Briefs

Briefs

Point/Counterpoint: Let's Shake Things Up

Counterpoint: Let’s Shake Things Up

Comedy is all about experimenting with form, the constant pushing against the established to arrive at new and innovative creations, paving the way for the growth of human understanding. We as comedians and humans are beholden to nothing, and I will not stand to see my beloved Travesty’s creativity stifled by a blind adherence to Custom. By inverting a staple of this time-honored student publication, we can become our own gods, inventing for ourselves a heaven of hell and opening the door to exciting, new possibilities.

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Disappointed Kid Leaves Grandma’s House With No Free Swag, Won’t Attend Next Year

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Attributing it to the lack of free merchandise given out, 10 year old Tanner Bishop found this year’s annual visit to Grandma’s house incredibly lackluster. “As a longtime fan, it’s very sad to see the deterioration of a once beloved and highly anticipated trip,” pouted the empty-handed Bishop in the back of his mother’s 2015 Honda CR-V.

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Area Man Struggling to Hold Back Tears During Moonlight Wikipedia Synopsis

MCALLEN, TX - Trying not to burst into a violent sob, Richard Baker bravely scrolled his way through part one of the Moonlight Wikipedia synopsis. “Of the 10 to 15 water cooler conversations I’m regularly excluded from each week back at the office, at least two of them are always specifically about the Oscar-winning 2016 film Moonlight,” Baker said, his right hand resting on his ergonomic mouse pad that bears a stunning likeness to a pair of female breasts.
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Area boy Projects Crippling Insecurities Onto Dungeons and Dragons Character

Dungeons and Dragons Character
PFLUGERVILLE—Late Saturday night, area boy Miles Johnson met with his Dungeons and Dragons group to once again project his crippling insecurities onto his character, a half-elf named Aelar. “I will inspect the wooden chest that is in front of me, and I will keep any items of value the chest might contain,” Johnson aggressively asserted in Aelar’s voice, over the other players. “Of course, Aelar will not share the spoils of the adventure with his comrades. They’re less like comrades and more like incompetent oafs.
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God not planning to renew subscription on Earth’s free trial run

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – Claiming that it probably isn’t a wise investment for Him, the Lord God Almighty has decided that He will not be renewing His subscription for the planet Earth. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little disappointed that I might not get to see what the truth is behind the Trump and Russia drama, but there have been some other really great moments for me to remember,” said our Heavenly Father, fondly recalling the moment when Chance the Rapper thanked Him at the Grammys. “I just hope I get to see what Beyoncé decides to name the twins.
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UT alum gives back to community, answers statistics polls on facebook

AUSTIN—Clicking away through his feed, UT alum Derek Gilbreth has decided to give back to the community by answering statistics polls on Facebook. "Man, when I was at UT, I was king of the campus, baby. Filling out those polls, it's kind of like reliving that dream," said Gilbreth as he polished his class ring. "It's pretty cool what those kids come up with. I never thought owning a MacBook could affect how often I use the bathroom until now." At press time, Gilbreth was seen getting ready for his shift at Staples.
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Old friend getting a little too serious about catching up sometime

Young Person Texting
During a chance encounter with a past acquaintance from middle school, Stephanie Briggs was highly distressed to observe her former classmate grow more and more committed to Briggs’ offhanded suggestion to grab brunch sometime. “I was pretending I hadn’t seen her,” explained Briggs, who had reportedly been “minding her business” in the towel aisle of Target when she felt a tap on her shoulder. “Being forced to interact with her once was bad enough—there’s no way in hell I could make it through an entire meal.” At press time, Briggs was reportedly spotted applying for Canadian citizenship.
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Five-leaf clover could mean anything

ASHEVILLE, NC — Early last week, local hibachi chef Gates McClinchie found a five-leaf clover in his backyard that could literally mean anything. “I’m not sure if this means I’m going to be extra lucky now or what. Like, a four-leaf clover is a good thing. But five leaves?” reported McClinchie after hours of looking through the local library’s botany section. “I just don’t know what to do with this thing. It seems lucky, but what if five leaves is bad luck? What if it had just two leaves?
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Report: 87% of American Food Waste Caused by Crumbs From Nature Valley Bars

EVANSTON, IL—After years of painstaking study, researchers from Northwestern University announced Tuesday that a great majority of American food waste comes as a result of the little crumbs that inevitably fall from every Nature Valley bar. "We thought that the thousands of meals thrown away by restaurants and grocery stores would be the biggest contributor, but they pale in comparison to those pesky little morsels,” said food expert Dr. Rick Moran, who documented the mountains of crumbs overcrowding America’s landfills.
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Puppy mill no longer producing puppy flour

PLANO—Amidst growing outrage by community leaders, a puppy mill has closed its doors to further production of puppy flour. "Enough is enough," said mayor Truck Griddle in a press conference last month. "As much as the Plano economy depends on the sale of gluten-free puppy flour, we can no longer condone its manufacture in the Dallas-Fort Worth area." The controversial decision was met with protests and counter-protests by puppy bakers and enthusiasts alike.
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