Briefs

Briefs

God not planning to renew subscription on Earth’s free trial run

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – Claiming that it probably isn’t a wise investment for Him, the Lord God Almighty has decided that He will not be renewing His subscription for the planet Earth. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little disappointed that I might not get to see what the truth is behind the Trump and Russia drama, but there have been some other really great moments for me to remember,” said our Heavenly Father, fondly recalling the moment when Chance the Rapper thanked Him at the Grammys. “I just hope I get to see what Beyoncé decides to name the twins.
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UT alum gives back to community, answers statistics polls on facebook

AUSTIN—Clicking away through his feed, UT alum Derek Gilbreth has decided to give back to the community by answering statistics polls on Facebook. "Man, when I was at UT, I was king of the campus, baby. Filling out those polls, it's kind of like reliving that dream," said Gilbreth as he polished his class ring. "It's pretty cool what those kids come up with. I never thought owning a MacBook could affect how often I use the bathroom until now." At press time, Gilbreth was seen getting ready for his shift at Staples.
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Old friend getting a little too serious about catching up sometime

During a chance encounter with a past acquaintance from middle school, Stephanie Briggs was highly distressed to observe her former classmate grow more and more committed to Briggs’ offhanded suggestion to grab brunch sometime. “I was pretending I hadn’t seen her,” explained Briggs, who had reportedly been “minding her business” in the towel aisle of Target when she felt a tap on her shoulder. “Being forced to interact with her once was bad enough—there’s no way in hell I could make it through an entire meal.” At press time, Briggs was reportedly spotted applying for Canadian citizenship.
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Five-leaf clover could mean anything

ASHEVILLE, NC — Early last week, local hibachi chef Gates McClinchie found a five-leaf clover in his backyard that could literally mean anything. “I’m not sure if this means I’m going to be extra lucky now or what. Like, a four-leaf clover is a good thing. But five leaves?” reported McClinchie after hours of looking through the local library’s botany section. “I just don’t know what to do with this thing. It seems lucky, but what if five leaves is bad luck? What if it had just two leaves?
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Report: 87% of American Food Waste Caused by Crumbs From Nature Valley Bars

EVANSTON, IL—After years of painstaking study, researchers from Northwestern University announced Tuesday that a great majority of American food waste comes as a result of the little crumbs that inevitably fall from every Nature Valley bar. "We thought that the thousands of meals thrown away by restaurants and grocery stores would be the biggest contributor, but they pale in comparison to those pesky little morsels,” said food expert Dr. Rick Moran, who documented the mountains of crumbs overcrowding America’s landfills.
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Puppy mill no longer producing puppy flour

PLANO—Amidst growing outrage by community leaders, a puppy mill has closed its doors to further production of puppy flour. "Enough is enough," said mayor Truck Griddle in a press conference last month. "As much as the Plano economy depends on the sale of gluten-free puppy flour, we can no longer condone its manufacture in the Dallas-Fort Worth area." The controversial decision was met with protests and counter-protests by puppy bakers and enthusiasts alike.
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Man making group of friends laugh pretty sure he peaking right now

AUSTIN—After cracking a pretty amazing joke to his group of friends, Fredrick Cankerton told himself that there was no way he was not peaking right now. “Wow, all five people laughed?” thought Cankerton as his friend came up to him, extended his arms to feel Cankerton’s raw aura, and immediately creamed his jeans. “Honestly, I didn’t know I’d peak so soon. My life isn’t even that great right now. I mean, my water bill is super high. Is your water bill high? My water bill is so high.” As of press time, Cankerton’s next joke fell flat amongst a group of even more people.
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Area man hasn't seen hill he wouldn't roll down

BORGER, TX—According to family and friends, area geographer Mark Franwallis has never seen a hill that he wouldn’t voluntarily roll himself down. “I fell in love with him because of it,” explained Franwallis’s wife as she gently massaged her husband’s shoulders. “We were hiking on our third date. He pointed out a small hill to me and said, ‘That one over there looks perfect for a tumble.’ By the time I started to ask him what he meant, he was already halfway down.
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Exit Sign Nervous He Not Bright Enough, Red Enough, Good Enough

AUSTIN—Local exit sign Light Miller, located at the Paramount Theatre on Congress Avenue, has reportedly expressed insecurities regarding its performance. “This happens every time we hire new, young signs with brighter bulbs,” said the theatre’s owner Jacob VanMiner. “So I started a fire and herded everyone out of Light’s door, just to prove to him that he is still in working order. He seems to be feeling better.” Although tragic, multiple sources agreed the lives lost during the fire were a small price to pay in helping Miller get his groove back.
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God contemplating whether to create shark that can run around on land for a little bit at a time

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN—According to a few crudely scribbled images found in his bedroom, God has been thinking about making a shark grow a pair of legs so it can run around densely-populated areas and really freak 'em out. "He's such a creative deity. You should have seen how excited he was when he came up with dinosaurs," said Mother of God, God's mother. "I still have his first crayon drawings of the earth on my fridge." At press time, God was overheard telling his friends that maybe a flying shark would be even cooler.
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