Well, Jon Neal is finally throwing in the towel. The time has come for him to move on to that scary adult world where everyone has to get jobs and stuff, but the time he spent working on our funny little paper will never be forgotten. Throughout the years, Jon has shared his sharp wit, infectious laughter, and never-ending desire to keep yelling out puns and non-sequiturs despite how many sharp things we threw at him, and we thank him for that.

Since Jon is long gone now, we are just going to make up things that he might say in a goodbye column, as well as attribute any ethnic slurs, vulgarity, or libelous remarks as his doing. Enjoy, bitches!

His column might go something like this:

“To the editors of the Travesty - I would have been a much better editor. You know it, I know it, and even my mom knows it. She said so.

To the design staff - Remember when I came up with every single Fake Ad idea, and you guys fucked every one of them up?

To the writers - You guys always thought my ideas were too strange, but just wait and see in five years when my talk/variety/vaudeville show blows up big on Public Access Television.

To the publicity staff - What the hell is publicity staff?

To all of the administrative assistants – I would like all of you to come over to my house and clean up the mess I’m about to make. If I have one regret from my time at the Travesty, it’s that I didn’t exploit the AAs enough. So get ready to be exploited.

To Mom and Dad - Your unconditional love became a great inspiration for my jokes about stupid parents.

To President Powers - What up?

To Chester the Cheetah - What up?

To 40 Acres 411 - I will miss you. You and I certainly had some fucking fucktastic times.

To the Subway Sandwich Corporation – I went to the Subway at 24th and San Antonio the other day and got the Cold Cut Combo. Normally, it should have turkey, bologna, ham, and salami on it, but I swear to God that there was chicken on it. Yeah, chicken. How will you uphold the integrity of your institution if you keep placing things on sandwiches that you didn’t order? If I wanted the Teriyaki Chicken, I would have ordered it. But you probably would have put too much Teriyaki sauce on it like you always do.”

And that about does it. Thanks for the good times, Jonny boy.