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Serious drama unfolding in old FIG GroupMe

A GroupMe dedicated to the First-Year Interest Group “Economics and You” became active for the first time since 2013 this Thursday, when former group member Jordan Rafferty posted “All lives matter” for no apparent reason. The manifesto that followed covered topics ranging from the recent presidential election to the FIG mentor’s planned activities. “U never really cared about us Ashley,” complained Rafferty.
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Area vulva tired of being mislabeled as area vagina

PHILADELPHIA—Sarah Anderson's vulva expressed her frustration at being mislabeled as a vagina this morning after disappointing sex. "I don't understand what's so hard about distinguishing me—who clearly has folds of skin—from a fucking muscular canal," said Anderson's vulva, as Anderson freshened up from the night before. "Look, I get it, everybody thinks it all looks the same down there. But in reality, I look entirely different and perform entirely different functions than Sarah’s vagina.
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Old man sitting on park bench throwing dead birds

BROOKLINE, MA—As is his custom, Old Man Jenkins was seen at the park hurling dead birds into the sky last Sunday. "Oh, hello. I hope you don’t mind me here," Jenkins told reporters, sporting his characteristic wide brimmed hat and kindly, knowing smile. "You know, I don't get out much, but when I get the chance I do love to watch my birds." With a wink, heave, and spray of feathers and blood, onlookers smiled as Jenkins hurled avian carcasses across the pristine landscape of the Eastwoods Neighborhood park.
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Local bad boy totally ignores wet paint sign

AUSTIN — Sources say that local rebel Johnny ‘don’t even look at me’ Colombo completely disregarded a wet paint sign this week, which was warning him not to touch the recently painted community mural. “That’s right I did it. And I don’t regret nothing. That mural was a representation of the government trying to enforce their bureaucratic bullshit on me and my homies,” said Colombo as he purposefully smoked a cigarette too close to a hospital entrance. “Do they not realize who they’re working with?
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Iron Chef America Cancelled After 12 Seasonings

LOS ANGELES — After years of declining ratings, Food Network announced today that the long running and popular cooking competition Iron Chef America will be cancelled after twelve seasonings. “After twelve incredible years, we’ve just run through all of the good spices,” said iconic host Alton Brown, frantically rifling through this expansive spice rack. “Back in the early days we were doing the classics: basil, oregano, thyme. What are we supposed to do now? All-spice? Who’s gonna tune in for that?
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Student debt gets tenure

AUSTIN — In a decision that came as no surprise to those who know him intimately and wish they didn’t, Student Debt has finally received tenure from the University of Texas. “He’s meticulous, you know? His style’s a bit slow, but somehow, someway he always manages to come out on top,” said UT President Gregory Fenves, scanning his eyes anxiously back and forth across the auditorium. Reports show that the members of the Board of Trustees were at odds once the recommendation was made, citing Debt’s tendency to take more than he gives.
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Area Necrophiliac Really Digging New Girl

JACKSONVILLE, FL — Hastily zipping up his dirt and embalming fluid soaked jeans, local necromaniac Jeb Peters was reported to have really made a “connection” with a recently deceased exotic dancer. “Once I got all of the maggots out of her nose, I could tell she was just dying to get with me. It wasn’t just rigor mortis making her eyes fall open—those were total bedroom eyes,” Jeb said, noting that he had been searching for love for quite some time, especially behind dumpsters, in coroner’s offices, and even outside of intensive care units.
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Point/Counterpoint: Release your tax returns

Point: release your tax returns it's my right as a taxpayer to know

Frankly, sir, your refusal to show the honest American public your tax returns is downright blasphemous. I pay taxes! I make far less as a Comcast Customer Service Representative than you in your high-and-mighty occupation. If you're going to be in charge, expecting us to believe this claim then I want to know this information. I deserve to know.

Counterpoint: I'm your gynecologist, Jean, nothing will change your HPV diagnosis

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Local man attends party as obscure reference he’ll have to explain all night

OMAHA, NE — Standing near the punch bowl dressed in seemingly 80s attire, local DMV employee Sirius Fan reportedly explained his obscure costume to party guests all night. “I’m Marty McFly, but the Eric Stoltz version, not the Michael J. Fox-McFly”, Fan lectured, popping the collar of his leather jacket and failing to notice that he had lulled the surrounding crowd to sleep. “Not many people can appreciate Stoltz’s original interpretation of Marty McFly, his on-screen chemistry with Christopher Lloyd is unprecedented compared to that Michael J. Fox crap”.
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