Oh, well I’ll be damned if it isn’t a disrespectful young hooligan sitting in front of my porch with spiky, green hair. I oughta teach you a thing or two about going with the grain once in a while, paying your respects to Uncle Sam and all that. I mean, really—What would this world be without societal norms?
Becoming the world’s biggest rock star may sound amazing, but the truth is that it was never what I wanted out of my life. People usually associate me with my music career, but all I’ve ever really wanted to do is start my own pet sweater company.
Yes, a company that designs and manufactures sweaters for domesticated animals.
How can I live with my multi-million dollar recording career knowing that I never truly followed my passion for designing high-quality cashmere sweaters for millions of cute pets across the nation?
I’m really sorry it happened again, baby. She just doesn’t appreciate you the way I do. I know that it’s hard being lonely, but remember; I’ll always be there for you. I may not be human, but my two flame-broiled patties and extra jalapeños taste way better than companionship. You should just quit worrying about her and take a bite out of me.
Your ineptitude has caused me to become quite upset, underling, and when I become upset there are dire consequences…eventually. But let it be known: You have failed me for the second to last time!
When Sector 7 shutdown as a result of you spilling your Krognon milk on the control panel, I came this close to shoving you into the Megatron Smasher. But I couldn’t eliminate you because you had the saddest, most disappointed look on your face.
But seriously, this is the second to last time that will happen.
Hey, guys,I’m a little cramped back here in the trunk of this Cadillac. It’s pretty dark and my neck is starting to get sore, but I’m just so glad you remembered my 31st birthday.
Do I really need this blindfold? I can’t even see who you two are. You don’t sound very familiar; I don’t know anyone who speaks Portuguese.
Whoever you are, you better be driving me to an amazing birthday party.
Well, Jon Neal is finally throwing in the towel. The time has come for him to move on to that scary adult world where everyone has to get jobs and stuff, but the time he spent working on our funny little paper will never be forgotten. Throughout the years, Jon has shared his sharp wit, infectious laughter, and never-ending desire to keep yelling out puns and non-sequiturs despite how many sharp things we threw at him, and we thank him for that.
Good morning, everyone. I was walking downtown yesterday when I saw an old woman sitting on the sidewalk, begging for money. We are living in difficult times; the economy is hurting and the end is no where in sight. Our church, especially, is going through a rough period. All of this reminds me of the book of Isaiah, verse 40:31: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well…as long as you put a relatively large sum of money in that basket being passed around.”
Powerful words, especially in this time of great need where that wicker basket that you, in the third row, have in your hand right now is particularly empty and in need of the money in your wallet.
That’s a really nice blue dress you’re wearing…it really complements your eyes. The way you move your hips and arms is really incredible. Don’t be afraid to let it all out: leave your inhibitions by the wayside. You don’t have to worry about a thing. No one is watching.
You know, I never thought of it like that before. Normally, most things make sense to me, but every now and then I find something that I have trouble wrapping my mind around. That’s why I come to you for help. I was struggling with this concept for my philosophy class, but then you explained how it parallels a 7th-century trebuchet.
That's when my mind became empty.
It was at that exact moment when I realized that I have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about. I totally don’t get it now.
Hey ladies! I’m so glad we finally got a chance to have a night out on the town without our boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong…Brad’s a great guy and I totally love him and everything, but I just need a little time for my girls and a few rounds of Cosmos. Lately, I’ve been in such a bad mood around Brad. I thought I was just PMS-ing really badly, so I asked my doctor about it. She prescribed this great new birth control pill called Uteraz.
Hi, what’s up? I would shake your hand but you’re kind of in an awkward posi…one second…there we go. Ok, it’s very nice to meet you! I’m Jonathan and I’m a first year Mechanical Engineering major here at UT. I’m involved in the Society of Professional Engineers and enjoy playing intramural sand volleyball. I’m not sure if this is an awkward time to ask, but I was genuinely curious if we happened to be having sex right now.
Hold on, I need to take off my watch.
