Men are constantly reaching out to me, asking me how to best be an ally to women. They’re calling me, emailing me, even showing up when I perform my standup routine alone in my room. While this sentiment is nice and very much appreciated, my answer to them is always the same: date me! This may seem silly and reductive, but my reasoning is actually really simple: you can’t be a feminist unless you’re my boyfriend. I know what you’re thinking: men’s feminism isn’t always performative; some of them have actually done important work, like dating my sister or being a barista. That’s all great, but I said what I said. You can’t be a feminist or an ally to women unless you’re obsessed with me and validate me constantly. I don’t care if you went to the Women’s March or if you’re canvassing for Elizabeth Warren every day of the week. I don’t even care if you #StandWithPP or retweeted that video of Kelly Bachman calling out Harvey Weinstein. I won’t be accepting nuances at this time. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, the hardest phone call wasn’t me drunkenly asking him to come over multiple nights in a row. It was me, calling him the day after we broke up, to tell him that unfortunately, his feminist card had been revoked (if he’s reading this though I’m willing to give us one more shot).