Briefs

Briefs

UT Senior has been referring to “co-ops” as “coops” this whole time

AUSTIN—Sources reported that, as of this Tuesday, UT senior and ornithology major Bart Bartleson had been referring to all student-housing cooperatives as “coops” rather than “co-ops” even after living in one for three years. “I’ve lived over at the coop on 29th and a half since I was a sophomore,” reported Bartleson, who still managed to mispronounce the name. “I’ve never really understood why they’re called coops though. I mean, we’ve been raising some chickens out back for a couple years, and there’s certainly a pecking order around here when it comes to chores.
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Baby forgot to brush teeth again

PASADENA—Reports have confirmed today that local infant and idiot Jonas Garcia has once again forgotten to brush his teeth, as if he were some sort of pirate nomad straight out of the Paleolithic Age. “We have tried for months to instill in him the Garcia family values, but little Jonas just keeps on defying us,” bawled a tearful Ursula Garcia in between consistent efforts to keep her son from doing something stupid like putting his finger in an electrical socket. “I just hope he grows up soon so that I can stop having to watch this absolute train wreck every damn day.
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Local garbage disposal most reliable member of household

SAN ANTONIO—Once thought of as a mere household appliance, the garbage disposal has officially become the most reliable member of the Juarez household. “You know, ever since Bill left, the InSinkErator’s been an invaluable source of emotional support,” said Linda Juarez as she shoved her wedding photos down the sink. “It’s hard being a newly single mother. Now I’ve got to pick up the kids, go to their parent-teacher conferences, write the psychoanalysts’ checks, interpret the fortune teller’s tea leaves, and fire the dog fecalist all by myself.
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Area man says “beep” anytime he presses kitchen appliance button

DALLAS—Patrick Wellington has recently gained local infamy for what is being called “the dumbest social experiment of all time” after spending three years of saying “beep” whenever he presses any kitchen appliance button. “I've received plenty of backlash, but every great artist has stirred controversy—that’s what keeps me going,” said Wellington, who has been a freelance artist since he was fired from his job at Chick-Fil-A for customer disturbance.
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Study: “I Like Dogs” not a personality

AUSTIN—A study recently published in UT’s undergraduate research journal concluded that a personality based solely in the enjoyment of dogs is actually indicative of no personality at all. “Saying phrases such as ‘We literally did nothing to deserve dogs’ out loud in social settings does nothing to develop a meaningful dialogue with others,” said Jessica Taweel, a specialist in interpersonal communication who worked on the project for months.
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Area man has no idea what to do for second topping

BOSTON—Confronted with the option of adding another topping free of charge to his lemon sorbet with cherries, Josh Wiggers found himself unable to think of another condiment. “Oh wow, really?” said Wiggers, buying himself time as he frantically scanned the tubs of fruits and nearly identical chocolates, reeling in the wake of this newly imposed responsibility. “I guess I’m not allowed to sample a heath bar,” laughed Wiggers nervously as he mumbled something about how this order had been in his family for generations.
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West Campus actually East Campus if you go far enough

AUSTIN—Becoming the first person to successfully circumnavigate the Forty Acres, local explorer Weston Dentist discovered West Campus is actually East Campus if you just go far enough. “The proof is undeniable,” the intrepid adventurer announced as he stumbled through the intersection of San Antonio and 24th. “Usually I turn right to get to Big Bite but this time, I went left then kept walking for 4,000 miles. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of that Phat Longhorn.” Dentist was last seen staring blankly into the boarded up windows of the now defunct Big Bite.
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Flickering florescent light symbol of worse yet to come

AUSTIN—News sources report that a fluorescent light flickering in a recently abandoned office building can only be a sign of worse yet to come. “The years blink in and out, growing darker and more troublesome as time turns longer and more morose,” said the lot’s resident loiterer Gully Smith as he emerged from a storm drain. “The last time that light flickered, the Czechs assassinated McKinley.” As of press time, the general sadness around the tiny, gray block was seen seeping into the small, gray city.
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Man drinking sake really appreciates Japanese Culture

AUSTIN—In a violent outburst at the local Benihana, self-proclaimed wakizashi master Ethan Johns announced his intense appreciation for Japanese culture after one too many glasses of fermented rice wine. “I'm a modern day renaissance man. The last samurai,” Johns allegedly screamed, brandishing a 70 cm long katana and a copy of Dragonball Z. “You know what I mean? The last samurai—like Tom Cruise, in that movie, The Last Samurai.” Authorities failed to detain Johns after his driver's license was found to be a holo rare Pokemon card featuring the fictional character “Dragonite.”
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Throat singer just wants same respect given mouth singers

TUVALU—After years of feeling underappreciated in the music community, Tuvan throat singer Lkhagvyn Ganbaatar demanded to be treated with the respect traditionally given to mouth singers. “It is fundamentally wrong to discriminate against us throat singers just because we refuse to conform to society’s expectations for vocalists,” droned Ganbaatar through a worn-down pharynx into the crisp Mongolian air. “Just another example of Western imperialist cultural hegemony.
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