“The first stop on my college tour was to the mythical land of the Floridians, where I visited my old apprentice Bobby Bowden and discussed receiver depth as well as how to avoid those pesky NCAA academic inspectors.”

“When I asked wide receiver Dez Bryant about his recent NCAA suspension, he replied, ‘What’s a Deion Sanders?’ I knew he was lying; I used my powerful mind-reading abilities to find out what he was actually thinking: he’d had chicken fried steak at Mr. Sanders’ house the other night and still thinks that Stillwater is a terrible place to live.”

“After meeting with Lane Kiffin, the head coach of the Volunteer football team, I discovered he had absolutely no idea how to properly coach a team. I mean, how many teams hold practice on a tennis court? His wife, however, was well-versed in the ‘magical arts’—she had two very large mystical powers in her blouse, if you catch my drift...”

“Despite using all the mystical powers within me, I was still unable to get the Bears to a bowl game. That would take more power than all of the wizards combined.”

"Leprechauns. Let me tell you why I hate leprechauns. Ever since the great Leprechaun-Wizard War of the Golden Age, leprechauns and wizards have battled endlessly over the coveted Pot of Gold that resides at the end of the rainbow. As it is well known, the Wizards had always possessed the Pot, but those pesky paddies stole what truly belonged to us centuries ago. Henceforth, all leprechauns became the mortal enemies of Wizards. So I came to Notre Dame to tell everyone that they’re jerks."

“I simply asked the Oregon Duck offense about their lack of a rushing attack, and this brute came out and punched me in the face. I decided to give him a four-month suspension from the Magic Kingdom of Aranthon.”