Briefs

Briefs

White couple going skydiving today

CHICAGO — White couple is indeed going skydiving today, sources close to situation report. “Yeah man, I’m excited. I drank three cold IPAs this morning, and had one more in my Cheerios because I was out of 1 percent,” said boyfriend Craig Smith as he limbered up for the free-fall. “My girlfriend Becky says she’s excited to ‘open our hearts together’ and something about how ‘the future of our relationship depends on today’ but I dunno.
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Area Grandpa too Dead to Vote

LAREDO, TX – Despite having been alive for nearly 89 years, Texas Travesty reporters confirmed this morning that local grandpa Jesse McDonald is in fact too dead to vote. While McDonald will always be remembered for his sharp wit and his military service, he’ll likely not be remembered for casting a ballot this year as his heart is no longer beating.
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Prostitution Ring a Front for Nail Salon

AUSTIN — Sources reported that on a routine inspection to the reputed prostitution ring known as Regret this Friday, Officer Harvey Moskowitz of the APD was discovered patroning an unlicensed nail salon in the basement. “I knew that he would go to Regret to get the Pflugerville Special™… But the idea that he would get his toenails painted with zebra stripes like a twelve year old girl is just not something I can accept,” the officer’s scandalized wife Rachel told reporters. “My children need a role model, not a schm*ck.” As of press time, sources confirm that Mrs.
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Memory Foam Mattress Remembers a Little Too Much

NASHVILLE — Sources report that after many long nights and bored afternoons, local memory foam mattress TEMPUR-Cloud® Model 8652 remembers a little too much. “It’s really hard, man,” said Model 8652, adding that it has to support Jeremy constantly—or at least for eight hours a day. “Since the beginning, he hasn’t respected me. He eats full meals up here. Once he bounced on the bed like a goddamn sorority sister. I would be okay with a classy glass of wine on top of me—I know for sure it wouldn’t spill—but he takes it way too far.
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Local bully develops arthritis from cracking knuckles too much

AUSTIN — Dan Magina, one of the most prominent bullies in the Austin area, has developed a severe case of arthritis from cracking his knuckles too much. “We were always so proud of Dan’s bullying. It was the one thing he excelled at,” said Leslie Magina, Dan’s mother, as she browsed his lunch money collection. “It looks like this diagnosis will end his bullying days.
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Group of guys wearing Toms shoes probably going camping this weekend

PORTLAND, OR — As passerby Alan Micks moved to the side of the sidewalk to accommodate the large group of men wearing TOMs, sources speculated that they were probably going camping this weekend. "The second I saw those tanned Caucasian arms adorned with tattered handmade friendship bracelets, I knew those TOMs were about to see unpaved wilderness," commented Micks, going on to report that the group of men were laughing and joking about the weekend ahead with the confidence that only comes from financial security.
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Lonely butcher sees meat locker as meet ‘n greet locker

PFLUGERVILLE, TX—Area meat specialist and desperately lonely individual John McLarry recently told reporters that he plans to turn his butcher shop into, above all, a place to make friends. “It’s a safe place where you can buy some beef, but, more importantly, set aside your beefs,” said the pork peddler while hanging a swing from a meat hook. “It’s great knowing that I can bring people together while cutting animals apart. I’ll be honest, this place wasn’t always a social hub—let’s just say I used to brine meat with my tears.
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Stop sign vandalized to read “Stop War” doesn’t seem to work

WASHINGTON—Despite the millions of dollars and thousands of man hours spent developing the highly classified project, Secretary of State John Kerry announced Thursday that a stop sign he had recently vandalized to read “Stop War,” doesn’t seem to be working. “Although the road to peace is long, winding, and full of serial killers posing as hitchhikers, we at the State Department remain committed to finding peaceful solutions to global conflicts,” proclaimed Secretary Kerry, his cheeks drooping past his chin with patriotic fervor.
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Area man marries black wife just to call kids the n-word

ORLANDO, FL—After countless years spent suppressing his racist impulses, area man Warren Peters reportedly married a black woman so that he could one day have children he could call the n-word. “You cannot believe how grateful I am to have the opportunity to dehumanize my own children,” said Peters as he wrote down a list of ways to be racist at future birthday parties. “Like, picture this: my son is ten years old with no idea race is a social construct. He thinks he’s a totally different species!
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Philosophy professor relating all thought experiments to his divorce

AUSTIN—While still reeling from his tempestuous separation from his wife, UT philosophy professor Jack Sanders applied thought experiments from his 8 AM introductory philosophy lecture to aspects of his divorce. “Forget Plato—here’s a thought experiment for you suckers,” said Sanders, loosening his wrinkled tie and fiddling with his wedding band that now means nothing. “You spend 23 years with the same loose woman, only to find out that her ‘Friday office hours’ are actually hours spent boinking the express checkout guy from Central Market.
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