Briefs

Briefs

Christmas Cancelled After Santa Confesses to 1997 Murder of Tonya Harding

NORTH POLE—After Christopher Kringle gave a shocking confession that he had, in fact, murdered famed and beloved Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding on that fateful night in 1997, Norwegian sources report that, barring any last-minute heroics from the elves, Christmas will, unfortunately, be cancelled this year. “After years of hiding the truth from everyone, I just could not live with this guilt any longer,” a somber Saint Nick wrote in a statement before being hauled away for what will likely amount to a life sentence.
Tags: 

Area Filmmaker Relocating From Austin to Los Angeles to Lose On Bigger Scale

AUSTIN—After shallow internet research and ill-informed advice from his family, local filmmaker Alex Miller plans to move to Los Angeles to only be met with failure on a much larger scale. “It’ll be a lot easier to find work there, you know?” said Miller, who was unbeknownst to the thousands of similar unemployed film majors who thought the same thing.
Tags: 

Bumblebees On Adderall Fuck Up A Six Flags

SIX FLAGS CITY, TX—Six Flags would like to notify its customers that it will be closed until further notice due to the fact that all rides have been rendered inoperable by a massive swarm of bees with a supply of Adderall. No one knows how the hive gained access to ADD medication, but it has made them supernaturally capable of executing their plans for empire building. The bees began at 10 a.m. on Wednesday by surrounding the kids on the “Spinning Sombrero” ride at the park’s entrance. The riders, most of whom were under 10 years old, surrendered the Sombrero in tears.
Tags: 

Local Man Insists Wearing Camouflage Increases Chances of Catching Fish

GALVESTON, TX—After returning from a long day out at sea with three fine bass fish, local fisherman John Sims once again credited the success to his camouflage attire. “Sure, the fish can’t physically see what I wear, but we’re dealing with highly intelligent animals. They feel my attire, sense it in their delicate bones, and utterly confused, inevitably fall into my trap,” described Sims as he soothed the dead fish with soft coo’s. “When I started fishing in high school, I was ridiculed by friends for wearing clothing inspired by forest undergrowth out on the Galveston Bay.
Tags: 

Sunglasses Do Nothing To Improve Area Woman’s Lack Of Personality

PFLUGERVILLE—Area woman Kirstie Liu stepped out into the bright autumn sun wearing a pair of cat-eye sunglasses that did absolutely nothing to make up for her glaring lack of personality. “I was just skimming the racks of Forever21, looking for something to help me look unique, edgy, one-of-a-kind, ya know,” Liu explained to reporters when asked where she purchased the sunglasses. “I never forget the words of my role model, Kylie Jenner, ‘It’s all about accessories’.
Tags: 

Former members Of Naked Brothers Band Reveal That The Nudity Was Never Their Choice

NEW YORK CITY—In a month filled with dark revelations coming from the entertainment industry, The Naked Brothers Band has become the latest group to speak out, revealing that their trademark nudity was 100% forced upon them by their management. The young boys, repped by CAA, were strictly prohibited from ever wearing clothes, even off stage. “In 2007, we were the hottest shit around. Everyone wanted a piece of our tight little asses,” former drummer Alex Wolff said as he snorted the fattest line of cocaine this reporter has ever seen.
Tags: 

Silent “K” Finally Speaks Up

KNOXVILLE—Silent “K”, commonly known as “useless”, finally knocked together the courage to speak up to his oppressors. “I feel knackered by how often I am used and no one cares. You remember that word ‘knight’? Yeah, he was barely a knickknack before I kneaded him into greatness. Before me, he was just a time of day. That girl ‘know’ never thanked me for giving her the knack for power and intelligence she has today. And still, knothing. Not even a knock on my door. Do you know how many knots I have in my kneck?” Silent “K” sulked and a single tear formed in his eye.
Tags: 

9/11 Denier Really Spicing Up Government Class

AUSTIN—Students from Dr. Rubowitz's Gov. 312L class reported an uptick in attendance after classmate Leon Jefferson started challenging the professor on the truth of the 9/11 terror attacks. "You know, at first I was annoyed because I couldn't fall asleep to the soothing historical documentary tones of Dr. Rubowitz lecturing on dual federalism," said student Joan Massey, whose naps were repeatedly interrupted by Jefferson questioning the 'media narrative'.
Tags: 

Pitbull Enters NASA training program, Hopes To Become Mr. Galaxywide

HOUSTON—Rapper and entertainer Pitbull has officially entered NASA training with the intention of becoming an astronaut, and his graduation has been set tentatively for 2019. “Follow your dreams. Continue to better yourself. Broaden your horizons. Find your calling. Tell your mom you love her,,” said Mr. Bull, after removing his aviators to reveal a smaller pair of aviators. “Call me Mr. Galaxywide, cause I’m going to space, bitches! Dalé!” At press time, Pitbull was seen being fitted for a custom black and tan space suit.
Tags: 

Officer Proud He Gets To Kill People In Neighborhood He Grew Up In

OAKLAND—“What a great day to be a cop,” thought Oakland police officer Anthony Watts after busting approximately six caps in a civilian, who appeared to be robbing a convenience store. Officer Watts has done this before, making this killing of an unarmed civilian his fourth of the year. “I grew up here, and I’m really trying to make it safe. I don’t believe in tasers, because like, they could still get away,” commented Officer Watts after taking a second lick of his rocky road ice cream cone.
Tags: 

Pages

Subscribe to RSS - Briefs