Virgin Virgil: The First Time

Hi. I’m Virgil, writing in here to talk about the sexing. See, we’re in college now, and since all of our mommies are away, they can’t keep us from doing sex. However, I bet you’re scared of sex. Me too. They call it “making love”, but if it’s anything like some of the things I’ve Googled on bad sites, then sex will probably involve a lot of handcuffs and whips, which could really hurt.

Despite all this, I’m excited. If I think about it a lot though, my pee-pee gets stiff and grows like one of those neat capsules you throw in the tub when you take a bubble bath, and it turns into a Stegosaurus spongie.

I just hope it’s with the right girl though. I just want her to be nice to me during the sex. She can’t be mean. I mean, I’d give her flowers because if a girl is going to let me pee in her, then she deserves to be treated like a princess. But I can’t pee too long because that’s when a baby grows, and I just don’t have the income to support a baby.

But hey, it may seem like I’m scaring you off from having some sex. That’s not what this is about. College is a time for change and growth. It’s just about time we stop sleeping with our Mr. Duckies and replace him with a pretty girl. Or, we can both share Mr. Duckie, because he gets really scared if he’s by himself in the closet with the monsters.

So, here’s what you need to do on your first sex night: drink a lot of apple juice. A LOT. Because you don’t want to be caught unprepared whenever it’s time for you to do your thing with your thing. Then, you need to put on really romantic music, like Blurred Lines. Girls in my physics class really seem to like Blurred Lines, so I bet it’d be great. Next, my uncle says you need to luge up? Like, go to a place where you can luge. I don’t know where you’d be able to find someplace like that outside of the winter season, but it’s probably optional. Finally, pee away, but be sure to be near the bathroom because, remember, you can’t pee too much. That’s probably why Sexy Sally from the Daily Texan did it in that public bathroom. She’s so smart!!

Anywhosies, I hope you have fun with your sex and be sure to take lots of pictures!

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