazz’ playlist. “I’ve been a fan of jazz for the longest time, I really have.
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Tiny Man Stuck in Storm Drain

Tiny man looking mad stuck between storm drain grates
WASHINGTON—During a tense press conference earlier today, police chief Gordy Ramirez confirmed that a tiny man has fallen into in a storm drain and is unable to get out. “We want to get him out of there as fast as possible, but he’s not cooperating. He’s just so scared,” said Ramirez in his address to the media and concerned citizens. “Let’s just hope the man survives the night. We’ve been dropping down baggies of fruit snacks down to him. We’ve been doing everything in our power.” Sources report that the state legislature is racing to allocate more resources to the rescue effort.
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