Texas Travesty: So, we heard that you were recently laid off. Sorry to hear that.
Robin Goodfellow: Oh, it’s okay. I’m sure everything will work out fine, assuming I have enough money to feed my kids and to put clothes on their backs. Little Robbie found an old jacket near the chemical plant the other day, so that’s going to save me a
little money.
TT: How could they do this to you? You’ve taught at this university for nearly 20 years!
RG: I don’t blame the administration; they’ve gotta do what they’ve gotta do. My father used to tell me that when an old professor is let go, a new seating section is added onto the football stadium. It’s just the circle of life, really.
TT: Is there anything we can do to help?
RG: Oh, don’t worry about an old fossil like me. My years of independent research on the history of urban migration have taught me to use the resources of the city to my benefit. For example, Einstein’s always throws out old bagels around noon, and leaves plenty of warm, sturdy cardboard boxes near the dumpster. Just think, a hot meal AND a roof over my head! Everything’s coming up Goodfellow!

Turn-ons: severance pay, free bagels, the way things were, silver linings, smiles on the faces of former students, motivating and inspiring young people, taking care of my family, human decency, friendship, clean living, making the world a better place, tenure

Turn-offs: layoffs, rude people, wet cardboard roofs, closed minds, cold nights, street hooligans, things that change, taking things in a new direction, adulterous wives, universities that aren’t hiring, family members who don’t return calls, injustice, disrespecting the elderly, getting rejected for tenure