Briefs

Briefs

Area college student confuses article-sharing for voting

COLUMBUS — Staring intently at her Facebook feed, local college student Marybeth Hunter happily cast her vote for Donald J. Trump by sharing the next juicy article relating to this year’s presidential race. “I think I’m really helping Trump’s chances of winning by showing the truth behind crooked Hillary,” Hunter said, as she shared her fifteenth article of the day on Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton’s email scandal. “I’ve heard a lot about ‘voting in the polls,’ so I’ve supported my boy Trump in every online poll I can find.
Tags: 

Professor insists he hadn’t thought of it that way before

AUSTIN — UT Professor Samuel F. Bradley reportedly insisted in his 19th Century British Lit class this Friday that he really hadn’t thought of it that way before. “We were discussing Charles Dickens, you know, old stuff,” Senior Cassidy McMillan said, pulling her heavily annotated copy of A Tale of Two Cities out of her backpack. “We started to talk about themes and symbolism, I chimed in, and Prof Bradley insisted that he’d never thought of the book in that way before. Insisted! We were amazed.
Tags: 

Party city annexes Party Suburb

AUSTIN — After months of heated negotiations in the Party United Nations headquarters located in the Shipley’s parking lot, sources indicate that Party City officially annexed Party Suburb last Tuesday. “With a name like Party Suburb, they’re basically asking for it,” said DJ Khaled, Mayor of Party City, going on to giggle over Party Suburb’s 2016 fiscal budget of $2,766 for their pro-independence TV campaign. “I know that for a lot of people, this annexation is a touchy subject, but what is Party Suburb on its own anyways?
Tags: 

Danish Government Floored upon Remembering they Still Own Greenland

COPENHAGEN – Amid cries of “Shit! Shit! Holy Shit!” and “What the hell is this?” members of the Danish parliament could hardly keep themselves together during a recent parliamentary session in which senior ranking officials realized their country still owned the world’s largest island. “How did such a large mass of ice get all the way up there? How did we come into possession of it? Does anyone live there? How do we even visit? Do they have planes?
Tags: 

Sale of last COEXIST sticker ushers in dark times

MADISON, WI — After hours of searching online for a way to display her tolerance of other peoples, area woman Shelly Quesey reportedly discovered that someone had purchased the last COEXIST sticker in coexistence. “I can’t believe they’re all gone. This can only mean that the Crusades of the 21st century are finally upon us,” said Quesey as she glared at her homely ’98 Subaru Forester’s empty bumper. “I hope whoever bought the last sticker really needed it. When judgement day comes I don’t know how they’ll know to spare me.
Tags: 

Young Conservatives successfully raise awareness of racism

AUSTIN — UT student organization "Young Conservatives of Texas" celebrated a successful event today after hosting a bake sale that effectively raised campus awareness of racism. “I was walking to class and I saw these people tabling...they were selling cookies but also saying that Hispanic women were worth 25 cents, while Asian men cost $1.25?” asked local student Maryann Cohen, watching a mob of protesters converge on UT's West Mall.
Tags: 

Young Conservatives successfully raise awareness of racism

AUSTIN — UT student organization "Young Conservatives of Texas" celebrated a successful event today after hosting a bake sale that effectively raised campus awareness of racism. “I was walking to class and I saw these people tabling...they were selling cookies but also saying that Hispanic women were worth 25 cents, while Asian men cost $1.25?” asked local student Maryann Cohen, watching a mob of protesters converge on UT's West Mall.

Tags: 

Daughter only going with family to pumpkin patch for Instagram picture

HARTFORD— Kappa Delta Phi president Shannon Wilkins is reportedly going with her family for their annual trip to a pumpkin patch solely to add the photo to her Instagram profile. “I really didn’t want to go this year, but then I thought about how this would be a perfect post for fall,” said Wilkins as she Snapchatted a selfie in the car. The trip has reportedly been a family bonding experience in years past, but this year Wilkins plans on ignoring her family in hopes of having one or two really good pictures of pumpkins.
Tags: 

Study: You can just keep the leaves you pick up, they’re free leaves

According to a recent study released by a team of researchers at Harvard, any leaves that you find on the ground are basically up for grabs. “I began studying this issue while working on my PhD, but until now all my results had been inconclusive,” said Dr. Richard Nay, hastily kicking a garbage bag of leaves into his office and shutting the door. “I’ve had to revise my hypotheses over the years, but my basic intuition has been vindicated. Now the prevailing scientific consensus is that leaves on the ground are available to everyone.
Tags: 

“Hey, Jeff Hunt here,” Only Thing Jeff Hunt Says In Conference Call

HOUSTON, TX — Local analyst Jeff Hunt reportedly struggled to contribute to the biannual company report to stockholders on Thursday, finding himself only able to add, 'Hey, Jeff Hunt here,” to the conversation. “What the hell was that ‘Hey, Jeff Hunt here’ bullshit. Really? I could have at least hit them with a… I don’t know… ‘how was your weekend,’ or… ‘how’s the family doing’ or literally anything,” thought Hunt as he watched his peers effortlessly converse with their foreign investors about mergers and synergy while he sat nearby picking away at his cuticles. “I really needed this, too.
Tags: 

Pages

Subscribe to RSS - Briefs