Briefs

MOUSEKETAWNY — Researchers at the Get The Bastard Company© have developed a less humane version of the classic mousetrap for when you want a mouse to have a slow, miserable death. “We were focused on making more efficient traps that put rodents out of their misery sooner,” said Nikolas Rayman, the head scientist for the company’s Center for Experimental Methods of De-Rodentification. “But then I had a bit of a rat problem myself. After the motherfucker got into my bedroom peanut butter, I realized what our customers really want: pain.

CALABASAS, CA — 12 years after the release of “You're Beautiful,” his smash hit love song dedicated to an unknown woman he stared at on a subway, James Blunt wants you to know he's "‘bout to hit the people with another panty dropper." Reporters found Mr. Blunt in a Calabasas boutique asking an employee if they had a shirt that had both a turtleneck and a deep V. "I like my neck to be smothered and my pecks to breathe," he explained before detailing his new EP. "It's about this thing that happened to me last Tuesday, right?

DEAN KEETON & WHITIS — Running along the crosswalk as the countdown signal ticked down dangerously close to zero, an unidentified student reportedly looked like an incredible dumbass. "His backpack kept banging against his spine, it was hilarious," said reggae studies sophomore Wallace Peck as he coolly and relaxedly meandered across the street despite an already expired countdown signal. "I mean, come on, what an idiot.

HOLLYWOOD — America’s favorite cyborg, Tobey Maguire, received every single male award during the 2018 Oscars, including Best Male Actor, which he was not even in the running for, after every other man in Hollywood was found guilty of sexual misconduct and thrown in a dungeon. “You know, I just want to thank everyone who played a role in getting me these awards. Harvey, thank you for starting the movement to get me my first of many Oscars. I could not have done this without you,” said Maguire through the immense amount of sobbing and body fluid being released.

LANGLEY, VA — Due to the extremely heated public debate surrounding the highly controversial investigation of ██████████████████, the United States Central Intelligence Agency has opted to release all documents that discuss the case to the public. “With a more clear idea of how we ran this operation, we’re hoping the public will understand our decision to ████████████ ███████ ████████████████████████, and why our ████████████ had to ██████████████████ ███████████████,” explained CIA Agent █████████, who headed this case with the help of █████████.

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA — Once again, dominating all competition that the 21st century has to offer, the affable capital of Canadian province Nova Scotia, Halifax, is crowned the ‘Texas Travesty’s Most Romantic City’. Tucked away into what many Haligonians call the true heart of the mainland (the left ear), the passionate, yet tender capital of Nova Scotia offers nothing but the finest romantic qualities to allow its inhabitants to fall in love with ease.

WASHINGTON D.C. – A report released Saturday by White House staff indicates that Barron Trump has again been found scowling in the rafters long past his bedtime. Barron, whose laid-back style has won him the acclaim of numerous Hollywood starlets, is rumored to be the youngest child of sitting U.S. President Donald Trump. “I have not so much as laid eye upon this disordered boy, let alone have I birthed the lad,” claims Donald, shown embracing Barron in the above photograph. “I am beguiled.

AUSTIN — A recent financial report has revealed that Dobie Twenty21’s management is slowly but surely renting more and more of its space to the newly opened Target location, shifting their priorities away from student living. The superstore chain will initially be given access to individual rooms, but if all goes according to financial expectations, the company intends to purchase entire floors en masse. “I’m pretty excited about it,” area student and Target shopper Emily Johnson said while looking over the superstore’s cheap but trendy clothing lines.

DALLAS — Desperate to keep his two sons visiting from college engaged, area dad Mark Wheeler decided to order a bottle of wine for the table during the family outing he guilted them into going to and reportedly got shamefully enthusiastic about it. “I’m just so excited to finally have both my boys home at the same time, and I thought it’d be appropriate to celebrate with a bottle of Olive Garden’s finest Yellow Tail,” Wheeler said as his wife, who plans on leaving him before the new year, rolled her dead eyes in annoyance.

JERUSALEM — Despite several thousand years of meticulous planning and delivering ambiguous messages to prophets, last Thursday Jesus slept through His alarm for his much-anticipated second coming. “It wasn’t until I noticed the screeching of the billions of wicked souls being destroyed that I jumped out of bed and realized what time it was,”explained the Son of God to reporters. “You know, ever since the whole Judas debacle, God’s been saying that I’m not cut out for the job.