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Scottish Rite Dormitory Announced As Setting For 2018 Season Of American Horror Story

AUSTIN — Television visionary Ryan Murphy announced today that UT’s own Scottish Rite Dormitory will serve as the official setting for the 2018 season of American Horror Story. “The minute I stepped foot on the front lawn, I just had this feeling a bunch of creepy white people shit must have gone down here,” stated AHS executive producer Pre Malone. "I really wanted to check out the inside of the dormitory, but I heard if a male walks in by himself, he immediately gets eaten by the evil house mom.
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Heartwarming: These Whales Have Beached Themselves To Raise Awareness For Arthritis

BAR HARBOR, MAINE — In a touching show of empathy, three sperm whales have beached themselves in order to spread the word about rheumatoid arthritis and its impact on American human adults 45 and older. The leader of the group, Whally Watson III, told reporters that “we’ve been working on this issue for years, but we haven’t been gaining traction. We’ve been treading water.
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Toys R Us To Be Renamed Toys Was Us

WAYNE, NJ—Millennials have ruined yet another industry—the childhood industry. With the closing of over 200 stores nationwide, ‘Toys R Us’ is officially renaming themselves ‘Toys Was Us’. “We want to keep a positive outlook during this trying time,” CEO Geoffrey Giraffe stated while packing up his Barbie Dreamhouse. “I’ve tried to hang myself three times. Do you know how hard it is for a giraffe to hang himself? Does the noose go at the base of my neck or under my chin? Who the fuck knows?” When asked to comment on the matter, competing toymaker Santa Claus stated, “Fuck yeah!!
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Man With No Future Decides To Just Live In The Past

FORT WORTH—Decidedly washed up and out of options for the future, Boflap Coursenan finds warmth in reveries of his past. “I remember what a home was like,” Coursenan blurted out as he awoke from his daydreams after the cardboard box upon which he was perched suddenly gave way, forcing him to spill beer over his torn, unwashed shirt as he fell sideways. “My favorite part of the house, more than the A/C and the showers, was the walls. God bless walls.
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NBA Releases New And Improved, Even Taller Shaquille O’Neal

NEW YORK—In a startling press conference last Wednesday, the National Basketball Association announced the release of an updated, new and improved, even taller, Shaquille O'Neal. "For years, we assumed we'd reached peak Shaquille. We respected our limits. And how foolish we were," said an NBA representative, unveiling the new Shaq at the lavish Met Gala. "We tried wider. Stupid. We tried softer. Idiots. The answer was in front of us the whole time." The new Shaquille stands at nearly 20 feet tall, an over 200% increase in total Shaq.
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Student Movie Critic Doesn’t Understand Magnitude Of 5-Star Rating

AUSTIN—Judging by his review of Cars 3, it’s been made clear to readers that Radio-TV-Film student and film critic Alan Vank doesn’t recognize the weight a 5-star rating carries. Spewing such horseshit as, “...the elements of the film depicting Lightning McQueen’s PTSD from his near-fatal crash were haunting, and brings a new perspective on trauma through the eyes of a car,” Vank demonstrated throughout the article a clear lack of understanding of what is important to the quality of a film.
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Drive-through Bar A Pretty Cool Idea If You Don’t Think About It

AUSTIN—Austin’s Nightlife is about to improve with the opening of Van Dodder Drink Tin, a new kind of bar for inebriates on the go. Sgt. Tom Maley has combined the professionalism of taverns with the convenience of drive-through restaurants where entrapment is the name of the game. The only prerequisite? Be cool, man; don’t read too much into it. “I went there once, but I left when my bartender dropped her badge into my michelada,” said one skeptical patron.
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Area Child Pretty Sure This Rock Must Be Worth Something

LITTLE ROCK, AR—After digging for a whole five minutes near a quarry, seven-year-old boy Timothy O’Leary found a rock that he believes is valuable. “This is better than all these other rocks at least.” O’Leary said as he felt the smooth parts and rough parts with equal enthusiasm. “My friend Caleb told me that he traded a rock to his friend Jacob’s uncle for a bee gun.” O’Leary was especially enamored with the translucent quality which he figured would add some big bucks if given to the right bidder.
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Area Goon Ready For Whatever Ya Want, Boss

GOONTOWN—Earlier today, local goon “Tough Guy with Moustache” confirmed that he can handle anything you need takin’ care of, boss. “Gee, Tough Guy sure is more devoted to his job than any thug I’ve seen before,” said Donald Firch, an insurance executive with a serious gambling problem, while being stuffed into a trunk. “I’m not even behind on my payments. The guy’s just taking initiative.” Tough Guy with Moustache has been rising through the ranks of the Vimeo crime family ever since he found a posting for a mafia intern while browsing hirealonghorn.com.
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Christmas Cancelled After Santa Confesses to 1997 Murder of Tonya Harding

NORTH POLE—After Christopher Kringle gave a shocking confession that he had, in fact, murdered famed and beloved Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding on that fateful night in 1997, Norwegian sources report that, barring any last-minute heroics from the elves, Christmas will, unfortunately, be cancelled this year. “After years of hiding the truth from everyone, I just could not live with this guilt any longer,” a somber Saint Nick wrote in a statement before being hauled away for what will likely amount to a life sentence.
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