Butt-Stuff Benny: The quickest way to a girl's heart is through the butt

The butt. The booty. The ba-donk-a-donk. The rumpus. The gluteus maximus. The home of the twerk and the only reason I still go to work. Call it whatever you want, but everyone's got one and everyone should know how to work one. I know my around a tush, and hence, a girl's heart.

Many love torn women claim that there's a hole in their heart waiting to be filled by the right man, and then, and only then, will they find true happiness. What these women are failing to see is that there is a far more tangible hole that can be filled by a man, or woman, or both. The path to love is dark and covered in lubrication. Love might not feel right all the time, and even slightly invasive, but in the end, love is a battlefield that is your anus.

I've heard a lot of women say that they refuse to do butt-stuff with their partners on the grounds of 'decency'. To them I say quit being stuck up. What makes your posterior so untouchable compared to the billions of others that are out there? What sets your rumpus apart from the dozens of others I've had before? Take the stick out of your ass, and let the love in instead. If you don't feel comfortable allowing your partner to peruse the depths of your derriere, you don't love him or her at all.

Have you ever explored your buttocks yourself? Immerse yourself. Get into it! It's a wonderful place filled with infinite possibilities, creative wonderment and slight discomfort. It will always be there for you, from birth 'til death, unlike some boyfriends or girlfriends I could mention. Make friends with it, tame it, train it, become one with it. Today, only you can make your life a little more anally satisfying.

I'm currently single and searching for bigger, better booty. But I'll always have my own butt, and this is what allows me to sleep at night (specifically with a plug). And remember; always, always, always keep your cucumbers and KY stocked up because I just realized I'm fresh out. Off to HEB!

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