Briefs

Briefs

Area woman remembers Jessica Simpson

LOCKHART, TX—In the midst of folding her son’s briefs, area woman Isabelle Carter began to reminisce upon the glitzy and tumultuous legacy of Jessica Simpson. “I was minding my own business, folding my youngest one’s tightie whities, when I suddenly remembered that Jessica Simpson exists,” said Carter as she scoured an In Touch magazine for a glimpse of the fallen star’s current lifestyle. “I was, like, immediately hit with all of these images of her glistening, golden, wavy hair and innocent Southern charm.
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Backpack wonders what other parts of body feel like

AUSTIN—A local backpack belonging to college student Sam Rothko has started to wonder what other parts of Rothko’s body feel like, specifically his front. “I wasn’t aware that my backpack was front-curious until very recently,” said Rothko as he packed up for class. “I’m very happy in my relationship with my backpack, and I don’t necessarily want to change anything. That being said, it’s okay if I need to wear it on my front every once in a while for us to stay together.” Rothko was last seen reading an article on the history of fanny packs.
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Area puppy gets into the biscuits

PORT NECHES, TX—Last Tuesday morning, while owner Mildred Bolyard was unpinning her rollers in the bathroom, area puppy “Snacks” got into the biscuits. “Frankly I’m shocked,” said Mildred, as Snacks managed to rip through a trash bag and lick at a sizable portion of last night’s shrimp étouffée. “My Snacks is a good puppy. He’d never do something like this intentionally. He must’ve thought the biscuits were his dog food. It’s easy to mix up, you know, dog food and biscuits.” As of press time, Mildred was heard telling her neighbors that Snacks must’ve thought her son’s face was a squeaky toy.
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UT Senior has been referring to “co-ops” as “coops” this whole time

AUSTIN—Sources reported that, as of this Tuesday, UT senior and ornithology major Bart Bartleson had been referring to all student-housing cooperatives as “coops” rather than “co-ops” even after living in one for three years. “I’ve lived over at the coop on 29th and a half since I was a sophomore,” reported Bartleson, who still managed to mispronounce the name. “I’ve never really understood why they’re called coops though. I mean, we’ve been raising some chickens out back for a couple years, and there’s certainly a pecking order around here when it comes to chores.
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Baby forgot to brush teeth again

PASADENA—Reports have confirmed today that local infant and idiot Jonas Garcia has once again forgotten to brush his teeth, as if he were some sort of pirate nomad straight out of the Paleolithic Age. “We have tried for months to instill in him the Garcia family values, but little Jonas just keeps on defying us,” bawled a tearful Ursula Garcia in between consistent efforts to keep her son from doing something stupid like putting his finger in an electrical socket. “I just hope he grows up soon so that I can stop having to watch this absolute train wreck every damn day.
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Local garbage disposal most reliable member of household

SAN ANTONIO—Once thought of as a mere household appliance, the garbage disposal has officially become the most reliable member of the Juarez household. “You know, ever since Bill left, the InSinkErator’s been an invaluable source of emotional support,” said Linda Juarez as she shoved her wedding photos down the sink. “It’s hard being a newly single mother. Now I’ve got to pick up the kids, go to their parent-teacher conferences, write the psychoanalysts’ checks, interpret the fortune teller’s tea leaves, and fire the dog fecalist all by myself.
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Area man says “beep” anytime he presses kitchen appliance button

DALLAS—Patrick Wellington has recently gained local infamy for what is being called “the dumbest social experiment of all time” after spending three years of saying “beep” whenever he presses any kitchen appliance button. “I've received plenty of backlash, but every great artist has stirred controversy—that’s what keeps me going,” said Wellington, who has been a freelance artist since he was fired from his job at Chick-Fil-A for customer disturbance.
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Study: “I Like Dogs” not a personality

AUSTIN—A study recently published in UT’s undergraduate research journal concluded that a personality based solely in the enjoyment of dogs is actually indicative of no personality at all. “Saying phrases such as ‘We literally did nothing to deserve dogs’ out loud in social settings does nothing to develop a meaningful dialogue with others,” said Jessica Taweel, a specialist in interpersonal communication who worked on the project for months.
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Area man has no idea what to do for second topping

BOSTON—Confronted with the option of adding another topping free of charge to his lemon sorbet with cherries, Josh Wiggers found himself unable to think of another condiment. “Oh wow, really?” said Wiggers, buying himself time as he frantically scanned the tubs of fruits and nearly identical chocolates, reeling in the wake of this newly imposed responsibility. “I guess I’m not allowed to sample a heath bar,” laughed Wiggers nervously as he mumbled something about how this order had been in his family for generations.
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West Campus actually East Campus if you go far enough

AUSTIN—Becoming the first person to successfully circumnavigate the Forty Acres, local explorer Weston Dentist discovered West Campus is actually East Campus if you just go far enough. “The proof is undeniable,” the intrepid adventurer announced as he stumbled through the intersection of San Antonio and 24th. “Usually I turn right to get to Big Bite but this time, I went left then kept walking for 4,000 miles. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of that Phat Longhorn.” Dentist was last seen staring blankly into the boarded up windows of the now defunct Big Bite.
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