Briefs

Briefs

Couple Celebrates Two Years of Compromise

ROUND ROCK—Local couple Jessica and Jack Clay are celebrating two years of beautiful compromise this week. When asked what their secret was, Jessica said, “kicking my childhood friends to the curb to spend more time with Jack allowed our relationship to flourish into full blown co-dependency”. The couple’s eyes lit up with excitement when asked about their future. “Since Jack decided not to go to law school we will be engaged much sooner than expected!” At press time, Jessica and Jack were seen eating together in complete silence.
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Bruno Mars Demoted To Dwarf Planet Status

HOUSTON—Members of the National Academy of Science concluded their annual conference today with a shocking press release: as the result of a new official definition, Bruno Mars has been demoted to dwarf planet status. “Despite his star following and cute little cheeks, we could no longer ignore the fact that Mr. Mars has never independently orbited around the sun” reported Chairman May Zadung. “No one is denying the massive gravitational pull of ballads like “When I Was Your Man,” but the crux of the issue is that Mr.
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Area Cyclops Will NOT Reveal If He’s Winking Or Blinking

Laughing into his mimosa, sassy cyclops Clargmyarg refused to convey to his friends at brunch whether he was indeed winking, or blinking. “I’m so unpredictable! I’m so unpredictable,” the mono-sighted monster chortled at the top of his lungs, clutching his boyfriend, Armando, for support. “We like having brunch here. Clargmyarg’s… usually not with us,” brunch mate Brittany added. “I’m not sure he’s aware how loud he is.
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Crayola Clarifies New Markers Are Marker Scented

EASTON, PA— Following a highly controversial launch of new ‘scented markers,’ Crayola has released a statement explaining that the product is scented like normal markers. “Over the past two weeks, we have received an overwhelming level of criticism from parents who believe that we have made false claims about this product,” said Crayola President and CEO Mike Perry in a statement that was written in crayon.
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Fenves Found at Strip Club Raining 10 Dollar Bills Collected From Increased Transcript Fees

AUSTIN—According to anonymous sources, President Greg Fenves was seen at a local strip club raining ten dollar bills from a burlap bag labelled "transcript fee money." The academic administrator, dedicated to "providing the high quality service that our students need and expect," allegedly spread a dozen crisp Hamiltons’ worth of intermediate denominational bills over the finely oiled ass of a Chicas Bonitas entertainer.
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Widowed Construction Worker Still Catches Self Catcalling Deceased Wife

PHILADELPHIA- Despite the fact that his spouse’s death occurred nearly two years ago, local construction worker Hank Anderson still catches himself catcalling his late wife, Jennifer. “I’m always mid-holler when I remember she ain’t livin’ no more; I can’t bring myself to whistle or hoot at any girlie but my girlie,” said Hank, remembering the time when, being distracted by some sexy little 8/10 redhead, fatally wounded his own 7/10 broad as he pulled into their driveway. “When I first crept up real close to her and screamed ‘Hot damn momma,’ she didn’t run away terrified.
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Theater Usher Sweeps Up Corpses Of Comic Book Fans Still Awaiting Post-Credit Scenes

PORTLAND, OR - It wasn’t until 2 p.m. that local theater usher Mariah Maples finally finished sweeping the last of the corpses of people who died while waiting for the scene at the end of Lizardboy 3’s credits. “I’ve had to clean up at least five times as many bodies after Marvel started putting scenes at the end of credits. These nerds are dropping like dead flies. But flies that can’t fly. Because they’re dead,” said Mariah, banging her dustpan against the inside of the trash can, emptying its contents of detached limbs and thick, nerdy glasses. “You know, it’s kind of sad.
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Student In Government Class Really Wants You To Know He A Marine

AUSTIN, TX - Reports have emerged from the front row of your government class that Greg Rockhart, 25, did indeed serve in the U.S. Marine Corps and really wants you to know it. “I think that clarifying my personal history provides critical context to my explanations regarding my faceted notions of the functioning of our government,” Rockhart clarified as he looked up from his plethora of study materials.
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Area Musician Searches For Best College To Drop Out Of

ROUND ROCK—Hoping to join the elite company of some of his favorite artists, local musician Benjamin Gerzik has been looking for the best university to drop out of. “Failing out of school is just part of the music industry. I’m sure it will make me a more talented and desperate artist,” Gerzik said, excited to hole himself up in his dorm room the exact same way he does at home. “I’m interested in schools that only have engineering programs.
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Panera Bread Commercial Most Satisfying Sensory Experience Of Area Man’s Week

WACO, TX — In a week that contained his son’s first birthday and his daughter’s ballet recital, area resident Doug Jackson told reporters that the Panera Bread advertisement interrupting the season finale of NCIS was his most satisfying sensory experience that week. “Sure, the sounds, visuals, and raw emotion of my daughter’s successful performance were nice, but no match for what the marketing team at Panera cooked up,” said Jackson, who’d recently convinced his colleagues to join the rewards program at the popular deli chain. “You can’t beat soup in a bread bowl.
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