FAA adds “people” and “luggage” to banned items list
WASHINGTON—In a bold move to further tighten airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would add “people” and “luggage” to its list of banned items. While the FAA had previously only banned items such as liquids and sharp objects, the administration took drastic measures to ban all luggage along with the people who might be carrying it.“You look at every terrorism [attempt] since 9/11, and they’ve all involved two things: luggage and people,” said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt. “Sure, there will be a lot of empty planes up in the sky, but empty planes don't fly themselves into buildings.” The FAA has also announced that they are in talks to ban pilots as well, as they could easily fall under the category of “people.”
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- At least your Prius will be fuel efficient and environmentally friendly while it’s rapidly accelerating through the streets killing people.
- We’ll take this opportunity to jinx our basketball team. We’re calling it: UT Basketball National Championship 2010!
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- Congratulations to Jordan Shipley for finally earning enough credits to graduate!
- Doppelganger week was a remarkable study in the vast divide between how beautiful you think you are versus how average you actually look in real life. Yes, I’m specifically referring
to you. - Thanks, UT Safety alert, but I don’t need an auxiliary reason to run screaming from the RLM.
- When there’s beer in the basement, frat guys stand adjacent.
- Realizing that he only has a few short months left in office, SG President Liam O’Rourke will use his authority to create an even larger cardboard cutout of himself in the Co-Op.
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- Students anxious to see J.D. Salinger’s last essays in the Harry Ransom Center will be disappointed to find that they’re just Animorphs fan fictions.
- HEY GUYS SERIOUSLY COME USE THE LIBERAL ARTS WRITING CENTER IT’S SUPER HELPFUL I’M SERIOUS!!!!!
- Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart.
- Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah.
- If you thought you could just sleep through every lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you were right. High-five.
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- Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat Doritos at home.
- It wasn’t very becoming of Kansas State to chant “We Own Texas!” after they beat us. At least we had the class to refrain from chanting “We Own Indoor Plumbing!” in response.
- Everyone on campus let out a commemorative “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by once again.








