I am not gay or a black woman. I am the stone and the fire and the tumult in the seas.

by Raven-Symoné, Thresher of the Waves

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear. I am more than what others may call me. Sure, I have a girlfriend, but that does not limit me to just being gay. You may look at the color of my skin and say that I am an African American, but you would be mistaken there as well. I am so much more than that. I am the stone beneath your feet. The fiery foundations of this earth. My strength is the swirling thresher of the waves.


Who cares if Obama’s a Muslim? He’s a fucking muggle.

by: Jason Hill, Dental hygienist

Upon being sworn into office, Barack Obama was questioned by many on the far right in America regarding the fact that he is a Muslim. This fact has been used against President Obama, who tries to portray himself as a Christian family man. Despite this controversy, one thing about President Obama is far more contentious than any particular religious leanings – the fact that he is a fucking muggle.


I had a scary dream

by: Marking Luther King Jr., scared 5 year-old

I had a scary dream. The dream was weird because the world didn’t look normal. Everything was in black and white.

The dream started off with me get- ting out of bed because I heard a noise in the kitchen. I think I knew I was dreaming because I felt like a grape. People in real life shouldn’t feel like grapes. They should feel like people.


MACK BROWN: Why I'm Leaving Football

By: Mack Brown

My announcement of retirement earlier this month came at a time of sharp scrutinization of my coaching capabilities. While it may look like angry fans and school administrators have pressured me into this retirement, the act is actually out of personal choice. I want to be true to myself by not ignoring my desires, for football was never my true calling. My true passion has always been and will always be for musical theatre.


Where are all the Babies?!

by: Jarell “Babe” Williams, West Campus bus driver

I just don’t understand. It seems like classes were still going on and all the little children were linin’ up to get on my bus. I know they got to go to the PCL, and the FAC, and the Chick-fil-A. So where are they?! Are finals over?! Where have all the babies gone?!


I only choke and gag because I care

by: Ruby Sparxxx, moral porn star

Having been an adult film star for 28 years now, I assume most of you have stumbled upon my work out in that hyperspace we call the Internet. Yes, I’m sure you have seen me being choked by bald men with demonic tattoos or gargling the frothy aftermath of a room full of aroused, sexually-devious men. But what many of you probably do not know is that I have been fighting the moral decay of our great nation for almost as long as I have been allowing complete strangers to fill me like the parking lot at Yankee Stadium during the playoffs.



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