Briefs

Briefs

Area meat boss loses yet another innocent child to the meat machine

CHICAGO—Yet another small child has been lost to the big meat machine, local meat boss announced. “I tell th’ kids not ta straddle th’ contraption but them youngins still git jammed up real good in there,” explained the meat boss, whose powerful thighs famously made him the only Illinois sausage boy ever to unhinge the ancient machine’s enchanted lever. “It must’ve killed ‘bout 17 of thos’ kiddos, so I reckon God can’t send all of ‘em to Hell.” As of press time, one of the meat boss’s “lil meat boys” could be seen straddling the mighty blood-rusted meat machine.
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Area man braces for conversation as roommate goes "huh" again

AUSTIN—Returning to his apartment after a long study session, area student Charles Kitschman was reportedly dismayed to hear his roommate direct an inquisitive “huh” in his direction, apparently with the intent of beginning a conversation. “I heard him, but I was ready to head straight to bed and conk out for the night,” Kitschman shakily told reporters.
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Betsy DeVos Resigns After Tasting First Cafeteria Lunch

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos resigned earlier today after a disastrous visit to SunnySide Elementary, where she was served tater tots and upside down Frito pie for lunch. “Ms. DeVos got really mad because our school doesn’t have crème brûlée,” said SunnySide 4th grader Tim Tompkins, who DeVos repeatedly and inexplicably referred to as “Edmund.” “I tried to share my tater tots with her but I don’t think she knew how to eat them. She kept telling me to chew with my mouth closed and that I should cut my hair.
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Going against the grain made more difficult by powerful grain lobby

BISMARCK, ND—Due to the recent escalation in anti-grain and wheat sentiment, lobbyists working for the Grains Council are in the midst of a sweeping national publicity campaign. “Grains have been the backbone of this country since its birth. Deviating from this tried and true principle is a betrayal to this great nation and its founding fathers,” explained the president of the Grains Council during his speech at a fundraiser, the gift bags from which reportedly contained approximately 25 loose dinner rolls. “I mean, the whole gluten free thing, that stuff just doesn’t taste right.
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8 out of 10 doctors recommend not listening to the other two

HOUSTON—The Texas Medical Center was abuzz with controversy this past weekend when preliminary results of a government survey revealed that 8 out of 10 doctors recommend not listening to the other two. “I trust my colleagues... Most of them, anyways. There’s these two guys in my department—east coast types, you know the kind—they’re just real knuckleheads,” remarked famed urologist Chester Rothbury as he peeked over his shoulder cautiously. “Me and my seven colleagues really don’t trust ‘em. It’s like that in every department though.
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Pen-biting student up to two packs a day

AUSTIN — Mechanical engineering sophomore Spencer Chompsky has admitted that his pen-biting addiction has intensified lately, confirming that he’s up to two packs a day. “People warn you about how addictive it is, but you just think, ‘I’m different,’ you know?” said Chompsky as he put another gnarled pen into his inktray. “If I could tell anything to kids, it would be to never start; don’t even take the first bite.
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Obama uses new free time to volunteer at drone shelter

WASHINGTON—Following his departure from the highest position in American government, Barack Obama has recently declared that he will now dedicate his life’s work to assisting the unfortunate residents of the many drone shelters scattered across the nation’s military bases. “When I found out about the countless homeless drones that fill our cities after returning from combat, I just knew I had to do something,” stated a tearful Obama, stopping momentarily as he fondly reminisced on the time he ordered a drone strike on a suspected terrorist base, only to discover it was just a wedding.
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Area student has only four more sticks of gum, chances to make friends

SYRACUSE, NY—Area student Craig McGee has only four more sticks of gum to employ in the hopes of making friends, sources report. “I’d say fresh spearmint is the best foundation for a lasting friendship. You gotta save that sinful cinnamon for the ladies,” said 19-year-old McGee, who majors in supply-chain management. “It’s really a numbers game. Right now I have zero friends, but at the end of the day I could have enough for a game of Chutes and Ladders.” As of press time, McGee seen scraping gum off of the bottom of desks into a brown paper bag.
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Area man tries to masturbate louder than roommate can have sex

AUSTIN—UT sophomore Will Stevens has made it his mission to masturbate as loudly and violently as possible, in order to drown out the moans from his sexually actively roommate, Garrett. “After figuring out that blasting Chopin from my Bose speakers didn't quite drown out the screams of ecstasy coming from the next room, I realized that beating my meat would do the trick,” said Stevens as he tossed a pile of stiff Goldtoe socks in his laundry pile. “The thing is, I’ve masturbated so much, both my hands AND my member are completely raw.
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Mike Pence celebrates inauguration with first blink of year

WASHINGTON—Upon hearing Donald Trump recite the oath of office to become the 45th President of the United States, Mike Pence, overcome with emotion, relished the moment by blinking for the first time since the end of 2016. "Golly, it's times like these when I just have to close my eyes for a split-second before opening them again for an extended period of time," said Pence as the blood vessels in his sclerae burst and congealed.
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