Who cares if Obama’s a Muslim? He’s a fucking muggle.

by: Jason Hill, Dental hygienist

Upon being sworn into office, Barack Obama was questioned by many on the far right in America regarding the fact that he is a Muslim. This fact has been used against President Obama, who tries to portray himself as a Christian family man. Despite this controversy, one thing about President Obama is far more contentious than any particular religious leanings – the fact that he is a fucking muggle.

If Barack Obama wants to be a covert Muslim and do secret prayers to Allah in the White House basement, then so be it. However, this nation will not stand for a muggle in the Oval Office. How can we appear strong to our foreign enemies when our leader doesn’t even know about Defense Against the Dark Arts? It’s absurd that our Muslim president must rely on muggle foreign policy like “diplomacy” and “embargoes” when a real leader would demand respect with a cleverly cast Reducto charm.

Just think about it – would you rather have your president do his evening prayers facing Mecca in a boring police motorcade or while zipping around a Quidditch pitch on a Nimbus 2000? What about a president who knows the whereabouts of all of his constituents either by tracking cell phone GPS signals or by checking his Marauder’s Map? Furthermore, I question the legitimacy of Obama’s winning a second term if I knew for a fact that he can’t properly harness the terrible power of the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I might be able to give him a pass for being a Muslim mudblood... but a full-on fucking muggle? It’s just not right. He doesn’t have a smidgen of wizard blood in his whole Muslim body. How am I supposed to explain this to our kids? I can’t just explain to my son who is infatuated by the wonderful world of witchcraft and wizardry that our Muslim president can’t levitate on command.

If our Muslim president thinks the American people are going to accept his muggle heritage, he is wrong. It’s obscene how he uses his public office to flaunt his lack of a proper wizarding education. Harvard law school just does not compare to the rigorous curriculum that Hogwarts provides. A background in international relations and financial law is trivial to an in-depth understanding of potions and divination.

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