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Briefs

Senator appreciates angry phone calls that aren’t from his wife

HARTFORD, CT—After a barrage of angry phone calls from his wife concerning his “lack of concern for their marriage,” beleaguered Senator Judd Lichen (D-CT) was appreciative of a furious phone call from one of his constituents instead. “The people of Connecticut actually care about what I have to say. Sure, their businesses might have been foreclosed on, but they listen. Brenda just bitches about how I forgot her birthday, again. She doesn’t see all this work I’m doing for the state,” Lichen told reporters after directing his staff to reroute all his wife’s calls straight to voicemail.
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Liquid in stairwell could literally be anything

AUSTIN—Emanating a variety of fun smells to the rest of the building, insiders report that the puddle of liquid in a local stairwell could be literally anything. “I think that this pool is definitely one of seven thousand things,” said the local liquid expert, moving his beady eyes side to side rapidly while flicking his tongue in the air. “One must understand that we can never be certain that this is one thing or another. Liquids are mobile and fickle in nature. One time it’s apple juice and the next time it’s ammonium. One time it’s water, and the next time it’s vodka.
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Bitter hag refuses to enjoy La La Land

HOUSTON—Despite rave reviews from critics and the enthusiastic feedback of her friends, local harpy Allison O’Conor failed to enjoy the movie La La Land upon seeing it last Saturday. “I thought it was just okay. I don’t get all the hype,” reported the sour-faced shrew as she left the theater, unimpressed. “I liked Crazy Stupid Love better. Now that’s a movie.” The musical, described as “captivating” by the New York Times and “cute” by Allison’s mother, simply could not crack the heart of this callous, withered crone.
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Roommate Into Jazz For The Week

SIOUX FALLS, SD — Tired of all the pretentious music these days and craving something smooth and sophisticated instead, local roommate Robert Gurden told reporters he plans on being into jazz for the week. “As far as I’m concerned, this is just better than the music my friends listen to. This is real music played by real Artists,’” assessed Gurden as he listened to some of his favorite compositions on Spotify’s official ‘Coffee Table Jazz’ playlist. “I’ve been a fan of jazz for the longest time, I really have.
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Tiny Man Stuck in Storm Drain

Tiny man looking mad stuck between storm drain grates
WASHINGTON—During a tense press conference earlier today, police chief Gordy Ramirez confirmed that a tiny man has fallen into in a storm drain and is unable to get out. “We want to get him out of there as fast as possible, but he’s not cooperating. He’s just so scared,” said Ramirez in his address to the media and concerned citizens. “Let’s just hope the man survives the night. We’ve been dropping down baggies of fruit snacks down to him. We’ve been doing everything in our power.” Sources report that the state legislature is racing to allocate more resources to the rescue effort.
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Conventional Oven seeks unconventional lover

White male hand pressing settings on an oven
MILWAUKEE—Disillusioned by the tedium of white-picket-fence America, conventional oven May Tag is seeking a fresh, unconventional lover. “They ask me what I’m looking for. Heck if I know, I’ve spent the past twelve years cooking up store-brand frozen pizzas for the same nuclear family. I think I should be the one asking you,” said Tag, her resentment for the coldness of her stainless steel environment almost palpable.
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Pope Francis still stumbling upon Benedict’s old hats

The Pope looking frustrating at a pile of embellished bishop hats in front of a doorway
VATICAN CITY—This past weekend, Pope Francis was reportedly still stumbling upon Benedict’s old hats. “I was rummaging around in this recently excavated tomb they found below the Vatican,” said Pope Francis, adding another digit to his Excel spreadsheet marked, ‘BENEDICT’S LEFTOVERS.’ “And there were at least three mitres next to a rotting carcass of Pope Gregory V.
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Local dog wears hat, looks great

Small dog wearing a top hat
PORTLAND—A local Pembroke Welsh Corgi was spotted wearing a miniature top hat upon his head while walking to an unknown destination. “He looked absolutely fabulous—I’ve never seen anything so dashing in all my life. I took one look and thought, ‘Now that dog is going places!’” said area florist Marsha Wheatley, one of many townspeople reportedly mesmerized by the pup’s snappy look. “I’ve got to find out where he got that hat... I hope they have it in my size.” The dog was last seen trotting through the park with a matching monocle on his snout.
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Spanish conquistador hiding indifference toward gold

Close up of shiny gold coins coming out of bag
TENOCHTITLAN—Spanish conquistador, Fernando Fernando, has been hiding his indifference toward gold from his bloodthirsty companions. “I always wanted to be a doctor but my dad was a conquistador and his dad was a conquistador so I kind of just got pulled into it,” whispered Fernando to a local Aztec during a routine massacre. “I don’t hate gold, but I really prefer silver. Do you guys have any silver? I know I’m holding a saber to your neck but help me out here.” As of press time, Fernando was last seen sneaking off to avoid a conversation about the importance of gold.
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