Briefs

Briefs

Area Detective Grills The Hamburglar

MCDONALD LAND — After four long decades of trying to apprehend the notorious criminal, Detective Little Mac spent upwards of four hours grilling the Hamburglar about the string of hamburglaries. “Things were really heating up in that interrogation room, but we finally got the sauce on him,” said Little Mac as he licked ketchup off his greasy fingers. Despite constant denial from the Hamburglar, police were able to make an arrest based on his name alone. “He was our only suspect, considering the titular nature of the crimes committed,” Little Mac told reporters.
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Area Man Wasn’t Trying To Wear Ugly Christmas Sweater

AUSTIN — Area man Derrick Nichols has been sickened by the comments he’s received on campus today regarding his grandmother’s hand knit sweater. This tragic misinterpretation was brought to his attention at 5:00 p.m., when he heard his friend categorize his cherished sweater as an “ugly Christmas sweater.” “My grandmother knitted each reindeer into the sweater, and look at the hooves, they’re just so cute!” said Nichols when showing off his grandmother’s unholy Christmas creation.
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Schoolyard Bullies Expand Profit Margins, Take Teachers' Lunch Money Now

AUSTIN — Over the last several months, local ne'er-do-well Rainn Stains has been developing an innovative strategy that will bring his revenue to its highest peak in the six years he has been at Juanson Middle School. An eighth-grade student and first-rate antagonist, Stains has identified an interesting trend; as most of his classmates transition to Apple Pay and Venmo, they carry physical monies less frequently.
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Christmas Back On After Prison Riot Results In 200 Dead And Santa Escaping

OSLO, NORWAY — Celebrators of our Christ’s birth, rejoice! For our nation’s holiday festivities and practices shall no longer be in vain this year after a massive riot at the Halden maximum-security prison in Østfold, Norway resulted in one Santa Claus regaining his much desired freedom at the mere expense of over sixteen dozen immortal souls being cast into the netherworlds.
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Scientists Invent Less Humane Mousetrap For When It Gets Personal

MOUSEKETAWNY — Researchers at the Get The Bastard Company© have developed a less humane version of the classic mousetrap for when you want a mouse to have a slow, miserable death. “We were focused on making more efficient traps that put rodents out of their misery sooner,” said Nikolas Rayman, the head scientist for the company’s Center for Experimental Methods of De-Rodentification. “But then I had a bit of a rat problem myself. After the motherfucker got into my bedroom peanut butter, I realized what our customers really want: pain.
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James Blunt, Struggling To Reclaim Relevance, Writes Song About A Shawty He Met Once On A Drunk UberPool Ride

CALABASAS, CA — 12 years after the release of “You're Beautiful,” his smash hit love song dedicated to an unknown woman he stared at on a subway, James Blunt wants you to know he's "‘bout to hit the people with another panty dropper." Reporters found Mr. Blunt in a Calabasas boutique asking an employee if they had a shirt that had both a turtleneck and a deep V. "I like my neck to be smothered and my pecks to breathe," he explained before detailing his new EP. "It's about this thing that happened to me last Tuesday, right?
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Guy Running Across Crosswalk Looks Like A Dumbass

DEAN KEETON & WHITIS — Running along the crosswalk as the countdown signal ticked down dangerously close to zero, an unidentified student reportedly looked like an incredible dumbass. "His backpack kept banging against his spine, it was hilarious," said reggae studies sophomore Wallace Peck as he coolly and relaxedly meandered across the street despite an already expired countdown signal. "I mean, come on, what an idiot.
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Tobey Maguire Sweeps The 2018 Oscars After Every Other Male Actor In Hollywood Was Found Guilty Of Sexual Misconduct

HOLLYWOOD — America’s favorite cyborg, Tobey Maguire, received every single male award during the 2018 Oscars, including Best Male Actor, which he was not even in the running for, after every other man in Hollywood was found guilty of sexual misconduct and thrown in a dungeon. “You know, I just want to thank everyone who played a role in getting me these awards. Harvey, thank you for starting the movement to get me my first of many Oscars. I could not have done this without you,” said Maguire through the immense amount of sobbing and body fluid being released.
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Newly Released CIA documents Show How [redacted]

LANGLEY, VA — Due to the extremely heated public debate surrounding the highly controversial investigation of ██████████████████, the United States Central Intelligence Agency has opted to release all documents that discuss the case to the public. “With a more clear idea of how we ran this operation, we’re hoping the public will understand our decision to ████████████ ███████ ████████████████████████, and why our ████████████ had to ██████████████████ ███████████████,” explained CIA Agent █████████, who headed this case with the help of █████████.
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