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We, the Texas Travesty, must come clean. Like fellow small businesses Harvard University and the Los Angeles Lakers, The Travesty applied and received a loan of $500,000 from the payroll protection program in order to funnel money to our legal counsel and former associate editor, Aakash “Michael Cohen” Saraiya. While we understand our readers may be upset at this admission, let … [Read more...] about The Travesty “apologizes” for taking Payroll Protection Program loan

I have seven siblings and I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close to any of them. I do care about them though, and have followed their lives with quite some interest. I’ve given them almost little to no advice, preferring more close observation. I have been able to do this from afar or undetected for quite some time. But because of our return to living together in quarantine, … [Read more...] about The Future of My Family

All anyone can talk about in quarantine is hobbies—and the most shudder inducing so far has been people getting really into baking bread. Is it the 1800’s? In many ways actually, yes (with the whole plague and all)—but still. I have decided to make better use of my time: watching a single, feature-length movie till the end. It takes the same amount of time and demands the same … [Read more...] about Why watching a single, feature-length movie is my version of getting into baking bread

WE’RE SEEING NEW HISTORICAL PRECEDENTS EVERYDAY. BUT THERE’S ONE REMARKABLE OPPORTUNITY STARING US IN THE FACE: NEVER HAS THERE BEEN A BETTER TIME TO TRIP ACID. UNSURE WHERE YOU STAND IN THESE TRYING TIMES? THEN YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. FAST-TRACK YOUR INTROSPECTIVE SUCCESS AND OPEN YOUR MIND TO HORIZONS YOU WOULD HAVE PREVIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. IT’S THE … [Read more...] about A LITTLE LSD NEVER HURT ANYBODY, EXCEPT MY FRIEND THAT ONE TIME

Bernie Sanders called a press conference today to announce that he has found a cure for the coronavirus. But we at Fox News are asking: What took him so long? We believe Sanders took his sweet time finding a cure for the virus because he and his commie friends want America to burn. First, he wants to give us free healthcare then he wants to forgive our student loans, why won’t … [Read more...] about Bernie cures coronavirus, “what took him so long?” asks Fox News