Briefs

Briefs

Student debt gets tenure

AUSTIN — In a decision that came as no surprise to those who know him intimately and wish they didn’t, Student Debt has finally received tenure from the University of Texas. “He’s meticulous, you know? His style’s a bit slow, but somehow, someway he always manages to come out on top,” said UT President Gregory Fenves, scanning his eyes anxiously back and forth across the auditorium. Reports show that the members of the Board of Trustees were at odds once the recommendation was made, citing Debt’s tendency to take more than he gives.
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Area Necrophiliac Really Digging New Girl

JACKSONVILLE, FL — Hastily zipping up his dirt and embalming fluid soaked jeans, local necromaniac Jeb Peters was reported to have really made a “connection” with a recently deceased exotic dancer. “Once I got all of the maggots out of her nose, I could tell she was just dying to get with me. It wasn’t just rigor mortis making her eyes fall open—those were total bedroom eyes,” Jeb said, noting that he had been searching for love for quite some time, especially behind dumpsters, in coroner’s offices, and even outside of intensive care units.
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Point/Counterpoint: Release your tax returns

Point: release your tax returns it's my right as a taxpayer to know

Frankly, sir, your refusal to show the honest American public your tax returns is downright blasphemous. I pay taxes! I make far less as a Comcast Customer Service Representative than you in your high-and-mighty occupation. If you're going to be in charge, expecting us to believe this claim then I want to know this information. I deserve to know.

Counterpoint: I'm your gynecologist, Jean, nothing will change your HPV diagnosis

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Local man attends party as obscure reference he’ll have to explain all night

OMAHA, NE — Standing near the punch bowl dressed in seemingly 80s attire, local DMV employee Sirius Fan reportedly explained his obscure costume to party guests all night. “I’m Marty McFly, but the Eric Stoltz version, not the Michael J. Fox-McFly”, Fan lectured, popping the collar of his leather jacket and failing to notice that he had lulled the surrounding crowd to sleep. “Not many people can appreciate Stoltz’s original interpretation of Marty McFly, his on-screen chemistry with Christopher Lloyd is unprecedented compared to that Michael J. Fox crap”.
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Area college student confuses article-sharing for voting

COLUMBUS — Staring intently at her Facebook feed, local college student Marybeth Hunter happily cast her vote for Donald J. Trump by sharing the next juicy article relating to this year’s presidential race. “I think I’m really helping Trump’s chances of winning by showing the truth behind crooked Hillary,” Hunter said, as she shared her fifteenth article of the day on Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton’s email scandal. “I’ve heard a lot about ‘voting in the polls,’ so I’ve supported my boy Trump in every online poll I can find.
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Professor insists he hadn’t thought of it that way before

AUSTIN — UT Professor Samuel F. Bradley reportedly insisted in his 19th Century British Lit class this Friday that he really hadn’t thought of it that way before. “We were discussing Charles Dickens, you know, old stuff,” Senior Cassidy McMillan said, pulling her heavily annotated copy of A Tale of Two Cities out of her backpack. “We started to talk about themes and symbolism, I chimed in, and Prof Bradley insisted that he’d never thought of the book in that way before. Insisted! We were amazed.
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Party city annexes Party Suburb

AUSTIN — After months of heated negotiations in the Party United Nations headquarters located in the Shipley’s parking lot, sources indicate that Party City officially annexed Party Suburb last Tuesday. “With a name like Party Suburb, they’re basically asking for it,” said DJ Khaled, Mayor of Party City, going on to giggle over Party Suburb’s 2016 fiscal budget of $2,766 for their pro-independence TV campaign. “I know that for a lot of people, this annexation is a touchy subject, but what is Party Suburb on its own anyways?
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Danish Government Floored upon Remembering they Still Own Greenland

COPENHAGEN – Amid cries of “Shit! Shit! Holy Shit!” and “What the hell is this?” members of the Danish parliament could hardly keep themselves together during a recent parliamentary session in which senior ranking officials realized their country still owned the world’s largest island. “How did such a large mass of ice get all the way up there? How did we come into possession of it? Does anyone live there? How do we even visit? Do they have planes?
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Sale of last COEXIST sticker ushers in dark times

MADISON, WI — After hours of searching online for a way to display her tolerance of other peoples, area woman Shelly Quesey reportedly discovered that someone had purchased the last COEXIST sticker in coexistence. “I can’t believe they’re all gone. This can only mean that the Crusades of the 21st century are finally upon us,” said Quesey as she glared at her homely ’98 Subaru Forester’s empty bumper. “I hope whoever bought the last sticker really needed it. When judgement day comes I don’t know how they’ll know to spare me.
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Young Conservatives successfully raise awareness of racism

AUSTIN — UT student organization "Young Conservatives of Texas" celebrated a successful event today after hosting a bake sale that effectively raised campus awareness of racism. “I was walking to class and I saw these people tabling...they were selling cookies but also saying that Hispanic women were worth 25 cents, while Asian men cost $1.25?” asked local student Maryann Cohen, watching a mob of protesters converge on UT's West Mall.
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