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Area Man files libel lawsuit against the Texas Travesty

AUSTIN—In a momentous blow to both the beloved “Texas Travesty” and the lesser-loved Texas Student Media, area man Area Man has filed a historic lawsuit against the age-old publication after years of libelous claims. “Fuck these guys. I’ve been taking their lies and bullshit for over two decades now, and I’ve had it,” exclaimed Man in the midst of a normal, unremarkable existence.
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Sexual abusers get record low five Academy Award nominations

LOS ANGELES — Sexual abusers around Hollywood woke up to dismay Monday after learning that they had received a record low five Academy Award nominations, following the progress made by the #MeToo movement. “It’s been a tough year for us, but we’ll bounce back once someone decides to give Woody Allen a lifetime achievement award,” said Louis C.K. apologist with a really edgy screenplay in the works, Carl Wheezer.
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Steve Harvey hospitalized after all 100 Family Feud survey participants answer "Boner City, U.S.A."

HOLLYWOOD — Broderick Stephen Harvey, host of HDTV's The Family Feud, was taken into critical care Friday after realizing that 100 good American people gave the same answer, “Boner City, U.S.A.,” to a Family Feud survey. While recording a new episode of the hit game show, Harvey asked "if our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were to suck on any city, which city would he suck on?" Upon hearing Amy Balschvitz, the youngest child in the Balschvitz family, answer "Boner City, U.S.A.," the host collapsed on the stage floor and clutched his chest.
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Groundhog Day sequel actually just original Groundhog Day again

HOLLYWOOD — In an attempt to make what could be “the most faithful sequel of all time,” Columbia Pictures announced that they have officially greenlit a sequel to the 1993 film Groundhog Day. Starring the earlier movie’s Bill Murray, the recently unveiled Groundhog Day II is in fact just the original Groundhog Day from start to finish, with no new scenes or alterations whatsoever. While the announcement was met with confusion at first, critics and the public alike have come to marvel at the decision since the announcement.
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Local girl's anxiety only guest at birthday party this year

BOISE, ID—Smiling wide in the middle of a bustling Chuck E. Cheese, local 9-year-old Jessie Porcupine posed for pictures with her only birthday party guest this year: Anxiety. "Third grade is different—it's not just finger painting and nose picking like before. I'm expected to know multiplication and be a Girl Scout at the same time," stammered Porcupine while chewing on her thumbnail. "This is part of the transition to maturity, but I'm grateful I don't have to do this alone.

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