AFGHANISTAN – In a recent firefight in the hills of Afghanistan, avid video game player and newly-enlisted Private Brad Glasser discovered hitting the “B” button repeatedly would not reload his AR-15 assault rifle. Private First Class Rodney Chalmers witnessed the failed attempt at reloading, during which Glasser also began hopping up and down, a maneuver which he hoped would help him to avoid enemy gunfire. “We're all getting sick of him,” Chalmers told reporters. “He won’t shut up about capturing some stupid flag.” Chalmers also reported that midway through an important strategic maneuver in the mountains of Afghanistan, Glasser tried to weld a chainsaw to the front of his rifle. As of press time, Private Glasser was frantically alternating between punching the air, crouching, and sprinting into a wall in an attempt to get what he described as, “a badass cheat code that gives you unlimited ammo and body armor.”