When I was ten years old, I heard the word “sex” for the first time. After I found out what sex is, I said this: “Ew, yucky!” Seriously, who would want to do sex? Boys are gross, right?

Wrong. When I was twenty, I found out that when you do sex, it’s totally awesome (thanks, Tom). It turns out that everyone loves sex! I was so shocked when I found out!
Even though I knew that I loved sex, I needed to figure out what changed my mind from “Ew, yucky!” to “Yes, please, and thank you!”

Scientist Edward McMullen gave this explanation: “Sex makes you feel good because of endorphins [on your downstairs parts] released during the act [of making the sex].”
I think that this scientist is onto something. After finding out the reason why people love sex, I decided it was time to figure out where sex was happening. It couldn’t be too many places, right?

Wrong again! It turns out that people can have sex anywhere! I was so shocked! People do sex in the bedroom, in car seats, in the swimming pool, and sometimes even in public places, like dark alleys and university fountains!

Don’t be fooled, though. While people CAN do sex in public, it is illegal, as my friend Lucy pointed out: “My boyfriend and I were doing it [sex] inside of Zilker Park, and we got caught by a policeman who tried to do some bondage [mean sex] stuff with his handcuffs, and after we said no, he arrested us.”

I think the lesson learned here is to always submit to bondage [mean sex].

After I discovered this, I felt scared about performing sex in public; does this mean that sex is always illegal? And if not, what makes illegal sex so different from legal sex? Sometimes I say bad words during sex; is that illegal? Is it illegal to keep stuffed animals with you on the bed, like a blue dinosaur? These are questions that I am determined to answer.

I recently found out some other things about sex. I found out that you don’t even need two people to do sex, because you can make sex ALL BY YOURSELF! Some say that this makes you a bad person, but to them I want to say one thing: how can something that feels good be bad for you?

I talked to my parents about doing sex last week, and they wouldn’t say anything about it. Are they too embarrassed to talk about sex with their own daughter? I talk about doing sex with every single person I meet, so why do my parents try to avoid the subject? All I did was ask them about how making sex in the jacuzzi works, and if it you can get pregnant by drinking the water. Parents must be so bad at making sex.

So remember, guys: when you’re getting ready to do some sex this week, make sure you are being safe, and that you don’t cry too much. It can be really scary at first, but with a little practice you can be a professional sex person all the time!

Happy sexing!