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Horns Down: This shitty day
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| The editorial board is strongly opposed to how shitty today is. I mean, my alarm didn’t go off until 15 minutes after my 9:00 AM class started, and then I had a quiz, so it was just like, fuck. And then I went to Chic-fil-a to get lunch and they didn’t have any Goddamned waffle fries. And now I’m stuck in this piece-of-shit office writing this shitty Horns Down. Thank God for whiskey. |
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Horns Ambivalent: Apparently we can get into the Blanton for free?
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| So, students at UT can go to the Blanton whenever they want. That’s pretty cool, I guess? I mean if students want to go they should go because that thing must have cost a lot of money, but I don’t really like...art. I don’t know, I guess I’ll go next month or something if I have time. Or maybe I’ll sit at home and watch TV. Either way. |
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Quadruple Horns Up: We’re going to the championship! Pasadena! Fuck yes!
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| Texas fight! OU sucks! We’re going to California and we’re going to get wasted and we’re going to win! And then we’re going to get even more wasted and start storming the streets and destroying stuff! Fuck yeah! |
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Horns Up: The Health Services offers students access to unlimited free condoms
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| University Health Services provides students with free access to contraception upon request. This ensures that the University continues to be one of the most sexually safe in the country. After all, it’s much more convenient to fear a midterm than a second trimester. |
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Horns down: Opposite of unlimited people will sleep with me
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| Seriously, why am I concerned about how many condoms I have access to? I spent all Friday night huddled in my dorm room playing Halo 3 while drinking Vault. |
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Horns Down: Cap Metro raising fares
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| The Capital Metro board voted in favor of raising fares 25 cents in January, making the new fare $1, and the new cost for a monthly pass $28. The move will generate revenue for the organization that has been grossly mismanaged in recent history. It’s unfortunate that the general public is being forced to suffer because of Cap Metro’s poor business practices. |
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Horns Up: Increased fares will result in a 50% decrease in public masturbation on Cap Metro buses
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| Economists predict that the raised fares on Capital Metro buses will result in a 50% decrease in scraggly older men that sit at the back of the bus and masturbate while looking at other passengers. The case analysis revealed that half these men will no longer be able to afford purchasing a single ride pass as well as a bottle of Kentucky Deluxe, resulting in safer and less sticky rides for the general public. |
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Horns Aroused: That hot girl in the front of the class
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| The editorial board has come to the consensus that the girl sitting in the front row is banging hot. Every guy in the class is currently hatching plots about how to ask her over to his house this Friday and proceed to start watching a movie, stop watching the movie, and then make a strong move to initiate raw, uninhibited fornication. |
