Briefs

BELIZE—Following a three month dry spell from deporting undocumented workers and their families, former President Barack Obama has reportedly begun to experience symptoms of withdrawal. “It’s just so hard to give it up cold turkey, you know? I’ve had such a fun time traumatizing Hispanic children across the country,” said Obama as he stared blankly at the rehabilitation facility brochures spread in front of him.

SAN ANTONIO—Feeling uninhibited enough to tell his gravest secret, inebriated party-goer, Leslie Schubert, reportedly just wants you to know. “Listen, I was in the war, the one in Afghanistan, I don’t know if it’s been named yet,” whispered Schubert loudly, spewing words and foam all over his unwilling confidante. “Probably called the Afghanistan War. There were a lot of innocent people there, good dudes.

CARTHAGE, TX—By sending late-night happy birthday wishes to a former student, retired gym instructor Alan Tuber confirmed every dark suspicion held by then-students of Carthage Elementary. “In retrospect it seems so obvious,” stated Julia Kanreki after reading all seven of Tuber’s identical messages requesting her ‘new age’ and complimenting her eighth-grade composite photos.

NEW YORK—Earlier this week, Melania Trump was caught rappelling down the side of Trump Tower by Secret Service agents in yet another foiled escape attempt. “Last week we found her crawling through the vents. The week before that she tried to sneak out dressed as the cleaning lady. It almost worked that time but we heard Consuela whimpering in the coat closet just before Mrs. Trump made it to the lobby,” said a member of the Secret Service as he removed the hinges from the First Lady’s bedroom door. “It was a close call this time—she was just inches from the ground when we found her.

HOUSTON—Slowly swiveling in his office chair, 45-year-old Jeremy Halloway explained to reporters that the cute baby boy featured in frames all around his cubicle is indeed Halloway himself, and not some miserable offspring. "Thank you," said Halloway in response to a coworker who complimented the adorable baby with chubby cheeks. "Actually, those pictures are of me. Yes, I have an infant son, but he is ugly, just like my father.

MIDLAND, TX—Showing great confusion and disappointment, local father of two Billy Preston complained about his daughter’s newfound confidence. “She’s got this strange thing happening and I don’t like it. Suddenly she’s walking around not caring what others think of her, talking about the male gaze and how we need to close the wage gap,” said Preston as he threw away the last of his daughter’s Beyoncé CD’s. “I just don’t know where it comes from because I sure as hell didn’t teach her it was okay.

NEW YORK—Veronica Palmer, the most beautiful girl in the room 90% of the time, caught her colleagues off guard when her sneeze proved both loud and obnoxious. “To be honest, I didn't realize she had sneezed. It sounded more like a fart or you know, something not beautiful,” said John Baker, who surfs reddit in the cubicle next to Palmer. “She's really been playing us.

LOCKHART, TX—In the midst of folding her son’s briefs, area woman Isabelle Carter began to reminisce upon the glitzy and tumultuous legacy of Jessica Simpson. “I was minding my own business, folding my youngest one’s tightie whities, when I suddenly remembered that Jessica Simpson exists,” said Carter as she scoured an In Touch magazine for a glimpse of the fallen star’s current lifestyle. “I was, like, immediately hit with all of these images of her glistening, golden, wavy hair and innocent Southern charm.

AUSTIN—A local backpack belonging to college student Sam Rothko has started to wonder what other parts of Rothko’s body feel like, specifically his front. “I wasn’t aware that my backpack was front-curious until very recently,” said Rothko as he packed up for class. “I’m very happy in my relationship with my backpack, and I don’t necessarily want to change anything. That being said, it’s okay if I need to wear it on my front every once in a while for us to stay together.” Rothko was last seen reading an article on the history of fanny packs.

PORT NECHES, TX—Last Tuesday morning, while owner Mildred Bolyard was unpinning her rollers in the bathroom, area puppy “Snacks” got into the biscuits. “Frankly I’m shocked,” said Mildred, as Snacks managed to rip through a trash bag and lick at a sizable portion of last night’s shrimp étouffée. “My Snacks is a good puppy. He’d never do something like this intentionally. He must’ve thought the biscuits were his dog food. It’s easy to mix up, you know, dog food and biscuits.” As of press time, Mildred was heard telling her neighbors that Snacks must’ve thought her son’s face was a squeaky toy.