Briefs

Briefs

Baby pictures in man's office cubicle just of himself

HOUSTON—Slowly swiveling in his office chair, 45-year-old Jeremy Halloway explained to reporters that the cute baby boy featured in frames all around his cubicle is indeed Halloway himself, and not some miserable offspring. "Thank you," said Halloway in response to a coworker who complimented the adorable baby with chubby cheeks. "Actually, those pictures are of me. Yes, I have an infant son, but he is ugly, just like my father.
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Father hoping daughter’s confidence “just a phase”

MIDLAND, TX—Showing great confusion and disappointment, local father of two Billy Preston complained about his daughter’s newfound confidence. “She’s got this strange thing happening and I don’t like it. Suddenly she’s walking around not caring what others think of her, talking about the male gaze and how we need to close the wage gap,” said Preston as he threw away the last of his daughter’s Beyoncé CD’s. “I just don’t know where it comes from because I sure as hell didn’t teach her it was okay.
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Beautiful woman's sneeze not so beautiful

NEW YORK—Veronica Palmer, the most beautiful girl in the room 90% of the time, caught her colleagues off guard when her sneeze proved both loud and obnoxious. “To be honest, I didn't realize she had sneezed. It sounded more like a fart or you know, something not beautiful,” said John Baker, who surfs reddit in the cubicle next to Palmer. “She's really been playing us.
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Area woman remembers Jessica Simpson

LOCKHART, TX—In the midst of folding her son’s briefs, area woman Isabelle Carter began to reminisce upon the glitzy and tumultuous legacy of Jessica Simpson. “I was minding my own business, folding my youngest one’s tightie whities, when I suddenly remembered that Jessica Simpson exists,” said Carter as she scoured an In Touch magazine for a glimpse of the fallen star’s current lifestyle. “I was, like, immediately hit with all of these images of her glistening, golden, wavy hair and innocent Southern charm.
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Backpack wonders what other parts of body feel like

AUSTIN—A local backpack belonging to college student Sam Rothko has started to wonder what other parts of Rothko’s body feel like, specifically his front. “I wasn’t aware that my backpack was front-curious until very recently,” said Rothko as he packed up for class. “I’m very happy in my relationship with my backpack, and I don’t necessarily want to change anything. That being said, it’s okay if I need to wear it on my front every once in a while for us to stay together.” Rothko was last seen reading an article on the history of fanny packs.
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Area puppy gets into the biscuits

PORT NECHES, TX—Last Tuesday morning, while owner Mildred Bolyard was unpinning her rollers in the bathroom, area puppy “Snacks” got into the biscuits. “Frankly I’m shocked,” said Mildred, as Snacks managed to rip through a trash bag and lick at a sizable portion of last night’s shrimp étouffée. “My Snacks is a good puppy. He’d never do something like this intentionally. He must’ve thought the biscuits were his dog food. It’s easy to mix up, you know, dog food and biscuits.” As of press time, Mildred was heard telling her neighbors that Snacks must’ve thought her son’s face was a squeaky toy.
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UT Senior has been referring to “co-ops” as “coops” this whole time

AUSTIN—Sources reported that, as of this Tuesday, UT senior and ornithology major Bart Bartleson had been referring to all student-housing cooperatives as “coops” rather than “co-ops” even after living in one for three years. “I’ve lived over at the coop on 29th and a half since I was a sophomore,” reported Bartleson, who still managed to mispronounce the name. “I’ve never really understood why they’re called coops though. I mean, we’ve been raising some chickens out back for a couple years, and there’s certainly a pecking order around here when it comes to chores.
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Baby forgot to brush teeth again

PASADENA—Reports have confirmed today that local infant and idiot Jonas Garcia has once again forgotten to brush his teeth, as if he were some sort of pirate nomad straight out of the Paleolithic Age. “We have tried for months to instill in him the Garcia family values, but little Jonas just keeps on defying us,” bawled a tearful Ursula Garcia in between consistent efforts to keep her son from doing something stupid like putting his finger in an electrical socket. “I just hope he grows up soon so that I can stop having to watch this absolute train wreck every damn day.
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Local garbage disposal most reliable member of household

SAN ANTONIO—Once thought of as a mere household appliance, the garbage disposal has officially become the most reliable member of the Juarez household. “You know, ever since Bill left, the InSinkErator’s been an invaluable source of emotional support,” said Linda Juarez as she shoved her wedding photos down the sink. “It’s hard being a newly single mother. Now I’ve got to pick up the kids, go to their parent-teacher conferences, write the psychoanalysts’ checks, interpret the fortune teller’s tea leaves, and fire the dog fecalist all by myself.
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Area man says “beep” anytime he presses kitchen appliance button

DALLAS—Patrick Wellington has recently gained local infamy for what is being called “the dumbest social experiment of all time” after spending three years of saying “beep” whenever he presses any kitchen appliance button. “I've received plenty of backlash, but every great artist has stirred controversy—that’s what keeps me going,” said Wellington, who has been a freelance artist since he was fired from his job at Chick-Fil-A for customer disturbance.
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