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Dog the Bounty Hunter put down after breaking leg

HONOLULU, HI- Following an altercation with a fugitive of the law, noted bounty hunter Dog the Bounty Hunter had to be put down after suffering a severe injury to the ole leg. “This is how Dog would have wanted to go out,” said Dog’s wife, Beth, in a prepared statement to the media. “It was always his dream to die at the hands of a violent criminal, and whenever he would have this dream, he would do this cute thing where his legs would twitch as if his dream were actually real.”
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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 3 Years Until Proletarian Revolution

Punxsutawney — During today’s Groundhog Day celebrations, weatherhog extraordinaire Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby announced that there will be three more years of the free-market system until the workers of the world unite against the capitalist pigs once and for all. “This really is most unusual, but Phil clearly saw his shadow rise up to shake off the chains of oppression,” said Matthew Springly, president of Punxsutawney’s Inner Circle and Mr. Sowerby’s most trusted advisor.

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Texas Travesty Predicts: Trump's Inauguration

Before tomorrow’s inauguration of Donald Trump as our 45th president, the Texas Travesty’s political analysts share their five predictions for the proceedings.


• Melania will open her eyes for a total of one minute


• Students across the country are glad to have another excuse to walk out of class


• Life-size CGI Pepe the Frog dances around the pope as he swears in Trump


• Afterparty at cocaine replica of Trump Tower


• Everyone is sweaty

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Point/Counterpoint: Hold Me

Point: Hold Me. Mamma, please take me into your arms. The world is crushing my adolescent spirit and I need to feel your rough, maternal hands upon my sinewy body. Your blood is my blood and I wish to feel our pulses synchronize as I lie in your embrace. I am enfeebled. Without your touch, I may never regain the strength necessary to continue in this cruel, cold world. You are my mother and I love you. Our connection precedes my corporeal form. I was the child you always wanted, so please hold me now. I beg of you.

Counterpoint: You have leprosy.

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The $20 Transcript: 8 Exciting New Features

Requesting an official university transcript now costs $20! With that extra $10, here's what UT Students will get:

1. Scratch 'N Sniff Capability

That's right, if you scratch your grades you'll get a whiff of The UT Co-op's signature brand of cologne: Boot Juice.

2. Fully Laminated – The Tears Will Roll Right Off

Remember how when you'd cry on your transcript it would dissolve into a papery, useless wad? No more, says UT, no more!

3. Student Loan Deferral of 20 minutes

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Drunk Girl Accidentally Wins Poetry Slam

AUSTIN—What should have been the night of Stuart Williams’ life and the peak of his open-mike career quickly devolved into tears and bargaining with higher powers when some drunk girl won the Dopest Person in Austin slam poetry contest. “I just… I can’t believe this amateur won, I can do better than that off the top of my head,” stammered Williams while tying a third cashmere scarf around his neck.

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Botanist Categorizes Local Vegetation Into Smokeable and Not

HELENA, MT—After years of studying a variety of weeds, Dr. Albert Hodges has categorized local vegetation into smokeable and not. “You know, I pursued this field to try and reintegrate milkweed back into society to protect the monarch butterflies,” Hodges said, while sorting a dozen potted plants into two sections labeled ‘not kush’ and ‘totally kush.’ “But after the divorce, I needed something new to reinvigorate my passion for botany. I love the ganja as much as my wife used to love me.” As of press time, Hodges was seen hotboxing his greenhouse.

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Apple Advertising Team Recruits Man for his Genderless, Raceless Hands

CUPERTINO, CA—The Apple advertising department recently hired Adisa Adebola as a full time hand model after noticing his seemingly genderless, raceless hands on a popular pornography site. “I got a call one day and I was hired at Apple the day after. It was surreal—I still have no idea how they found me,” said Adebola as he repeatedly fingered the home button of an iPhone. “I’m just glad somebody finally wanted me for something besides my genderless, raceless ass.” As of press time, Adebola was last seen in a workshop at Apple, learning how to swipe through apps less sexually.

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Dad Responds to Heartfelt Text from Son with 'UNSUBSCRIBE’

DALLAS—Ron Samson responded to his 10-year-old son’s loving text today with ‘unsubscribe.’ “I love my son, but I didn’t want to read that,” said Samson, as he worked on repairing the family car, seething with toxic masculinity. "I get that Charlie really appreciated my help with the science project, and thinks that it ‘totally brought us closer,’ but, God, that’s embarrassing. What would the guys think?” As of press time, Samson could be seen grabbing a beer from the fridge as Charlie attempted to thank his father for a ride to school that morning.

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