ANAHEIM— The guy who spends a large amount of time hanging out at Kohl’s has been determined to be Luis Gonzalez, a 19-year-old employee who has worked at the department store for three years. Gonzalez has been seen walking around aimlessly inside the Kohl’s at Ventura Boulevard for months, and customers have largely assumed him to be just another person shopping inside the store.

“Wait, that guy right there works for me? I thought Gonzalez died a few years back from leukemia or something,” explained shift manager David Chan. “This store is so big; how I am supposed to know that some guy playing solitaire in the men’s department should be folding shirts right now?”

Gonzalez has been seen browsing merchandise, examining the store directory, and walking down the up escalator, leading customers to believe that he was just another patron of the store.

“He seemed like a nice, average guy. We talked for hours about politics and sports, and then he showed me that the back room was unlocked and we could go in there anytime and trash it,” said Anna Brady, a recent customer of Kohl’s who has been confirmed to not be a current employee. “We made out in a fitting room for a while. “

“Gross,” added Brady. “I can’t believe I made out with a Kohl’s employee.”

Customers began to take notice last Tuesday after seeing a guy in a Kohl’s uniform sampling cologne and readjusting mannequins in suggestive poses.

Regional manager Richard Lennon was shocked and dismayed at Gonzalez’s attitude: “Are we to assume that department store employees are unmotivated, unhelpful, distracted, inert, uninterested, listless, apathetic, menial, indifferent, unconcerned, and blasé?”

Lennon added: “I hope not.”

After reviewing security tapes, shift manager David Chan spotted more than a dozen violations of store policy, including footage of Gonzalez wrestling with his friends in the baby department and racing shopping carts down crowded isles.

“Ah, this must be the guy that put up the ‘closed’ sign right after we opened last Friday,” explained Chan after he attempted to locate Gonzalez on the store’s intercom system.

“It’s all starting to make sense now. I thought that he was just some guy who really liked shopping at Kohl’s and trying on every brand of shoe we carry. At least customers put the shoes back into the boxes when they’re done with them.”

Although Gonzalez was unavailable to be located for comment, friend and classmate Andrew Mankin shed some light on Gonzalez’s whereabouts.
“I think I saw him over by the clearance section playing a Game Boy and drinking a Slurpee. We hang out there all the time.”

As of press time, Gonzalez could be seen having a conversation with the mannequins in the men’s swimwear department.