Punxsutawney — During today’s Groundhog Day celebrations, weatherhog extraordinaire Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby announced that there will be three more years of the free-market system until the workers of the world unite against the capitalist pigs once and for all. “This really is most unusual, but Phil clearly saw his shadow rise up to shake off the chains of oppression,” said Matthew Springly, president of Punxsutawney’s Inner Circle and Mr. Sowerby’s most trusted advisor.
Before tomorrow’s inauguration of Donald Trump as our 45th president, the Texas Travesty’s political analysts share their five predictions for the proceedings.
• Melania will open her eyes for a total of one minute
• Students across the country are glad to have another excuse to walk out of class
• Life-size CGI Pepe the Frog dances around the pope as he swears in Trump
• Afterparty at cocaine replica of Trump Tower
• Everyone is sweaty
“Hey babe…” I murmured timidly.
Counterpoint: You have leprosy.
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AUSTIN—What should have been the night of Stuart Williams’ life and the peak of his open-mike career quickly devolved into tears and bargaining with higher powers when some drunk girl won the Dopest Person in Austin slam poetry contest. “I just… I can’t believe this amateur won, I can do better than that off the top of my head,” stammered Williams while tying a third cashmere scarf around his neck.
HELENA, MT—After years of studying a variety of weeds, Dr. Albert Hodges has categorized local vegetation into smokeable and not. “You know, I pursued this field to try and reintegrate milkweed back into society to protect the monarch butterflies,” Hodges said, while sorting a dozen potted plants into two sections labeled ‘not kush’ and ‘totally kush.’ “But after the divorce, I needed something new to reinvigorate my passion for botany. I love the ganja as much as my wife used to love me.” As of press time, Hodges was seen hotboxing his greenhouse.
CUPERTINO, CA—The Apple advertising department recently hired Adisa Adebola as a full time hand model after noticing his seemingly genderless, raceless hands on a popular pornography site. “I got a call one day and I was hired at Apple the day after. It was surreal—I still have no idea how they found me,” said Adebola as he repeatedly fingered the home button of an iPhone. “I’m just glad somebody finally wanted me for something besides my genderless, raceless ass.” As of press time, Adebola was last seen in a workshop at Apple, learning how to swipe through apps less sexually.
DALLAS—Ron Samson responded to his 10-year-old son’s loving text today with ‘unsubscribe.’ “I love my son, but I didn’t want to read that,” said Samson, as he worked on repairing the family car, seething with toxic masculinity. "I get that Charlie really appreciated my help with the science project, and thinks that it ‘totally brought us closer,’ but, God, that’s embarrassing. What would the guys think?” As of press time, Samson could be seen grabbing a beer from the fridge as Charlie attempted to thank his father for a ride to school that morning.