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Briefs

Make-A-Wish Foundation unsure how to handle dying girl’s last wish for the dissolution of Make-A-Wish Foundation

PHOENIX — Pacing back and forth with two fingers pressed against his left temple, Make-A-Wish Foundation CEO David Williams weighed the pros and cons of fulfilling a dying girl’s last wish for the dissolution of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. “This is a tricky one,” said Williams, referring to how tricky this one is. “The pros are keeping our reputation strong and helping this girl die happier than she’s ever been in her entire life. That’s beautiful, and delightful, and our mission statement.

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Leaked script for season three of The Crown reveals Nixon will resign from the US Presidency

UNITED KINGDOM — According to a leaked script of a single episode from season three of Netflix’s critically acclaimed series The Crown, the series is set to present the election and subsequent disgrace of a new character: Richard Nixon. The hit show focuses on the highly complex life of main character Queen Elizabeth II, monarch of the show’s fictional nation of Great Britain. This inadvertent look into the upcoming season revealed some major spoilers, the most shocking of which being that US President Richard Nixon will step down from the presidency following a major scandal.
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Sexual abusers get record low five Academy Award nominations

LOS ANGELES — Sexual abusers around Hollywood woke up to dismay Monday after learning that they had received a record low five Academy Award nominations, following the progress made by the #MeToo movement. “It’s been a tough year for us, but we’ll bounce back once someone decides to give Woody Allen a lifetime achievement award,” said Louis C.K. apologist with a really edgy screenplay in the works, Carl Wheezer.
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Steve Harvey hospitalized after all 100 Family Feud survey participants answer "Boner City, U.S.A."

HOLLYWOOD — Broderick Stephen Harvey, host of HDTV's The Family Feud, was taken into critical care Friday after realizing that 100 good American people gave the same answer, “Boner City, U.S.A.,” to a Family Feud survey. While recording a new episode of the hit game show, Harvey asked "if our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were to suck on any city, which city would he suck on?" Upon hearing Amy Balschvitz, the youngest child in the Balschvitz family, answer "Boner City, U.S.A.," the host collapsed on the stage floor and clutched his chest.
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Groundhog Day sequel actually just original Groundhog Day again

HOLLYWOOD — In an attempt to make what could be “the most faithful sequel of all time,” Columbia Pictures announced that they have officially greenlit a sequel to the 1993 film Groundhog Day. Starring the earlier movie’s Bill Murray, the recently unveiled Groundhog Day II is in fact just the original Groundhog Day from start to finish, with no new scenes or alterations whatsoever. While the announcement was met with confusion at first, critics and the public alike have come to marvel at the decision since the announcement.
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Area Detective Grills The Hamburglar

MCDONALD LAND — After four long decades of trying to apprehend the notorious criminal, Detective Little Mac spent upwards of four hours grilling the Hamburglar about the string of hamburglaries. “Things were really heating up in that interrogation room, but we finally got the sauce on him,” said Little Mac as he licked ketchup off his greasy fingers. Despite constant denial from the Hamburglar, police were able to make an arrest based on his name alone. “He was our only suspect, considering the titular nature of the crimes committed,” Little Mac told reporters.
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Area Man Wasn’t Trying To Wear Ugly Christmas Sweater

AUSTIN — Area man Derrick Nichols has been sickened by the comments he’s received on campus today regarding his grandmother’s hand knit sweater. This tragic misinterpretation was brought to his attention at 5:00 p.m., when he heard his friend categorize his cherished sweater as an “ugly Christmas sweater.” “My grandmother knitted each reindeer into the sweater, and look at the hooves, they’re just so cute!” said Nichols when showing off his grandmother’s unholy Christmas creation.
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Schoolyard Bullies Expand Profit Margins, Take Teachers' Lunch Money Now

AUSTIN — Over the last several months, local ne'er-do-well Rainn Stains has been developing an innovative strategy that will bring his revenue to its highest peak in the six years he has been at Juanson Middle School. An eighth-grade student and first-rate antagonist, Stains has identified an interesting trend; as most of his classmates transition to Apple Pay and Venmo, they carry physical monies less frequently.
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Christmas Back On After Prison Riot Results In 200 Dead And Santa Escaping

OSLO, NORWAY — Celebrators of our Christ’s birth, rejoice! For our nation’s holiday festivities and practices shall no longer be in vain this year after a massive riot at the Halden maximum-security prison in Østfold, Norway resulted in one Santa Claus regaining his much desired freedom at the mere expense of over sixteen dozen immortal souls being cast into the netherworlds.
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