AUSTIN – In the wake of Mack Brown’s departure from the Longhorn football program, the University has announced that former UT applicant and LSU graduate Abigail Fisher will be named the new head coach for the 2014-15 season.
GLENDALE, AZ—Sophia Jones, girlfriend of the New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, alerted the press earlier today that she was frightened by Belichick’s smile as he departed their hotel this morning for pre-Super Bowl preparations. “It was horrible,” said the tremulous Jones. “His face looked like a pug on angel dust. The way it just collapsed in on itself while radiating malice sent a shudder through my whole body.” Jones then glanced nervously around the room as the thought of Belichick smiling made her entire body shake.
Washington D.C. – Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III is expected to open the 2013 season despite being in a wheelchair. The former Heisman Trophy winner and 2012 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year suffered a torn ACL in his right knee in a playoff loss to the Seattle Seahawks in January. His injury has left him unable to stand, but completely able to sit. “Last time I checked, you didn't need legs to throw a football,” Griffin boasted while struggling to lift himself onto his bear skin sofa.
AUSTIN – The Texas Longhorn football team survived a nail biter last Saturday defeating the blocking sled in an overtime thriller. With their passing game in shambles, the Longhorns were forced to rely on the run, playing right into the hands of the inanimate object. Texas seemed to have no answer for the obstacle, repeatedly running into the large padded steel frame throughout the game. “It just wouldn’t budge,” stated Head Coach Mack Brown in the postgame press conference.
PALO ALTO, CA — Rising superstar Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks has finally given his hometown of Palo Alto, California exactly what it’s been seeking for quite some time: a second chance. With a decrease in median income to $118,000, citizens of the suburban city are starting to wonder if the economy will ever return to the burgeoning state it was once in. However, the recent success of Jeremy Lin has proven to the community that there is hope. “He’s a constant reminder that we really can reach our goals.
UNIVERSITY PARK, PENNSYLVANIA – On Wednesday morning, Joe Paterno was hit by a motorist Thursday while looking the other way.
CAMPUS – Today, top basketball prospect Jared Williamson accidentally attended his first Introduction to Psychology lecture on his way to the gym. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was on my way over to coach’s office to watch some film, and next thing I know, I’m taking notes about Freud,” said Williamson. The starting center has not made such a flagrant error since high school, when he mistakenly took an Algebra II test without cheating. After the ordeal, Jared was immediately checked out by team doctors.
ORLANDO – After a stellar four-week run, Dwight Howard has been named Employee of the Month at the CarMax on South Semoran Boulevard. The 6’11” center, previously employed by the Orlando Magic, was hired as a station attendant just three months ago and has consistently impressed management since his arrival. “What can I say? He’s a great worker,” CarMax general manager Elliott Madden told reporters.