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Health-conscious cult drinks bowl of arsenic-laced Crystal-Lite

EL PASO—In one of the most shocking mass suicides in recent history, a health-conscious cult lead by dietician Peter Mariel drank a bowl of arsenic-laced Crystal-Lite in a final, healthy act of loyalty to their leader. “We can only guess at what kind of sick, health-friendly rituals this cult took part in,” said Chief Investigator Sgt. Matthew Magman. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see some sacrificed chickens with only the lean breast meat removed lying around here.” Investigators reported that they also found evidence of an earlier attempt at mass suicide, which they say was thwarted due to the use of the less-effective sugar-free arsenic.