AUSTIN—Despite budgetary cutbacks and a recent string of layoffs, faculty at the McCombs School of Business have vowed to continue taking steps in educating students on the most effective ways to drive the US economy into oblivion.

The McCombs School has established itself as one of the top schools in the country at which to learn how to enter highly lucrative business ventures that could potentially lead to the destruction of financial systems as we know it. The Dean and his staff have made assurances that they will continue to uphold that standard.

“Our goal is to ensure that every graduate leaves the McCombs School of Business fully prepared to handle all challenges presented in the business world, and that they understand how to properly take unnecessary risks with volatile financial securities,” said Dean Thomas Gilligan. “We employ the best professors in the country who are fully adept at educating students on the fundamental ways they can exploit the stock market for personal gain and, in the process, achieve total macroeconomic destruction.”

“I personally guarantee that a McCombs student will be an integral part of the next major US economic failure,” added Gilligan.
In recent years, much of the business school’s curriculum has been restructured to comply with new governmental regulations that inhibit the ability of investors to tear open regulatory loopholes that allow short-term, unsustainable gains, while simultaneously destroying any chance of long-term, stable economic growth. However, many professors find the government’s stricter financial policies to be unfair.

“It’s been a challenge teaching students how to maneuver through the ever-tightening legislative actions in the world of investing,” said Finance professor Eliza Hershwell. “Ever since they put the Sarbanes-Oxley Act in place to prevent more so-called ‘Enron incidents,’ it’s been nearly impossible to teach students how to finagle the system to make millions of dollars at the expense of America’s financial security.”

“‘Nearly’ impossible,” added Hershwell with a chuckle. “I’ve still got a few tricks up my pant-suit.”

Marketing professor Jennifer Andrews explained how her course work has adapted to reflect a more modern economy: “An integral part of our new curriculum is an emphasis on group work. Many employers have reported that the best dangerous investment decisions come from well-educated men and women working together to find ways to cripple the American financial system. And not just for the here-and-now, but for the long term as well.”