Woah, man! Woah! What’s the deal with you? You think you can just make eyes at my girl like that and I’m not going to say anything? I’m about two seconds away from threatening, but not following up on, kicking your ass!

Oh, you think I’m just talking a big game? Well you’re right, bro; I talk the biggest game. Don’t believe me, man? You don’t believe me? Check this
shit out.

Yeah, that’s right, this is a knife. I’ll level with you, though. I’m kind of nervous because I’ve never handled a knife before, but I’m just going to keep making various stabbing motions so as to hide this fact. This isn’t even a switchblade or anything like that; I just brought it from my kitchen before I came downtown in anticipation of a confrontation where I would have to dole out some deeply frightening, yet entirely empty threats.

If I had higher self-esteem I’d just let this go, but tonight ain’t your night, buddy! I’ve been really self-conscious about the status of my romantic relationship as well as my sexuality, so I’m just going to keep taking it out on you by making a scene in this piano bar!

How do you like that….you…you…you little bitch! Yeah, you’re a bitch! Take that!

I’ve been standing here all night just waiting for some asshole like you to make a somewhat threatening action towards me, so that I could blow it way out of proportion in an attempt to assert my fledgling masculinity. Now that I’ve started yelling at you, I can’t stop or else I’ll reveal how scared I am inside.

On the outside I’m angry, but on the inside I’m sobbing.

OK, now you’re walking aggressively towards me. You better hold up, man, because I’m not nearly done with you. You look a lot bigger than me, so I’m going to try to delay your forward progress. Your clothing choice is very questionable in my opinion. I think your preference of a red shirt is possibly indicative of your homosexuality.

Boom! Take that!

Now I’m going to tell you that I’ve kicked a whole lot of ass in my day, and then I’ll tell you that you’re next if you don’t stop clinching your fists. In truth, I’ve only thrown one punch once in my life, and it was against a locker after I flunked a test in high school. The locker broke my hand. It was a really painful experience.

It seems I’ve reached the point of no return. I really wish someone would hold me back right now, so I could attempt to struggle with them and say out loud that you’re not worth it. That isn’t happening, though. In fact, a lot of people seem to be looking forward to a physical altercation between the two
of us.