WASHINGTON—American educators and parents have been in a state of celebration due to the release of a report by the International Student Development Center that ranks the United States as number one in recess aptitude tests for children aged 5 to 11.

“The US surpassed the average score in every area, dominating former powerhouses such as Germany and Kenya in remarkable fashion,” explained ISDC chair Norm Frinkley. “American pupils should be proud of their accomplishments and can be certain that they will be able to put their recess skills to good use someday.”

The study took a sample of young boys and girls across the globe and measured their aptitude in overall sliding speed, monkey-bar hanging proficiency, dodgeball throwing and a wide variety of other recess activities. Researchers made sure to account for outliers, such as boys who went through puberty early and girls who sit by the fence and play with Barbies for the entirety of recess.

US teachers have attributed their success to a willingness to regularly extend recess past its normal 30-minute allotment, which they feel is especially helpful when kickball games go into overtime.

Brooking Elementary School gym coach Gene Wisakowsky did his part in increasing students’ recess abilities by placing a greater emphasis on playtime in gym class.

“We were going to do some running exercises, but then I figured that they were just kids and they should just play some games by themselves,” said Wisakowsky. “I think my ‘hands off’ approach has really taught these kids a valuable lesson, even if I have absolutely no idea what that lesson is.”

Serbia, which ranked near the bottom of the list, has already taken steps to improve its standing in recess aptitude rankings. Among the many reasons cited for the incredibly low-rankings were the inability of students to stop working hard and excessive focus on academics, which must be rectified in order for Serbia to catch up with the United States.

“The Serbian government greatly regrets devoting so much time and resources to subjects such as arithmetic, science and social studies,” said Stefan Simović, president of the Serbian Board of Education. “From now on, studies in geography will be replaced with sandbox time.”

“And as a supplement to sandbox time: mandatory duck-duck-goose every morning,” added Simović.

Other countries have also struggled to match the success of the United States’ recess aptitude in recent years. French Minister of Education Jacques Devereux shared his resentment of the US at a recent conference, where he blamed inconsistencies in the scoring of games of hopscotch for France’s drop to 18th place in this year’s study.

“Despite obvious errors in scoring, it appears as though our children are simply not as adept as the Americans in the subject of recess,” said Devereux, who has already made significant policy changes in the area of wall-ball. “But mark my words: we will force our children to have more fun on the playground—only then will they learn to love the red bouncy ball and the jungle gym.”