Briefs

Briefs

Conventional Oven seeks unconventional lover

White male hand pressing settings on an oven
MILWAUKEE—Disillusioned by the tedium of white-picket-fence America, conventional oven May Tag is seeking a fresh, unconventional lover. “They ask me what I’m looking for. Heck if I know, I’ve spent the past twelve years cooking up store-brand frozen pizzas for the same nuclear family. I think I should be the one asking you,” said Tag, her resentment for the coldness of her stainless steel environment almost palpable.
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Pope Francis still stumbling upon Benedict’s old hats

The Pope looking frustrating at a pile of embellished bishop hats in front of a doorway
VATICAN CITY—This past weekend, Pope Francis was reportedly still stumbling upon Benedict’s old hats. “I was rummaging around in this recently excavated tomb they found below the Vatican,” said Pope Francis, adding another digit to his Excel spreadsheet marked, ‘BENEDICT’S LEFTOVERS.’ “And there were at least three mitres next to a rotting carcass of Pope Gregory V.
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Local dog wears hat, looks great

Small dog wearing a top hat
PORTLAND—A local Pembroke Welsh Corgi was spotted wearing a miniature top hat upon his head while walking to an unknown destination. “He looked absolutely fabulous—I’ve never seen anything so dashing in all my life. I took one look and thought, ‘Now that dog is going places!’” said area florist Marsha Wheatley, one of many townspeople reportedly mesmerized by the pup’s snappy look. “I’ve got to find out where he got that hat... I hope they have it in my size.” The dog was last seen trotting through the park with a matching monocle on his snout.
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Spanish conquistador hiding indifference toward gold

Close up of shiny gold coins coming out of bag
TENOCHTITLAN—Spanish conquistador, Fernando Fernando, has been hiding his indifference toward gold from his bloodthirsty companions. “I always wanted to be a doctor but my dad was a conquistador and his dad was a conquistador so I kind of just got pulled into it,” whispered Fernando to a local Aztec during a routine massacre. “I don’t hate gold, but I really prefer silver. Do you guys have any silver? I know I’m holding a saber to your neck but help me out here.” As of press time, Fernando was last seen sneaking off to avoid a conversation about the importance of gold.
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Albino squirrel suffers meltdown under pressure of stardom

AUSTIN—Sources confirm that the University of Texas’ albino squirrel has suffered an intense mental breakdown after buckling under weight of campus stardom, falling into a dangerous spiral of heavy narcotics and alcohol to cope with the pressure that has seemingly broken his tiny will. “He still can’t even admit that he has a problem. That’s the worst part,” said junior Michael Pearson, who added that the UT community has banded together around their fallen hero. “Rehab is next for the little guy. I just hope he gets out soon though.
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God Puts Cleveland in Its Place Again

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN—Following Game 7 of the 2016 World Series, The Lord God Almighty has announced that he has finally put the city of Cleveland, Ohio back in its rightful place. “I told those assholes not to get their hopes up,” explained The Author and Finisher of Our Faith, pausing to smite some lowly orphan with cancer. “Fifty years without a championship, and then I let the Cavs win just to get their hopes up, all so I can humiliate them the same way I did Golden State.” At press time, God was considering relocating every Cleveland professional sports team just to fuck them a little more.
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Roommate courageously admits to clogging the toilet

AUSTIN— Twenty-year-old Alice Fisher did the unthinkable this Tuesday when she approached her roommate and revealed that she was responsible for clogging their shared bathroom toilet. “Since moving into a joint apartment, I couldn’t go a night without having petrifying nightmares about obstructing the toilet. They would always end with my roommate standing in the doorway and turning slowly, pointing an accusatory finger at me. I would always wake up screaming,” said Fisher in an effort to explain why it took so long for her to admit wrongdoing. “At first, I was really scared.
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Local man finally sad enough to drink Busch Lite

EL PASO, TX—After an extended period of reflection on his life, career, and personal appearance, local man Aaron Beckner has reportedly decided that he is finally sad enough to crack open a case of Busch Lite. “Back in the good ol’ days, it was always Natty or Bud—Miller Lite, if I was celebratin’,” explained Beckner, nailing an “Out of Business” sign onto the door of his now-defunct bait shop. “After Leanne left, I moved down to Rolling Rock and then on to Keystone.
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Area masochist disappointed election season over

AUSTIN—After closing his MSNBC tab and frantically searching through TMZ and Daily Mail websites for any form of controversy, area masochist Hector Ramirez lamented that the tumultuous election cycle is, at last, over. “I really got off on forcing myself to watch the debate on repeat, paying close attention to Twitter and Facebook commentary from people I went to high school with,” said Ramirez, who has been known to watch post-debate Tomi Lahren videos in their entirety.
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