NEW YORK– Frequent movie patron and one-eyed colossal man-creature Zorock left the Metropolitan 16 movie theater Sunday night disgruntled after seeing the sub-par visual effects in ‘The Final Destination 3D.’ “Besides giving me a headache, I really didn’t see the point of making the screen blurry,” said Zorock as he dropped 15 bottles of Visine into his one huge eye.
NORTH CAMPUS –Vegan patrons of Wheatsville Co-op were shocked to look up at the roof last Thursday and see a large, lifestyle-insensitive non-vegan attempting to gain access to the store. The non-vegan, who refuses to use reusable shopping bags and decries organically grown produce, has been asked to leave under penalty of a lifetime ban.
AUSTIN—After realizing that the tank his mother bought for his new pet goldfish, Goldy, was too small for a fish to have any real fun in, six-year old Louis Wagner decided to put the fish in a super-exciting, swirly-splashy water ride he discovered in his parent’s bathroom. “Goldy doesn’t like it in that little tank,” said Wagner as he carried his favorite pet in a net towards the porcelain whirlpool.
Keeler is making no plans to travel to wherever that place was. Photo TravestyAUSTIN— In another brutal attack by insurgents, or whomever it was, 48 civilians were killed and 67 injured in a place thankfully very far away from local man Henry Keeler.
This toddler had too many drinks from his sippy cup. Photo Creative Commons
CAPE COD—According to visitors at Bourne Park, an incredibly inconsiderate, obnoxious baby stampeded through the park screaming at the top of his lungs without any provocation, making a complete and total fool of himself Monday.
This man is heading to the bookstore and wants to make sure his freedom is protected. Photo Creative CommonsAUSTIN—The Texas Congress passed a bill Tuesday that will allow registered citizens to carry concealed rocket launchers on their person in public places.