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Briefs

Church of Scientology sues man one thetan at a time

LOS ANGELES—The Church of Scientology recently announced its plan to sue each individual thetan in Nikolai Rai’s body. “At first we didn’t think we were up to the job,” said Reginald Bellbottoms IV Esq., the church’s attorney, “but then we imagined it not as us suing all his thetans, but all our thetans against all of his. This trial shall be a holy war and we are the anointed crusaders. We will crush the infidel thetans. They had the Hubbarddamned nerve to write that blog post.
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Mom and salmon-colored throw pillow a match made in heaven

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Suburban soccer mom and self-proclaimed interior designer, Tammy Miller, has created a match made in heaven with her recently bought salmon-colored throw pillow. “I swung on over to TJ Maxx the other day while I was waiting for Tyler’s Model UN meeting to get out and that’s when me and that little fringed beauty locked eyes and hearts,” explained Miller as she did some housework with the pillow under her arm.
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Area Man Pretty Sure That Tinder Must Be Broken

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Following months of using an account that hasn’t received a single match—let alone a sweet, sweet nut on the follow up—local pharmaceutical rep Adrian Baronowski is considering the possibility that perhaps the Tinder app he’s been using is broken. “This thing is not being very cooperative,” said Baronowski, who added that he’s experienced problems like this with technology before and the best thing to do is be patient and not let it get to you by thinking it has something to do with your worth as a man.
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White Guy with Dreadlocks has an Opinion

AUSTIN—Last Wednesday, Dan Spina, a white guy with dreadlocks, announced to classmates in his ‘Race in the Media’ class that he had an opinion. “But why isn’t it ‘All Lives Matter’? We’re all important. Race is just a concept,” said Spina, who has reportedly been growing his blond locs since his high school days in suburban Dallas. “Cultural appropriation? Doesn’t exist. We’re all part of the human race.” As of press time, Spina was discussing plans for a tattoo featuring a sankofa symbol superimposed on Bob Marley’s face.
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Serious drama unfolding in old FIG GroupMe

A GroupMe dedicated to the First-Year Interest Group “Economics and You” became active for the first time since 2013 this Thursday, when former group member Jordan Rafferty posted “All lives matter” for no apparent reason. The manifesto that followed covered topics ranging from the recent presidential election to the FIG mentor’s planned activities. “U never really cared about us Ashley,” complained Rafferty.
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Area vulva tired of being mislabeled as area vagina

PHILADELPHIA—Sarah Anderson's vulva expressed her frustration at being mislabeled as a vagina this morning after disappointing sex. "I don't understand what's so hard about distinguishing me—who clearly has folds of skin—from a fucking muscular canal," said Anderson's vulva, as Anderson freshened up from the night before. "Look, I get it, everybody thinks it all looks the same down there. But in reality, I look entirely different and perform entirely different functions than Sarah’s vagina.
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Old man sitting on park bench throwing dead birds

BROOKLINE, MA—As is his custom, Old Man Jenkins was seen at the park hurling dead birds into the sky last Sunday. "Oh, hello. I hope you don’t mind me here," Jenkins told reporters, sporting his characteristic wide brimmed hat and kindly, knowing smile. "You know, I don't get out much, but when I get the chance I do love to watch my birds." With a wink, heave, and spray of feathers and blood, onlookers smiled as Jenkins hurled avian carcasses across the pristine landscape of the Eastwoods Neighborhood park.
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Local bad boy totally ignores wet paint sign

AUSTIN — Sources say that local rebel Johnny ‘don’t even look at me’ Colombo completely disregarded a wet paint sign this week, which was warning him not to touch the recently painted community mural. “That’s right I did it. And I don’t regret nothing. That mural was a representation of the government trying to enforce their bureaucratic bullshit on me and my homies,” said Colombo as he purposefully smoked a cigarette too close to a hospital entrance. “Do they not realize who they’re working with?
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Iron Chef America Cancelled After 12 Seasonings

LOS ANGELES — After years of declining ratings, Food Network announced today that the long running and popular cooking competition Iron Chef America will be cancelled after twelve seasonings. “After twelve incredible years, we’ve just run through all of the good spices,” said iconic host Alton Brown, frantically rifling through this expansive spice rack. “Back in the early days we were doing the classics: basil, oregano, thyme. What are we supposed to do now? All-spice? Who’s gonna tune in for that?
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