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Area student has only four more sticks of gum, chances to make friends

SYRACUSE, NY—Area student Craig McGee has only four more sticks of gum to employ in the hopes of making friends, sources report. “I’d say fresh spearmint is the best foundation for a lasting friendship. You gotta save that sinful cinnamon for the ladies,” said 19-year-old McGee, who majors in supply-chain management. “It’s really a numbers game. Right now I have zero friends, but at the end of the day I could have enough for a game of Chutes and Ladders.” As of press time, McGee seen scraping gum off of the bottom of desks into a brown paper bag.
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Area man tries to masturbate louder than roommate can have sex

AUSTIN—UT sophomore Will Stevens has made it his mission to masturbate as loudly and violently as possible, in order to drown out the moans from his sexually actively roommate, Garrett. “After figuring out that blasting Chopin from my Bose speakers didn't quite drown out the screams of ecstasy coming from the next room, I realized that beating my meat would do the trick,” said Stevens as he tossed a pile of stiff Goldtoe socks in his laundry pile. “The thing is, I’ve masturbated so much, both my hands AND my member are completely raw.
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Mike Pence celebrates inauguration with first blink of year

WASHINGTON—Upon hearing Donald Trump recite the oath of office to become the 45th President of the United States, Mike Pence, overcome with emotion, relished the moment by blinking for the first time since the end of 2016. "Golly, it's times like these when I just have to close my eyes for a split-second before opening them again for an extended period of time," said Pence as the blood vessels in his sclerae burst and congealed.
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Alcoholic lawmaker disappointed to discover which kind of open carry he voted for

AUSTIN—Mark Smithson, Republican lawmaker and alcohol enthusiast, was disappointed to discover today that the open carry law he voted for was not the open container law that he had so passionately championed. “Guns and beer are so similar, it’s no wonder I confused them,” said Smithson while sipping on a Busch Lite. “I should have figured something was up when a bunch of gun nuts showed up in favor of the bill, but I just assumed the two groups overlapped—hell, I own a few guns myself.
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Humanity finally decides it is pronounced ‘gif,’ not ‘gif’

GENEVA—In a landmark move meant to bring a divided society together, a council of the world’s greatest linguists have officially declared that the name of the most popular animated image format is pronounced “gif.” “I feel a bit silly now—I spent so much time arguing with friends that it was pronounced ‘gif,’” said meme artist Jessica Fargrove, still somewhat shaken. “Relationships were ripped apart by these arguments. And now to hear that it was ‘gif’ the whole time?
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Wishing well almost saved up enough to pay off student loans

AUSTIN—In the face of rising premiums, a local wishing well has almost saved up enough money to pay off its accumulated student debt. When asked for money management advice, the well replied, "Honestly? Just do what I did. Have people literally throw money at you, day after day, for years and years, until you can finally shrug off the oppressive chains of debt." After a brief pause, the wishing well shrugged its pagoda and noted, "What– were you expecting me to tell you to get a job? Come on.
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Charlie Strong Forcibly Removed from Turtle Pond Again

AUSTIN—Despite being barred from returning to the University of Texas after a similar incident last month, former UT football coach Charlie Strong was forcibly removed from campus once again after he was found swimming in the turtle pond with a megaphone and a half-empty bottle of schnapps. “We wish the best for Coach Strong and his family as he transitions into his new job at South Florida,” stated Texas’ Athletic Director Mike Perrin, who likely never foresaw having to wrangle Strong’s termination notice from a bale of Asian box turtles.
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Senator appreciates angry phone calls that aren’t from his wife

HARTFORD, CT—After a barrage of angry phone calls from his wife concerning his “lack of concern for their marriage,” beleaguered Senator Judd Lichen (D-CT) was appreciative of a furious phone call from one of his constituents instead. “The people of Connecticut actually care about what I have to say. Sure, their businesses might have been foreclosed on, but they listen. Brenda just bitches about how I forgot her birthday, again. She doesn’t see all this work I’m doing for the state,” Lichen told reporters after directing his staff to reroute all his wife’s calls straight to voicemail.
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Liquid in stairwell could literally be anything

AUSTIN—Emanating a variety of fun smells to the rest of the building, insiders report that the puddle of liquid in a local stairwell could be literally anything. “I think that this pool is definitely one of seven thousand things,” said the local liquid expert, moving his beady eyes side to side rapidly while flicking his tongue in the air. “One must understand that we can never be certain that this is one thing or another. Liquids are mobile and fickle in nature. One time it’s apple juice and the next time it’s ammonium. One time it’s water, and the next time it’s vodka.
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Bitter hag refuses to enjoy La La Land

HOUSTON—Despite rave reviews from critics and the enthusiastic feedback of her friends, local harpy Allison O’Conor failed to enjoy the movie La La Land upon seeing it last Saturday. “I thought it was just okay. I don’t get all the hype,” reported the sour-faced shrew as she left the theater, unimpressed. “I liked Crazy Stupid Love better. Now that’s a movie.” The musical, described as “captivating” by the New York Times and “cute” by Allison’s mother, simply could not crack the heart of this callous, withered crone.
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