Hey ladies! I’m so glad we finally got a chance to have a night out on the town without our boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong…Brad’s a great guy and I totally love him and everything, but I just need a little time for my girls and a few rounds of Cosmos. Lately, I’ve been in such a bad mood around Brad. I thought I was just PMS-ing really badly, so I asked my doctor about it. She prescribed this great new birth control pill called Uteraz.

Uteraz is a new kind of birth control pill that may increase potassium levels, so don’t take Uteraz if you have kidney, liver, or adrenal disease, as this may—I said, DON’T TAKE UTERAZ IF YOU HAVE KIDNEY, LIVER OR ADRENAL DISEASE AS THIS MAY CAUSE SERIOUS HEART AND HEALTH PROBLEMS. ALSO, SWELLING OR TENDERNESS OF THE BREASTS MAY OCCUR.

I said SWOLLEN BREASTS! IT’S TOO LOUD BY THE DANCE FLOOR! LETS GO UPSTAIRS.

That’s better. As I was saying, before taking Uteraz you should always tell your doctor if you’re on long-term treatment for a chronic condition such as cardiovascular disease or—hold on—HEY TIFFANY! TIFFANY! TEQUILA SHOTS ALL AROUND! GET FIVE OF THEM! PUT IT ON MY TAB!—or chronic inflammatory disease.

Here’s to a night out with the girls! Cheers! Woo! Jose Cuervo sure goes down smoothly, doesn’t it?

Other side effects of Uteraz include mood changes, weight gain, and cramping. Also, if you experience blurred vision or soreness in your lower limbs, talk with your doctor, as those can be signs of a more serious condition.

No Tiffany...you retard! Your vision is blurry because you’re fucked up! I need another shot.

Wait…I forgot what I was talking about. Oh yeah…Uteraz. Some studies reported like, stroke and suppression of the immune system, or something like that. So…you should always…hold on, Brad is calling.

Hello? What do you want, Brad? I’m out with the girls! I can’t hear you! I’m busy talking about birth control and stuff. Oh, stop being an asshole. You’re always being a fucking asshole and I fucking hate you. No! Fuck you! Bye.

It’s important to remember that hormonal contraceptives like Uteraz don’t protect against HIV or STDs such as Chlamydia. Did you hear that, Tiffany? Just because you start taking Uteraz doesn’t mean you can keep slutting around.

Yeah, well fuck you Tiffany! Stupid bitch! I know you’ve been calling Brad behind my back! Yeah, you better walk away from me! Bitch.

So anyways, you should know that in some studies, Uteraz was found to cause vaginal discomfort and discharge. You know, like the kind of stuff that comes out of Tiffany’s nasty bitch-ass vag.

Ugh, I feel like shit. I think it’s my goddamn birth control.