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Briefs

Flickering florescent light symbol of worse yet to come

AUSTIN—News sources report that a fluorescent light flickering in a recently abandoned office building can only be a sign of worse yet to come. “The years blink in and out, growing darker and more troublesome as time turns longer and more morose,” said the lot’s resident loiterer Gully Smith as he emerged from a storm drain. “The last time that light flickered, the Czechs assassinated McKinley.” As of press time, the general sadness around the tiny, gray block was seen seeping into the small, gray city.
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Man drinking sake really appreciates Japanese Culture

AUSTIN—In a violent outburst at the local Benihana, self-proclaimed wakizashi master Ethan Johns announced his intense appreciation for Japanese culture after one too many glasses of fermented rice wine. “I'm a modern day renaissance man. The last samurai,” Johns allegedly screamed, brandishing a 70 cm long katana and a copy of Dragonball Z. “You know what I mean? The last samurai—like Tom Cruise, in that movie, The Last Samurai.” Authorities failed to detain Johns after his driver's license was found to be a holo rare Pokemon card featuring the fictional character “Dragonite.”
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Throat singer just wants same respect given mouth singers

TUVALU—After years of feeling underappreciated in the music community, Tuvan throat singer Lkhagvyn Ganbaatar demanded to be treated with the respect traditionally given to mouth singers. “It is fundamentally wrong to discriminate against us throat singers just because we refuse to conform to society’s expectations for vocalists,” droned Ganbaatar through a worn-down pharynx into the crisp Mongolian air. “Just another example of Western imperialist cultural hegemony.
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Area meat boss loses yet another innocent child to the meat machine

CHICAGO—Yet another small child has been lost to the big meat machine, local meat boss announced. “I tell th’ kids not ta straddle th’ contraption but them youngins still git jammed up real good in there,” explained the meat boss, whose powerful thighs famously made him the only Illinois sausage boy ever to unhinge the ancient machine’s enchanted lever. “It must’ve killed ‘bout 17 of thos’ kiddos, so I reckon God can’t send all of ‘em to Hell.” As of press time, one of the meat boss’s “lil meat boys” could be seen straddling the mighty blood-rusted meat machine.
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Area man braces for conversation as roommate goes "huh" again

AUSTIN—Returning to his apartment after a long study session, area student Charles Kitschman was reportedly dismayed to hear his roommate direct an inquisitive “huh” in his direction, apparently with the intent of beginning a conversation. “I heard him, but I was ready to head straight to bed and conk out for the night,” Kitschman shakily told reporters.
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Betsy DeVos Resigns After Tasting First Cafeteria Lunch

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos resigned earlier today after a disastrous visit to SunnySide Elementary, where she was served tater tots and upside down Frito pie for lunch. “Ms. DeVos got really mad because our school doesn’t have crème brûlée,” said SunnySide 4th grader Tim Tompkins, who DeVos repeatedly and inexplicably referred to as “Edmund.” “I tried to share my tater tots with her but I don’t think she knew how to eat them. She kept telling me to chew with my mouth closed and that I should cut my hair.
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Going against the grain made more difficult by powerful grain lobby

BISMARCK, ND—Due to the recent escalation in anti-grain and wheat sentiment, lobbyists working for the Grains Council are in the midst of a sweeping national publicity campaign. “Grains have been the backbone of this country since its birth. Deviating from this tried and true principle is a betrayal to this great nation and its founding fathers,” explained the president of the Grains Council during his speech at a fundraiser, the gift bags from which reportedly contained approximately 25 loose dinner rolls. “I mean, the whole gluten free thing, that stuff just doesn’t taste right.
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8 out of 10 doctors recommend not listening to the other two

HOUSTON—The Texas Medical Center was abuzz with controversy this past weekend when preliminary results of a government survey revealed that 8 out of 10 doctors recommend not listening to the other two. “I trust my colleagues... Most of them, anyways. There’s these two guys in my department—east coast types, you know the kind—they’re just real knuckleheads,” remarked famed urologist Chester Rothbury as he peeked over his shoulder cautiously. “Me and my seven colleagues really don’t trust ‘em. It’s like that in every department though.
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Pen-biting student up to two packs a day

AUSTIN — Mechanical engineering sophomore Spencer Chompsky has admitted that his pen-biting addiction has intensified lately, confirming that he’s up to two packs a day. “People warn you about how addictive it is, but you just think, ‘I’m different,’ you know?” said Chompsky as he put another gnarled pen into his inktray. “If I could tell anything to kids, it would be to never start; don’t even take the first bite.
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Obama uses new free time to volunteer at drone shelter

WASHINGTON—Following his departure from the highest position in American government, Barack Obama has recently declared that he will now dedicate his life’s work to assisting the unfortunate residents of the many drone shelters scattered across the nation’s military bases. “When I found out about the countless homeless drones that fill our cities after returning from combat, I just knew I had to do something,” stated a tearful Obama, stopping momentarily as he fondly reminisced on the time he ordered a drone strike on a suspected terrorist base, only to discover it was just a wedding.
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