by: Bradley Cooper
If you have ever been subjected to weird looks after purchasing every last bottle of baby powder a store has in stock, don’t worry – you are not alone. I'm Bradley Cooper, American film and television actor. You may have seen me in American Hustle or The Hangover. You might also know me for being People magazine's 2011 Sexiest Man Alive. But what most people don't know is how I got to be the 2011 Sexiest Man Alive. My secret? Baby powder. Not just for its cosmetic application, but for having fun and exploring yourself with it...because you don't need to have a baby to have a good time with baby powder.
For starters, it makes my body so soft and fresh. Not cushiony like a baby's bottom, but in a way that makes my abs feel like a Snuggie on top of a granite countertop. Imagine a baby with a very toned buttocks. That's what you'll think of when you touch me. I also use baby powder as deodorant because women want a man's scent to conjure images of the babies that they could be having with me in the future. Whenever a date says that I smell like a baby, I know I'm in, baby.
Just thinking about the endless uses of baby powder is utterly titillating. Need to make a spooky entrance/exit when you're surrounded by paparazzi? Throw a handful of baby powder down on the ground! Want to be a powdered donut for Halle Berry's Halloween party? Douse yourself in water, and then baby powder! Need to pretend you're doing cocaine so Woody Harrelson thinks you're still cool? Baby powder! (Unfortunately you have to snort it – Woody can tell when you're faking it.)
All I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't be where I am today without the stuff. I wholeheartedly endorse the use of baby powder for any and all situations. It's never too late to get started. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can always throw some baby powder on it. Babies don't realize how lucky they are to have this gold rubbed on their bottoms regularly, and don't even get me started on baby food.